Figuring out if this is abuse

[Anonymous]

My mum had to move in for a while whilst I had a physical illness. She’s now gone and I’m better. However recently we had a conversation. Where she said I was the most ungrateful b***h she’s ever known. She went on to say that she feels we’ve not had a good relationship since I hit my late teens. And her reasoning was because I was a b***h. Reflecting on my childhood she was extremely controlling. We weren’t allowed to have friends. We weren’t allowed to go out. She would micro manage my whole life. So I feel when I hit older ages it was more difficult for her to control me. Hence me being a b***h in her eyes. She uses any upset within the family to scream and shout at me. Usually saying hurtful things such as you are a failure. I will never talk to you if you do x y and z. All I do is constantly beg her for a loving relationship and she says it’s something she doesn’t want to give. It leaves me wondering why she hates me so much. I wasn’t a tearaway teen or child. Did well in education etc. She says I’m cold, heartless and hard to talk to. So I beg more and try.my best not to be those things. When i speak to friends they say that’s definitely not my personality. So I know she’s toxic. But why am I feeling heart broken and hurt over deciding to give myself some space from her. She says when I’m upset she knows I won’t talk to her so then I get anxious and answer her calls in fear she will say I’m not talking to her. I’ve told her she’s toxic and gaslight me. But that was met with “you don’t know what those things are” you love to use those phrases but your just wrong and stupid. I feel like I’m going crazy.

[ISOPeace]

Movingonandon that is definitely abuse. I felt sad reading your post. It must be so hurtful to be treated that way, especially by your mum. Saying she doesn’t want a loving relationship with you sounds like a really vicious way to do what all abusers do – make you feel like you’re the problem and crush you.

Please know that this is all about her. It was never about you. You were never the problem. You always have been and always will be worthy of love and respect. Her behaviour towards you is all about her lack of empathy, need to control and whatever else drives an abuser, but it is not because of anything about you or anything you’ve done.

I’m not surprised you feel heart broken. Being rejected by a parent must be the ultimate rejection. It’s ok to feel hurt and grieve the relationship you’ve always wanted with her. You are probably also attached to her with a trauma bond. I would recommend reading up on it, because it might help explain why it’s so hard to move on and help you see that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. I would also recommend reading up on abuse, because realising how universal the tactics are and how its all about the abuser could help you let go of some of the shame.

I’m sad to say that you’re feeling what she wants you to feel, and she wants you to feel worthless, hopeless and to blame, because that allows her to have power over you and to control you. You are not going crazy but she wants you to feel unsettled and confused because it gives her power over you. I haven’t experienced abuse from a parent, but I imagine it must feel so difficult to consider giving up on her and keeping her out of your life. But from what you have described, you may well feel much freer and happier if you do that.

When she says she knows you won’t talk to her when you’re upset is her way of forcing you to focus on her feelings rather than yours. This is what all abusers do. Rather than honour your own hurt and give yourself space to feel it and care for yourself, you feel compelled to appease her by pretending everything is fine. Having your feelings invalidated leaves you feeling confused, like you’re invisible and that your feelings don’t matter. It takes time to heal from this and it’s very difficult to do so if the abuse is still happening, some people even say impossible.

I hope somebody who has had a similar experience sees your post. Most posts on here are about abuse from partners so it may be that people don’t feel like they have the experience to help you, it’s certainly not that they don’t care. Your local women’s aid and the national domestic abuse helpline can provide support and signpost you to other organisations for support. Please do reach out. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and you absolutely do deserve love and support. Sending you lots of love xxxx

[Anonymous]

Hi thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I was in a domestic violent/controlling/emotional/sexual abuse relationship with my sons father. I have suffered with ptsd for a very long time since. Thankfully we are safe and that chapter of my life is closed. However, due to severe depression and ptsd I’ve been on a journey of self discovery thru counselling. Therapy helped me link my childhood experiences of continuing controlling behaviour to the reason why I was unable to spot red flags in my past relationship. Since then I’ve worked tirelessly to not fall into the same trap. Now I’m aware of typical abusive behaviour I can. Ow on occasions see my mum for who she is. I also said to her that because of the way she was/is i was a DV perpetrators wet dream. Since then she rages at me on regular basis as she refuses to accept that she is abusive, albeit not intentional at all times. I feel her behaviour is too learnt from her own traumatic childhood. As I write this I can see I’m giving her excuses. I feel as if I’m drowning again. Reason being the initial realisation that the relationship you thought you had with someone was all smoke and mirrors is so painful. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to again go thru that heart break and pain like I did with my ex. When I say heartbreak I don’t mean in the terms of regular break up heart break. I mean it kills me inside that I was fooled/gaslighted/had the wool pulled over my eyes by my ex. And I fear that I will now experience these feelings again when I start on the journey to see my mother as what she is. I shall take a read of what you suggest. I’m so sad, that I don’t have a mother figure in my life. Being a lone parent is hard. I feel so alone in this world as it is, and I think I’m starting to question whether I will again lose someone who I thought was going to be a permanent fixture in my life. I often question it she is bipolar and what can I do as a her daughter to not let her affect me so. Your words are so helpful. I cant lie I cried reading them. I feel like I need the validation from other suvivors that I’m not going crazy. But then I also feel guilty and attention speaking for saying I need validation. I feel like I’m betraying my mum for even discussing this anonymously.

[Author]

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