20th November 2023 at 1:41 pm #163388HappybelleParticipant
Anyone else feel like they are themselves being an abuser when starting to put boundaries in place?
My abusers family have been incredibly rude to me, at one point suggesting I would be pleased if my abuser was dead so I didn’t have to worry about them anymore. Horrible and unkind. Since that time I have decided they will not set foot in my house. I don’t think that’s unreasonable and I would never ever say someone can’t see their family. Just not at my house, in my space. It feels like now I’m being controlling but actually just want to protect my peace and my environment. They can go out and be merry if they want, I really don’t care just not them in my house.
Also, closing off my purse and fighting to keep my money feels like I’m controlling because I’m not allowing them to spend my money on going out etc. such a weird feeling. I’d never do that to anyone, it’s about making sure my bills are paid.
Hopefully this makes sense. How has everyone else managed it without feeling like they’ve become the n********t/ controller?
20th November 2023 at 5:36 pm #163396CamelParticipant
It might be useful to understand what constitutes controlling behaviour. The legal definition is acts designed to make a person feel inferior and/or dependent by keeping them apart from friends, help and support. It can include taking advantage of their money and things they have, stopping their independence, and controlling what they want to do.
So, you’re not stopping your abuser see his family, therefore you’re not trying to isolate or control them.
Neither are you taking advantage of them financially. You’re actually trying to stop them taking advantage of your cash.
Words are important. You’re not controlling, you’re asserting control. And this control is absolutely justified. It’s your house, your money. These are not strictly boundaries, they’re simply your rules. If getting them to adhere to these rules is a constant battle then you’ll see that they are actually the controlling one, not you.
20th November 2023 at 8:10 pm #163398browneyedmumParticipant
@Happybelle I can’t wait until I’m in your position.
My house, my money, my rules. Where for years he ran all over that. While he wasn’t working and being protective and coercive about going out to see his friends 2-3x per week, spending money on them… oh how that alone has changed since I got finances from our joint account split up so that he’s no longer spending on his friends on my dime.
And I simply can’t wait… because knowing him, there will be a time when I’m having to stand my ground in mine and our children’s home and tell him, “No. You can’t anymore. And go away.”
21st November 2023 at 1:11 am #163407swanlakeParticipant
It seems to be a common tactic to try to convince the other person that they are the abuser and push perfectly reasonable boundaries.
My abuser used to call me a bully and moan that I didn’t help and support them enough.
We know from other sources like this lovely forum that we are reasonable people.
21st November 2023 at 6:31 am #163410HappybelleParticipant
Thanks for the reminders here all, really helpful to have the sanity check.
There are two hard battles here…. The one with myself to make sure I say no and stick to it and the other one is dealing with the consequences and the outbursts of that “no”. Will get there am so determined 🙂
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