Filed for divorce

[Sadie]

I did it.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Sleeping apart but still living in the same house with child who ‘does not know yet’.
He hasn’t even opened it yet. More control.
Says it will be more than a year before house ready to sell as he will be doing thework and he will make d**n sure. More control.
This all takes so long and Ijust want it done.

[KIP.]

Hi Sadie, I tried it this way and it doesn’t work. He sees you staying there indefinitely for him to abuse when he feels like it. When my husband began to realise I was serious, his abuse went off the scale. I just didn’t realise the danger I was in because I’d been desensitised to his violence. He saw a red mist and attacked me. Ended up he was arrested and bailed which was the best thing that could have happened. Got him out the house until I was in a better place to deal,with his dysfunctional behaviour. I recorded the assault. If you can evidence his abuse and get a non mol order until the house sells, this is the best way forward. Hes never going to be civil. In fact mine assaulted me, then the next day he got his lawyer to write to me saying we could live together and he would be civil to me if I was civil to,him! Watch out for truely shocking behaviour not to mention dangerous 🤔

[Sadie]

Decree nisi through!
both now been for initial independent mediation sessions.
I am the one doing various painting and sanding and gardening jobs around the house to get it ready for sale.
He has things to do before making first joint session appointment – imagine been advised to see solicitor. God, how long will that take?
I bet he won’t get off his a*s to do all the jobs round the house that he insists need to be done before he agrees to put on market until after the whole mediation thing is finalised and decree absolute sorted.
this is all still going to take b****y months.
In the meantime I spend as little time in the same room as him as possible. If I am cooking a meal for self and teenager I offer him a meal. He is doing some of the laundry now. He has been properly nasty once to child since I told him I wanted a divorce.
Not been nasty to me but I am losing my s**t with him when appropriate. Hopefully as he’s never hurt me physically the danger of that is receding the longer it doesn’t happen.
He has the nerve to tell me to ‘calm down’ when I raise my voice to him. I say that he never calmed down for all those years when he was properly losing his s**t with me.
I get that the only control over me he has now is how long this takes until I am free of him.
Also, I am really looking forward to what I can make of my life now. I have short, medium and long term goals! I think he sees nothing but loneliness, alcohol and an early death sat at home in front of the TV ahead of him.
He may be right but that’s not in my control nor is it my fault or responsibility.
I am practising not running my every decision through the ‘what will he say/how will he react/will this set him off’ filter. Sometimes this works better than others. I am becoming more and more aware how almost every decision I have made for many years was made (or not made and deferred to him) with the use of this filter. How horrifying and exhausting.
I get so angry with myself for letting this happen to me.
I want it over.

[Sadie]

KIP
thank you for your reply.
In an awful way it might be easier if he had been violent cos then there’s a mechanisism to get him out.
It’s been a number of months now and it feels as if he has lost the power to control me with his contrived temper and vileness but can only control speed of divorce.

[Nova]

Sadie,
Just be careful safety is your priority for yourself and your child.

Much as you think you know.. people can be unpredictable and your in a vulnerable position, verbal abuse mixed with no respect and hopelessness can make a toxic combination, it can easily trigger violence.

Be careful, his house drama…is not your priority, your future is!

Keep safe

Cx

[Suntree]

Sadie

As the others have said be careful. I too went through the we are not together but living in the same house bit.
It was confusing for the children as he suddenly started to do things, in the house, with them and as a family????
it was confusing for me.

Then he started to change, back to where he was and with extras.

I was kept out of the house for longer because he needed time with the kids and me being their was upsetting them. I believed this.

As his control got less over me the more things he would try on me then the kids got it, not the nasty stuff the nice taking them away for short breaks, the promises of things they really wanted without ever meaning to keep those

The house actually go worse in repair.
My mental health went downwards.
He was getting great pats on the back.
He was out looking for his next person gravy train I was more trapped than ever.
He then started a campaign to get me out of the house all together, to keep the kids because he believed that he would get the house and the money that came with them.
It was truly calculated and horrendous.
He made a mistake on his behalf which meant I had to leave the house and take the kids with me.

I am so glad he made that mistake because I don’t think I would be as far down the line as I am now without it.

I thought I could make it work until the house was sold he had no intention of ever selling that house.

I had to force him to sell (detail removed by moderator) and for a lot less than we bought it for. Most of that was the state he had got the house in to and I was very lucky to have wonderful estate agents and solicitors.

What I would say is if there is anything that is precious to you get it out of the house somewhere safe. Like memories. You put the house on the market now while he is still up for the idea of selling and get his signature on the papers to sell.

Start working out where you can go even if the house isn’t sold.

Be prepared for him to do mind games on your child and your child behavour to deteriorate.

Good luck

[Author]

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