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    • #118287
      Walkingonsunshine
      Participant

      Hi, So, I’m feeling bullied into doing things his way regarding separating. He’s reluctant to use solicitors (basically to avoid paying me what I’m due) and I’m scared to go against him.

      I’ve found a house I can afford and really can’t wait to just move on. But part of me knows I could/should get more.

      Is it worth fighting him and risking upsetting him or do I run and take my happiness?

      Interested to know if people have run and wished they’d fought? Or vice versa?

      Thanks x

    • #118290
      KIP.
      Participant

      Talk to a solicitor and don’t tell him. Get good legal advice. He doesn’t want you to talk to a solicitor because you will be entitled to so much more. When you’re further down the road to recovery and you’re no longer scared or bullied by him, I believe you will regret walking away. I absolutely know I would have. I ended up with the family home when I was told i would get nothing. You do not have to have any contact with him once you leave. Your solicitor can act as a buffer for you. Just start gathering important documents. Mortgage details, bank details, savings etc. You’re going to be upsetting him no matter what you do. The goal posts will always change so get what you need to start your future on the best footing possible.

    • #118300
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      No matter how small a settlement you agree to with him he wont want to give it to you. Abusers have a deep rooted sense of entitlement. In his mind he deserves everything, you deserve nothing. They wont ever give us what we want.

      So absolutely speak to a solicitor. Ideally one with experience of dealing with abusive men. Know what your bottom line is and tell the solicitor that. Many solicitors will do a 30min free initial consultation so phone around if you can. He will use this situation to abuse you further and will get upset and angry no matter what you do. So put a solicitor between you and him and cut contact with him as much as possible.

      You can do this. You escaped the warzone. You can do anything xx

    • #118327
      Walkingonsunshine
      Participant

      Thanks for the replies ladies. I do have a solicitor, but I feel scared to let her loose as we still see each other with regards to the children. He likes to use the change over time get in little digs so I’m trying to play his way for an easy life. I know he’s using the no solicitor thing as a way of controlling me, and making sure I walk away with less than I deserve.

      Like you say @Kip, If I get away I’ll feel stronger and more able to deal with him…hence the appeal of just running off, If I didn’t have to see him on a regular basis I’d feel so much better about seeing it through.

    • #118341
      Camel
      Participant

      I’m sure there’s a way to leave and still fight for your fair share. Speak to your solicitor about what needs to be done to protect shared assets until a decision has been formalised. This includes things like selling property, taking loans against property, access to shared accounts. Find somewhere happy and safe to live and gather your strength for a battle. Communicate only through solicitors and let them do what they’re good at. Don’t discuss or agree anything directly with your partner. Once discussions are open to scrutiny he won’t get away with measly offers.

    • #118343
      Camel
      Participant

      I reread your post sorry and see you’re considering buying somewhere you can afford based on the sum he’s offering? Is there an option to rent, or family to stay with, in the interim? Whatever option is open to you, go through solicitors.

    • #118453
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      Abusers tend to see cooperation, compromise, mutuality as weakness. So giving them what they want doesn’t work. You’ll have to set a lot of boundaries. And if he ignores them, your solicitor can make him know that you are serious. No more bullying you around!

    • #118456
      KIP.
      Participant

      I told my ex I had a solicitor and I wouldn’t lie to her. That she was there to keep me right legally and I’d take her advice as she had my best interests at heart. What does your solicitor think about his offer?

    • #119038
      Walkingonsunshine
      Participant

      Sorry for the delayed reply and thanks again for all the replies and support ☺️

      I can’t say too much but wanted to let you know I have contacted the solicitor again and asked for more help with the things you’ve mentioned above. Hoping Things become clearer and there’s a better path for me to follow for 2021 x

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