Fighting the urge to return

[Catjam]

I’m really struggling. I feel like I have made my point now, I should go back. He left a card with my daughter for (detail removed by Moderator). I haven’t sent him one.
My phone has just pinged with a message of love from him. So then I become angry because he isn’t following my terms of no contact. As far as he and my 2 older kids are concerned I have moved out to get my head straight and decide what I want.
I know I can never go back but the pull to him is really hard to deal with. Over (detail removed by Moderator) decades of my life have been spent caring for him. My youngest who has come with me is being amazing even though she is clearly struggling too. Not only has she had to deal with him not speaking to her but her 2 sisters have decided she is too toxic to deal with. She has made mistakes, some blooming stupid ones but to me that’s just what they are. Her dad has pretty much ignored her existence for the last few years even though we all lived in the same house. I don’t think they appreciate the damage that does to a person.
It’s the push I needed to walk away, after she finally sat him down and explained the damage he had done to her and along side the damage to me being caught in the middle and he still barely acknowledged her.
I am feeling paranoid too that he knows where I am. It’s just a feeling, I haven’t seen him or his car or anything. I debated getting those doorbells fitted that have the cameras built in but I would end up checking it all the time.
Trying to keep busy but I feel so tired all the time. Hoping this all passes.

[KIP.]

It will pass. Try to look at it as (detail removed by Moderator) years of him being abusive and taking advantage of you. (detail removed by Moderator) years of stunted growth and anti parenting. (detail removed by Moderator) years of struggling to be heard. Of having your feelings and emotions invalidated. That’s what you will go back to. You’re breaking a habit and that’s always difficult. Boundaries trampled on. Still being trampled on. At least you’re showing your children that they all have choices to walk away from abuse. My son sided with my abuser, his father. That’s his choice and that’s what comes from having an abusive dysfunctional parent. It’s not your fault and they need to figure this out themselves. He’s always going to play the victim because it gets him what he wants. Block his number and give yourself some space x

[Eggshells]

Hang on in there Catjam. You are doing great. It is a hankering after familiarity and that old chestnut of trauma bonding. You need to tough it out until the feelings subside; and they will.

Keep busy and focus your energies on you and your daughter. She really needs you now.

Try to treat yourself to something that you couldn’t or wouldn’t do with him there. A stroll in the sun, bubble bath, a cup of tea sitting outside somewhere beautiful. You can start to enjoy simple pleasures now that you don’t have to constantly focus on him. xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Hope you hang in there. This is the toughest stage I think. Beware of “euphoric recall”. It’s when your mind trick you by forgetting abuse and start remembering the “good times”. Separation is a threat to survival so our minds do everything it can to convince us to return.
Try to remind yourself of what you have gone through and what the reality is. Watching a few minutes of Youtube videos on abuse every day can be helpful. Hang in there❤️

[Catjam]

We went out, bought some bits for the house. I went through an old journal too just to remind myself that I am doing the right thing. It’s just so hard.

[Hawthorn]

You’re being really brave Catjam. It is really hard. Empowered Healing is right, this can be toughest part, so be very kind to yourself. Buying some things to make your new place feel like home is exactly the sort of thing of thing to be doing. There will be periods, of which this is one, where its simply a matter of putting in the day as best you can and letting time pass. It does get easier but with time and self-compassion.
Brighter days are ahead for you, you won’t always feel as you do now. A day will come when you exhale, for what feels like the first time in years, and the world is a beautiful, peaceful place again. Ride this out and know it gets better, you can do it x*x

[Author]

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