Fight or flight

[Walkingonsunshine]

Hi, So, I’m feeling bullied into doing things his way regarding separating. He’s reluctant to use solicitors (basically to avoid paying me what I’m due) and I’m scared to go against him.

I’ve found a house I can afford and really can’t wait to just move on. But part of me knows I could/should get more.

Is it worth fighting him and risking upsetting him or do I run and take my happiness?

Interested to know if people have run and wished they’d fought? Or vice versa?

Thanks x

[KIP.]

Talk to a solicitor and don’t tell him. Get good legal advice. He doesn’t want you to talk to a solicitor because you will be entitled to so much more. When you’re further down the road to recovery and you’re no longer scared or bullied by him, I believe you will regret walking away. I absolutely know I would have. I ended up with the family home when I was told i would get nothing. You do not have to have any contact with him once you leave. Your solicitor can act as a buffer for you. Just start gathering important documents. Mortgage details, bank details, savings etc. You’re going to be upsetting him no matter what you do. The goal posts will always change so get what you need to start your future on the best footing possible.

[Hawthorn]

No matter how small a settlement you agree to with him he wont want to give it to you. Abusers have a deep rooted sense of entitlement. In his mind he deserves everything, you deserve nothing. They wont ever give us what we want.

So absolutely speak to a solicitor. Ideally one with experience of dealing with abusive men. Know what your bottom line is and tell the solicitor that. Many solicitors will do a 30min free initial consultation so phone around if you can. He will use this situation to abuse you further and will get upset and angry no matter what you do. So put a solicitor between you and him and cut contact with him as much as possible.

You can do this. You escaped the warzone. You can do anything xx

[Walkingonsunshine]

Thanks for the replies ladies. I do have a solicitor, but I feel scared to let her loose as we still see each other with regards to the children. He likes to use the change over time get in little digs so I’m trying to play his way for an easy life. I know he’s using the no solicitor thing as a way of controlling me, and making sure I walk away with less than I deserve.

Like you say @Kip, If I get away I’ll feel stronger and more able to deal with him…hence the appeal of just running off, If I didn’t have to see him on a regular basis I’d feel so much better about seeing it through.

[Camel]

I’m sure there’s a way to leave and still fight for your fair share. Speak to your solicitor about what needs to be done to protect shared assets until a decision has been formalised. This includes things like selling property, taking loans against property, access to shared accounts. Find somewhere happy and safe to live and gather your strength for a battle. Communicate only through solicitors and let them do what they’re good at. Don’t discuss or agree anything directly with your partner. Once discussions are open to scrutiny he won’t get away with measly offers.

[Camel]

I reread your post sorry and see you’re considering buying somewhere you can afford based on the sum he’s offering? Is there an option to rent, or family to stay with, in the interim? Whatever option is open to you, go through solicitors.

[Empoweredhealing]

Abusers tend to see cooperation, compromise, mutuality as weakness. So giving them what they want doesn’t work. You’ll have to set a lot of boundaries. And if he ignores them, your solicitor can make him know that you are serious. No more bullying you around!

[KIP.]

I told my ex I had a solicitor and I wouldn’t lie to her. That she was there to keep me right legally and I’d take her advice as she had my best interests at heart. What does your solicitor think about his offer?

[Walkingonsunshine]

Sorry for the delayed reply and thanks again for all the replies and support ☺️

I can’t say too much but wanted to let you know I have contacted the solicitor again and asked for more help with the things you’ve mentioned above. Hoping Things become clearer and there’s a better path for me to follow for 2021 x

[SILKIE]

@walkingonsunshine Wow… this has struck a chord with me! My solicitor has served divorce papers this week and my husband sobbing on the phone to my children (they are (detail removed by Moderator)) so I went running round as it sounded like he was contemplating suicide. What are we supposed to do in the face of such emotional blackmail?
(detail removed by Moderator) I felt used, apparently my solicitor had written an awful letter, too strong at this stage. I asked a friend’s lawyer husband to look it over.. it’s an absolutely normal letter for this stage. What has tipped it over the edge is the reference to him being a coercive controller. My son said it would be a ‘p***ing’ contest between my husband and my solicitor… And that is the point, the solicitor is my/your buffer, you will pay him money to protect you from this person who has made your life hell. He is no longer telling you what to do, the solicitor is doing that. He doesn’t want that because the solicitor has control. Reading your post, my instinct is starting to kick in. It is a new experience when you start to notice your instinct and I haven’t ever felt like I can trust my own thoughts but I am realising that is what my husband is doing. Even my children say it must go ahead.

When my daughter bought her car, I said ‘take a deep breath, relax and let your instinct kick in’. It worked and she loves that car. She has since repeated the same sentence to me… and it helps.
So I say the same to you… Take a deep breath, relax and try to let your instinct in. We have all forgotten how it feels to decide for ourselves but you deserve better!

good luck x

[Empoweredhealing]

Silkie, you have nailed it on the head with how these men use “emotional blackmail”. Emotional blackmail is ongoing emotional abuse and manipulation. That’s why having a solicitor to protect you in this process is essential.
Your children are wise to advise you to protect yourself.
Also, a returning sense of trust in your own perceptions, emotions, thoughts, “instinct” is one of the most beautiful gifts of leaving abuse.

[SILKIE]

@empoweredhealing you’re right, I didn’t know I had good instincts but now I’m pulling away, I’m starting to find new inner strength and resolve. I’m starting to feel angry that he thinks he cam manipulate me so easily. I will be racing towards my divorce by the end of this week I am going away for a few days, apparently you can travel if you’re fleeing abuse. I’m getting impatient to end it.

[Empoweredhealing]

@Silkie, that’s really awesome. Once you see abuse, you can’t unsee it. And one good thing that comes out of an experience like this is that you may be able to build a level of self trust that will benefit you in every other relationship too.

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