Feelings just won't subside

[Good samaritan]

I can’t shake the feeling that it’s left unfinished between me and my ex. I don’t know if it is because we spoke daily wether we argued or not that is leaving an unfinished void. It’s getting really hard to breath and relax in my home anymore. Between the damage he caused and a lot of his possessions still been there nothing feels real or finalised and with the harassment warning in place I have no idea what to do or who to turn to anymore

[Wits End]

Hi Good Samaritan
I think I have seen some of your posts on another forum here but just trying to remember. Was it you who still feels as though they are in still in love with their abuser? I have the same problem. I can’t tare myself away despite all the torment and horror. Are you on a joint tenancy, or is the tenancy in his name? Are you actually living apart now?

WitsEnd xx

[Good samaritan]

I fell out of love with him some time ago. I was the one that ended the relationship because of him having affairs among other things. The tenancy is mine it has been since (detail removed by Moderator) yrs prior to me meeting him. I’m just struggling to get back to the place I was in before I met him. My home doesn’t feel the same since he has swept through it like a tornado and it’s left me feeling insecure in a lot of ways. I do miss the friendship side of things especially now legally I cannot just reach out to him if I ever needed someone. It’s just a real struggle trying to adapt back into single life again while confined to the house surrounded by horrible memories

[KIP.]

We don’t ever get closure from these men. I once read that ending with an abuser is like he walked out and died and will never come back. Get rid of his things. Remove any memories of him from your home. He’s leaving them there as an excuse for contact. Once you take back control you will feel better.

[Good samaritan]

I wish I was in a position to just get rid and sort the house out. I only have 1 interior door in tact and that’s upstairs. The others are missing completely. The room is only half decorated and has been like that since he started it a couple of yrs ago. His posessions were purchased with his inheritance money from his mum when she game back on the scene after him telling me she’d been killed before we met. So I daren’t just dispose of them or sell them in case it has legal ramifications. I’m still desperately trying to get through to rights for women and my local CAB is only open 2 half days a week towards the latter end. I still haven’t heared back from the police or adult DA team and have no more appointments scheduled with womens aid who have done a referral for counselling for me. I’m at a complete loss of what to do. Especially having no money. It’s still a living nightmare

[starryeyed]

Hi GoodSamaritan, I must admit that I don’t have much good advice in terms of what you can do about getting rid of his possessions/legal ramifications but I want to say that I think you are doing the right thing with trying to get in touch with Rights for Women. Maybe you could get in touch with Women’s Aid again? Good news about being referred for counselling.

Maybe it sounds daft but could you move some of your furniture around? Maybe it would change the feel of the room or something. It’s horrible to feel uncomfortable in your home and be surrounded by memories. It is a shame you can’t leave his things somewhere for him to go and get – but you need to be safe primarily.

Unfinished – I think I feel the same. So many questions and no answers as to why – I got apologies and promises but no acknowledgement. The funny thing is my ex/partner turned it round on me – he said he hasn’t had any closure and it was a cowardly thing for me to not even pick up the phone to explain myself and I am cruel and punishing him in this way. I think the unfinished nature of it is really affecting my brain and making it harder to understand.

[Wits End]

Hi Good Samaritan

As the tenancy is in your sole name, I hope you have changed the locks. If not, you must do so. You could ask your landlord to help out with this for safety purposes?

As regards his belongings, can you pack them up and leave them somewhere safe? Could you leave them at a neighbours or friends and ask the person if they would contact him to tell him where his possessions are and give him 6 months max to come and collect? If he fails to collect after that length of time, and he’s had ample warning, then whoever is safe keeping them, would be within their rights to dispose of them, but they must make it clear that if he doesn’t collect them within that time frame, then they will be disposed of without further notice.

I’m in the same boat, I’m all over the place, except that I foolishly married the man, and I own my property which is in my sole name, and yet I’m facing up to the fact that I might have to leave it for my own sanity, and try and go no contact, otherwise he will do what he has done in the past, and persuade me that he will change, and that he will love and cherish me every day, as he said last time, and which was an absolute fib, so I’m trying to summon up the courage to do something positive. Everyone has told me he won’t change, and to take action, but when you’re manipulated every day, financially and emotionally, it’s so tough.

Have you telephoned the benefits agency to sort out a claim for benefit if you need it? You can probably get some sort of crisis loan to start with if needs be? If you are struggling for food, is there a food bank near by? At times of need, pride has to take a back seat, and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Hold your head up high, and start making a To Do List and plan.

