Feels like I’m being set up today

[Sad and alone]

Feel like a trap’s being set today. Got up this morning. Tried to make conversation at breakfast. Just got one word answers, shut down. He has helped me with a job today, didn’t ask him to, and did speak a bit more then but since it’s back to silence or the one word answers. I want to ask him what’s wrong. And I want to ask him if he feels okay because he’s laid down and been asleep and I don’t know if he feels ill or something. Just normal wife questions but I know if I do either it will start an argument. Where he will tell me he’s not okay and then go into his repetitive rhetoric of what a bad person I am. At dinner I started feeling angry about it. I think he wants me to question his behaviour so he can have a go at me.

Recently I think he has been trying to do this by making statements such as he has to deal with situations by himself, no one supports him, other people’s wives do things for their husbands and stand by them etc. He wants me to say I am here and support him etc so he can say I don’t and go off on one but I have just ignored these comments completely.

I read a post here the other day, someone posting for the first time, and it was the exact same situation, describing exactly how I feel. It was weird reading it and I was going to reply but I think they must have deleted it.

I just don’t know what I am doing or where I’m at any more. All
I get told is I have to try, I have to change. But he’s not doing anything. Sometimes he walks in and scowls at me and I have no clue why. He isn’t making any effort to make things better between us. I don’t know what planet I’m on thinking maybe it is my fault and I am not making an effort but he is so unreceptive these days I don’t know what I’m meant to do to improve things. Half the time I think we’re okay and then the next time I see him he seems angry at me for something. To get back to anything like a marriage should be is going to take time. I have to deal with all the abuse and try and put it to one side and forget about it. I don’t think he gets it, or really cares to be honest.

Sorry for the ramble. Just helps me being able to “talk” to someone here. I have something nice planned this week which I should enjoy but my heart isn’t in it and I don’t want to do it. Also have my family member visiting soon and still worried about how that’s going to pan out. Just feeling sad as usual trying to manoeuvre around life without upsetting anyone.

[nbumblebee]

Its just so hard right? That dread for things that we should enjoy as we know its going to cause an argument which will end us with them blaming us and us doubting ourselves. It just shouldnt be that way it just shouldnt. Nothing we do is right if you had asked him like you said it would lead to a fight if you dont you are not being supportive. The problem is with them sweetie not us but yet we blame ourselves. They take away everything we ever knew about ourselves everything we ever believed is taken and we dont recognise ourselves.
Sadly many of us here understand.
The answer? Gosh I have no clue Im still here like you but I think by reaching out talking opening up you will start to see and understand that the problem is his not yours to carry. Start small start here then build up try and talk to someone you trust open up and allow others to help you as you really dont have to do this alone. You are not alone.
My counsellor always tells me dont feed the beast, to set boundries but not to feed his rages ive not quite worked this out myself yet but it may help you? Stay safe keep strong and keep posting, we got you xxxxx

[Bananaboat]

my stomach knotted reading this as I remember those days vividly, the line that stuck out for me though was, ‘to get back to anything like a marriage should be is going to take time’…lovely that’s an impossible target with these people and you’ll lose yourself trying. It’s because you have a nice event looming that he’s doing this. He will never change, this is the real him not the nice version they use to keep us hooked in. Keep notes, use posts on here and you’ll see it more and more. It sucks like hell but you deserve to be happy, not to be treated like this xx

[Sad and alone]

Thanks so much for the replies. If you’d posted just one word it feels better as someone has heard me. Mad I know!
I still can’t comprehend that he ever does anything against me on purpose. Today has been miserable. Ha has hardly interacted. I have tried to strike conversations but been shut down. I then get semi-angry about it as I don’t know what he’s got to be upset about. And if he genuinely doesn’t feel well it makes me feel bad as it makes out I’m a horrible person that doesn’t care. When I would care if he’d accept it. Which he wouldn’t. He’d brush it off or more than likely and start the argument about how (detail removed by moderator). And I can’t risk him saying it because that will lead to an argument.
It takes two people to make an argument they say, which is true. I am a person that will take so much and then blow. I hate confrontation. I don’t want to argue. But there’s a small part of me that refuses to shut up. It’s this that I’m trying to control. Not to bite to comments. Not to fall into traps. How many times I’ve thought to myself “I shouldn’t say this” – said it- and regretted it. This isn’t anything massive. It’s prob what would be called a “white lie”. Just fudging the truth. But it’s always been in me to be honest, and with the one person I’m meant to be closest to I should have to hide things. But every time I always knew I shouldn’t have said x*x as it always led to argument.
Thank you guys for listening. Like I said just knowing someone hears me is a help.
It’s so sad when something I should love is just ruined by this shoddy situation. I’m getting tired of it all.

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