30th December 2020 at 10:11 pm #118737
I’m new here been separated for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years. Everything is finalised divorce etc however I’m really struggling to ‘move on’.
I have no interest in starting another relationship it’s more the aspect of living my life. I have a toddler and therefore see my ex at handovers. I feel stuck in this terrible state where my emotions are all consuming with unjust and anger. He’s moving on with his life and what appears to have gotten away with his behaviour
Certainly no repercussions when no one is aware of who you truly are. But my life is stuck, stuck in anger that he gets to move on and live ‘normally’ whilst I continue to have bad dreams, obsessive thoughts about everything that happened.
It’s not helped by the anxiety and dread that I have at handovers.
I’m hoping a few of you who feel are on the other side of this might be able to share some things that have helped you.
Sometimes I wondering if I’m waiting for this euphoric moment of freedom but I guess that’s not the reality.
Any advice would be really helpful.
30th December 2020 at 10:24 pm #118739HettyParticipant
It’s really hard when you have to deal with handovers. I had his with my first husband. I used to hate (detail removed by Moderator) afternoons and feel the dread of having to see him hanging over me. Is there any way someone else could do the handover for you?
It’s normal to feel angry, especially when it seems like they’re happy. Rest assured these men can never be happy because they never resolve their issues. Remember you will only see what he wants you to see. Under the facade he’ll still be the same as he always was.
Think of anger like holding a burning piece of coal. The longer you hold onto it the more it hurts you. Have you thought about accessing counselling to help you process this very normal response?
It’s very tough with a toddler to care for. I’ve been there with my son, doing it on my own. Life does get easier. Take time to concentrate on you. Where do you want your life to go? What would make you happy? Be proud for getting out abs making a better life for you and your child. Be your own best friend. What would you tell a good friend who was feeling the way you are right now xx
30th December 2020 at 10:27 pm #118740HettyParticipant
Also, there’s no time line for working through your feelings. (detail removed by Moderator) years is no time when coming out of a domestically abusive relationship. Think how far you have come. I know it’s frustrating how much time and effort we have to put into recovery xx
30th December 2020 at 10:36 pm #118742
Thanks for replying, (detail removed by Moderator) my very supportive mum has started to do the handovers for me but this isn’t a long term solution. I just felt it was getting too much for me and I needed to go no contact for a while.
Access to my son is definitely used to try keep a foot in the door with me so to speak.
At the time when I left I didn’t seek any help other then legal help for a non mol. The abuse left me feeling like I wasn’t worthy or could justify getting any help. But I have reached out to two local charities for some support/courses to try and improve my mindframe.
It’s funny isn’t it because the logical part of my brain can see that him ‘moving on’ is another part of his game and charade, I also realise his behaviour will not change and he will go on to treat someone else the same.
But even knowing all that it doesn’t stop it from hurting and feeling like he ‘got away with it’.
I’m very lucky that I have a good job and a home but I have nothing and no one else other then my parents and my son. This also hasn’t been the best year to start a new life either really. I’ve read a few posts on here and seeing that lots of people are affected for quite some time after is reassuring that I’m not going crazy xx
30th December 2020 at 10:37 pm #118743GreenSapphireParticipant
Hetty’s analogy of anger is a good one, for me personally it’s what Buddha said about anger that worked for me:
‘Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’
Anger stopped being an everyday all day consumption when I realised like you are doing right now, that it wasn’t doing me any good and I was getting a bit tired of it and rather bored. Then acceptance started to come in… i accepted what had happened and that I may not have all the answers as to why he did all the things he did and that I may never have them… then the cloud started to lift quite quickly after that.
Spirituality, exercise, meditation and taking things as they come and being my own best friend like Hetty has said all worked their magic bit by bit over time. All small things that eventually add up to big things x
You will be better when you barely think about him any longer and if and when you do, it doesn’t hurt and it’s like flicking a fly out of your face… they become irrelevant x
30th December 2020 at 10:47 pm #118744SeekingPeaceParticipant
I understand how tough it is. I have two very young children. After I left my husband (detail removed by Moderator), I was tortured by seeing him for the frequent handovers of the children. It was so stressful. Much more recently I’ve taken a big step and gone no contact. Is this something you could consider to help towards your healing and building your new life of freedom?
I wasn’t ready to go “no contact” when it was first suggested to me earlier this year. But having npw taken the plunge I can say with 100 percent confidence and peace that it was the right thing to do. Up until that point I was tortured by having to see him with his Cheshire cat grin at handovers.
I have a very good friend who hands over and collects the children who has also agreed to do text/phone communication in-between contact if the need arises). I sent him an email just at the start of going no contact stating he was not to text, phone or email me unless it was an emergency relating to the children.
It is a short-term arrangement and solution as I know I couldnt expect this friend to keep doing this for me indefinitely, but for now it is giving me some much needed space to heal from his abuse. But having gone no contact im determined to keep it up however i possibly can.
At some point in the coming weeks, I will need to think of a new solution. My family don’t live nearby and I can’t think of any other friend I could ask but maybe ill look into the possibility of handing over via a contact centre and communicating anything important regarding the children via a communication diary/book that gets passed between me and him.
Perhaps this is something you could consider if you don’t have a suitable third party in the form of family or friend who could do child handovers? X
30th December 2020 at 10:52 pm #118745SeekingPeaceParticipant
I should add that I haven’t yet achieved totally no contact as unfortunately he facetimes the children (detail removed by Moderator) week (an agreement made via my solicitor). At the moment I have to facilitate this by answering his call and holding the phone so he can see the children as they are too young to do the call independently.
This is annoying but it is still a massive improvement from previously when he was facetiming daily, and I had to deal with handovers in person several times a week during lockdown.
I tolerate that facetime call in the knowledge it won’t be forever. And one day the children will be old enough to do it themselves.
30th December 2020 at 11:29 pm #118748
I really like both of those analogies.
I’m fortunate that handover is (detail removed by Moderator) a week and there is no phone/facetime contact in between, access was mutually agreed at the very beginning and he hasn’t challenged it. My mum has just started doing handovers for me and I’ve installed a family app for him to discuss any child arrangements through. Hopefully after a bit more time of no contact it will start to feel easier.
I think exercise and mindfulness would be a really good thing for me, prior to Covid I had been a regular gym goer for about (detail removed by Moderator) years.
It’s nice to hear that it just take time, I was driving myself a bit mad wondering why after all this time I still wasn’t ‘over it’.
I just want to say thank you to all of you for replying me. Strangely enough your the first people other then a solicitor that I have spoken to about being in an abusive relationship. A weight feels like it’s been lifted just realising there are other people out there that understand xx
31st December 2020 at 12:25 am #118750HawthornParticipant
Really well done reaching out here and you’re very welcome to the forum😊
You’re remarkable to have done so much on your own, my counsellor and support group have been so integral to my recovery. Please keep reaching out here and do consider contacting your local womens aid for further support and access to local services. You deserve some support you know, his abuse was not your fault. We can remove ourselves from the situation but the deep emotional scars take time and care to heal.
Be very kind to yourself, and enjoy rediscovering your hobbies now you’re free to! That’s where I’ve found the euphoria! And noticing the joy in little things, like a cuppa in bed or a PJ day with your baby with no one telling you you’re lazy, that’s where I found the peace. It takes time and some effort but is well worth both xx
31st December 2020 at 5:38 pm #118804GreenSapphireParticipant
I second that, come back and talk whenever you want to or feel the need to. Glad we were able to help, have a very happy new year 🥳
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