WitsEnd x*x

[Good samaritan]

Hi Wits end

The harassment warning states I cannot get a message to him via a 3rd party either so I’m just at a loss. The last thing I need is arresting when I’m already at rock bottom.

It’s become really stifling like I’m stuck in time. I can’t go back or move forward. I have however put in a complaint with the Chief Constable because of the way it has all been handled.

Starry-eyed

I can’t do much legally until I’ve spoken to a solicitor but until the police woman that attended the scene of the incident contacts me with the referral for an injunction I’m snookered legally.

I am in reciept of Universal Credit at the moment but I had to go 2 months without anything so most of it went on rent arrears and utility bills with the weather been so bad. My next payment isn’t due until the end of the month and I have nothing in literally just tea bags and milk and food for my dog. My daughter helps out where she can but that makes me feel worse with her having 3 little ones. I must have applied for every job advertised but haven’t even had so much as an invite for an interview.

[Wits End]

Hi Good Samaritan

is it a police harassment warning? (see below). If so, I don’t see why it would state that you can’t ask a third party to make contact regarding the handing over possessions. I haven’t seen what you have, but that said, ask the third party to contact the police and inform them that they intend to contact your ex partner to ask them to take their possessions. The police will very rarely assist in any such handover, I had that problem myself, in that my husband was put on police bail, with a condition not to contact me directly or indirectly, but he needed his clothing for work, the police said they would assist, but then when they released him, they weren’t interested, so I ended up allowing him back to get bits and hence he started making me feel sorry for him again.

I think as long as your third party clears it with the police by informing them of what they intend to do, and that the person keeps a note of the time they phoned or visited the police, the date, and a note of the conversation, and the officers identification details, then I would be surprised if you would be prosecuted. To prove harassment to a court, you normally have to show a number of continuing events not just a couple of isolated events. See what your lawyer thinks if you are not sure.

Although you are answering to starry eyed in the rest of your message, you do not need to wait to get a lawyer. Find your nearest legal aid lawyer. To do this, go on the law society website and find a firm nearest to you who has specialist family lawyers and who do legal aid, as you will be entitled to public funding to pay your legal costs. The sooner you get to one and get advice, the better, do not wait for the police, they actually know very little when it comes to family law, (detail removed by Moderator). Get to a good family lawyer as soon as you can, make that a priority, and tell them everything, so that they can help, including the help you need for money.

“Harassment warnings
Sometimes if the police decide that they are not going take any further legal action against your abuser, they may give him an informal harassment warning. Harassment warnings are also known as harassment warning notices and police information notices (PINs).
This is a warning which tells your abuser about the law in relation to harassment, and that if there are similar reports in the future the police might take action against him. Your abuser may be asked to sign the warning. This does not mean that he admits to harassing you, it just confirms that he has received the warning. However, if you do report his harassing behaviour to the police again in the future, then the notice can be used to show that he knew that his behaviour is harassment.”
source: rights for women

[Good samaritan]

Wits End

Thank you so so much. My ex kept messaging me telling me I would not get legal aid and wanted desperately to keep it out of the courts but that I am certain was for his own reasons because he works full time. I will have a look for a specialist family lawyer now. Once again thank you x

[Wits End]

Good Samaritan, If you are on benefit, you should be eligible for the legal help scheme as it used to be called, not sure whether it is still that, but someone should be able to help you out.

If you need an injunction, and you are on benefits, you should also be entitled to legal aid, and the lawyer will carry out an assessment for that purpose. You will need to take some form of proof of your benefit to the lawyer, whether it be a letter or bank statement showing the payment etc, and proof of your address.

The lawyer should help you address the issue of his belongings. They can write to him to say he can make arrangements to send a third party to collect them and they will be bagged up and waiting for him on the doorstep at a certain time on a certain date and so on.

Unfortunately, the police give the impression that you have to wait for them to help you and find you a lawyer, but this is not so. You an instruct any family lawyer you choose, but try and find one who specialises in domestic violence if you can. A good family lawyer is worth his or her weight in gold, and they will do all they can to help. And always good idea to make a list of things you want to ask in advance of meeting if you can, so you don’t forget to ask anything. Even better, if you have time, type out a summary of your background, recent events, and any other issues, it will help.

Stay out of contact with the ex partner, however tempting it might be, just don’t go there. Hold your head up high and move forward. And I must try and listen to my own advice!!

Best of luck Good Samaritan, let me know how you get on. We’re all rooting for you. xxxxx

[Author]

Posts