Feels too much today

[Put the kettle on]

What’s the point of leaving him when months down the line he’s still trying to control me, he’s using courts etc to try and get his own way. We’re no contact but he keeps using other indirect ways to get to me.

He’s got a lovely smear campaign against me and has his flying monkeys.

What’s the point of leaving when he’ll get unsupervised access with our child and who knows what type of emotional and psychological abuse he’ll inflict on our child. He doesn’t have our child’s best interests at heart, he only cares about himself and what he wants. He’s incredibly selfish.

I want our child to be safe. I know my ex’s dark side, he’ll pretend he’s changed, he’ll be lovely to all the authorities. When they’re no longer involved he’ll stop hiding his nasty side.

I made a list of things he’s done to me and our child, if I read it I cry but I still don’t blame him even though he’s a nasty piece of work. I blame myself. I must have provoked him, he says I’m the controlling one – was I? I asked him to help out with housework (obviously he didn’t so yes I complained)

Everything was about him,still is. Am I selfish for wanting some time for myself? Am I selfish for wanting to not be by his side constantly and see the few friends I have?

Since separation I feel pretty needy like I need validation, I didn’t used to be like this it’s like I don’t know who I am and how to move forward.

I thought I’d feel happy and free when I left and I occasionally do feel like that but it’s like he keeps on dragging me back down. How do I emotionally distance myself from him?

I hate being in the lounge as it was his room, I don’t feel comfortable in there. I worry about what groceries I buy – he wouldn’t approve of this or that, I’m spending too much money on food. I scan people/cars/area incase he’s around. Didn’t expect to feel like this months down the line. Daren’t buy myself clothes as he wouldn’t approve.

He wants me and child out of the family home (he’s living elsewhere) I feel like he’s still the puppet master. I have nightmares about him most nights.

[Marshmallow]

I feel very similar. I too have no contact. I feel as though I am being abused ‘legally’ ie through the courts and through other means that if you told someone they would not appreciate the effect. I am told through solicitors I am controlling. Before we separated If I mentioned housework I would be told I was too fussy. Now If I see the same make and colour car he drives I panic. I worry about spending money and what I buy. I don’t go out in case I am seen out or accused of wasting money. I too don’t know who I am any more or when this will end. I cannot move to a different area because of schooling. It’s a never ending nightmare.

[lover of no contact]

It’s great you both posted. This stage of leaving is very challenging in thousands of ways. But hold onto the fact it’s a thousand times better than living with him in the “cycle of Abuse”. You are both dealing with the aftermath and the fallout of being in a relationship with an abuser. It just takes Time and No Contact. I was where you are now feeling wise in myself and in dealing with “courts, solicitors, etc”. He was fighting for the day to day care of our children and he was fighting in court for him to stay in the family home and me out. This didn’t happen. But the fear and having to deal with the legal people when he was so ‘charming’ was a nightmare. Then deal with his smear campaign against me; his flying monkeys and him brainwashing my children against me seemed too much at times. But this “phase” passed. How did I get through it? Lots of group support(like this one), praying that he wouldn’t get what he wanted, phone calls to WA when it was too much for me,taking it One Day At a Time. Just hanging in there and having no choice I just had to roll with it and be patient I suppose and even though I didn’t feel like it trying to trust I would be ok, having faith that all would be ok in the end. And it was. You have done the most important thing in leaving him. Never doubt your decision. If you keep up a robust No Contact regime with him he will be forced to find a new intimate partner to satisfy his need to hurt and destroy another. He will start to put his energy into the new person so he can control and dominate another. If he still knows he is bring you down and is having contact with you he will be satisfying his Power and Control needs with you and he will be slower to find someone new.

[Escapee]

Tell yourself every day –
I matter
I can eat anything I like
I am always enough
This is my home
I am safe
This is my life

Write down what you like –
Your favourite colour
Your favourite indulgent snack
Your favourite flower

Think about who you were before you met him.
What did you love doing??
What clothes did you enjoy wearing??

You are in there somewhere I promise you xxxx

At the end of each day write down 3 things that made you happy – they can be really simple things like that cup of tea you had, or the taste of toothpaste in your mouth or a cloud you saw. Anything that made you smile inside. It may be hard at first but it will get easier.

Can you rearranged the living room? Buy a throw and/or some new cushions that YOU like?

When you can’t get him out of your head, sing something (anything will do) – it shuts your head up for a while, even if you sing it in your head.

You will win xxxx

Sending you love, hugs and strength x*x

[Author]

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