Feels like the end of the world

[MakingAChange]

Last week everything was fine. We were getting on with our life with our 2 kids and despite the few normal everyday problems we were getting along well and were happy. Then I was serving dinner while my husband was playing with the kids (both young). Our son (youngest) bit our daughter’s hand so my husband bit our son’s hand to show him how it felt. His cry was heartbreaking as he held his sore hand. I told my husband what he had done was wrong and I was really upset by it. He told me to stop to which I said I can’t I have to stick up for my son. As I was still serving dinner I had the salt shaker in my hand. He hit it out my hand with a painful slap. The kids were getting scared so I reassured them and sent them to play in the living room. Then I said I wanted him to leave. He told me to kiss his foot or he would leave and he counted to three. I said no way as I wanted him to go anyway and wouldn’t let him degrade me like that. At this point, he smashed his phone on the floor then cut up the sim card and memory card then cut up his provisional licence (he has his theory test booked already). I tried to stop him but hurt my hand trying as I had no chance of getting hold of it anyway. Then I heard the kids getting scared again in the living room so went to reassure them while still telling him to leave. He kissed the kids bye then I followed him to the door. He kissed my cheek and said this is the last kiss to which I told him not to try to make himself look like the good guy. He gave me his key and went. 10 mins later he returned and I stupidly let him back in. He said it’s too cold out there and he’s not leaving. I could leave if I want by myself but I couldn’t contemplate leaving the kids with him. He said I have three choices. We could forget about this and move on, we could split up and take a child each but never see the other child again or I could call the police but if I do then once he’s released he will find me and destroy my life. I tried to reason with him but that was it. I decided I had no choice but to call the police. They came and arrested him. I’ve been too scared to go home since so have been staying with my family but it’s far from ideal for any of us and far away from my house too which is making it so difficult. My husband admitted what he did and (detail removed by moderator) but I don’t know what will happen after that. He doesn’t have my number anymore as he destroyed his phone. I think that’s probably a good thing but at the same time I feel like I need to hear from him. Even if it’s just to know what frame of mind he’s in and if I’m actually at risk or not. He told the police everything but also said he didn’t mean the threats he just said it out of anger and I don’t know why he’d lie about that when everything else he told them was true. I know it sounds pathetic but I’m still deeply in love with him. I wasn’t thinking about leaving him, I was planning our future together. We have a decent life with our lovely kids in a nice area and are all well settled. I was genuinely happy. He has been violent in the past but we worked on that and he’d been so good for a long time. I really saw the improvements so I genuinely thought that was in the past but clearly I was wrong. I don’t know what to do now or where to go. I want to live back in the same area but I worry about sending my kids to school and nursery when he knows they’ll be there. Or I could move somewhere else but I don’t want to do that as the only other practical place would be near my family where I grew up but I’ve always hated it there and know I wouldn’t be happy. There doesn’t seem to be any support. Refuges are miles away and the council has been closed over easter. I don’t even know if they’ll be able to find me somewhere quickly anyway. Then I’m stressed about what to do with all my furniture and large items if I went to a refuge or temporary accommodation. It’s all too much to take on and I’m heartbroken that our lovely family has been torn apart in a moment. I just want it all back how it was but I know that it will never be the same. Please somebody help or advise me.

[Lisa]

Hi MakingAChange,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband sounds very manipulative. These men have no respect for women, even if he isn’t hitting you he is abusing you in other ways.

I understand you want to leave but are worried about the changes. If you haven’t already I would advise you get in touch with your local domestic abuse service. They can meet with you and help you to make a plan to leave.

You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They can help you look for refuge if you want to look at that and can talk things through with you. If you don’t get through straight away you can leave a voicemail via option 2 and request a callback.

Its not pathetic that you are still in love with him. You can’t switch feelings off and this isn’t some stranger that is doing these things. It is your husband and its understandable you want the family to work. However, he knows you still love him but is not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now but you deserve support with this.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Ayanna]

Speak to the police about his threats and tell them they must protect you.
They have to give you alarms and the council needs to secure your home.
As there are children involved the council has a duty of care to safeguard you all.
You need to speak to the school and inform them about the danger. They have to be aware that they need to safeguard your children.
Also, make the threats known to the neighbourhood so that they watch out and report him should he turn up.
The uncomfortable this is, the more people know about this the lesser his chances will be to harm you.
Abuse thrives in silence.
When he realises everyone around your area knows about him he we will prefer not to be seen there. Abusers are cowards and very wary about their reputation.
Please do this for your own protection.
It does not matter what other people think about you. Your life and safety matters.

I had to smile about the passage when he came back after handing you over the keys, because it was too cold outside. My ex abuser was the same. He never handed me over any keys, but he pretended to leave after he beat me for ‘misbehaving’ and then came back because it was cold. I wished he would leave, but he never did. It was all his controlling behaviour and each time the abuse and control became worse.

He did not intend to leave. It was just a bluff.

[Author]

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