Filmed without consent

[Tractor]

Hello ,

Its been a long time since ive had to come on here for help …

Ive been dating a man and on the surface he seemed to be lovely . He has said a couple of things that have concerned me about issues with his ex and I have recently applied for a Claires law which I havent had back yet.

A few weeks ago we were ‘together ‘ and i noticed hed tried to film on the Ipad at the side of me. I told him to turn it off and i didnt like it .

Recently , during a facetime he showed me of a video of me performing an ‘act ‘ ,there was also another video which was a bit more graphic…. i had been drinking so I said i dont know how i feel about this and said id talk to him the day after … anyway i have still felt the same and said im really unhappy about this and wanted him to delete it. Hes sent me a video showing him deleting the videos . He played it down and said it was a bit of fun and that i was hardly fully naked and a full session which upset me more .

I am really shocked at him because i thought he was lovely .

Im really upset about this , i feel violated , let down , broken my trust . I havent actually spoken to him since and i feel like i cant continue the relationship with him but my concerns are , has he actually deleted it fully, are there any more videos , have they been sent to anybody and how many other women has he done this to ?

Ive spoken to a friend who is in the police and they are really concerned about this and say i should report it , but i dont really want to get him into trouble but at the same time i feel devastated about this .

Has anybody experienced anything similar ? or have any advice ?

[Watersprite]

Hey – this would worry me – not only has he done something without consent he has minimised it and made it out to be your issue which is even more red flags. Mine did this and he was extremely abusive. Sorry you are going through this x

[ISOPeace]

I’m sorry to hear this has happened. I don’t have any experience of it but I agree with Watersprite – both doing it without consent and then trying to make out it’s not a big deal are worrying. Of course people often downplay what they’ve done when they’re trying to convince themselves it wasn’t that bad in minor situations, but this is a serious violation of your boundaries and if this is his typical reaction to such serious things, it is a red flag for somebody who is not looking for a mutually respectful relationship at best and abuse at worst.

It must be really horrible to think you might have found another abuser. But you have your eyes open to the red flags so you’re not going to get blindly sucked in. Stay strong, sending love xxxx

[KIP.]

Please report this. Let the police investigate and make sure all these videos are deleted. I would think there are more that you don’t know about. If he’s done nothing wrong then he won’t get into trouble however this behaviour is unacceptable and usually it’s a pattern. He’s not your responsibility. Block him and report him.

[Tractor]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I was still awake at 3.30 am worrying about it. Ive emailed WA for advice too.

I’m so much stronger these days been out (detail removed by moderator) years and if this had happened even 12 months ago id have been in bits , but im a lot stronger but its still really affected me.

I think maybe see what the police say and have any history about him and even if I don’t decide to go forward atleast they know about it.

I am really embarrassed and feel violated.

[KIP.]

It’s important the police know because the next woman who approaches them will be told of his behaviour and won’t doubt herself x

[ultimatelyStrong]

My ex did this. Even though I said no he filmed anyway without my consent. It’s a crime and you can report him. The least you should do is recognise him for what he is. No genuinely nice guy would do this. I would guess at a pretty severe porn addiction? You deserve better.

[ultimatelyStrong]

And do not feel embarrassed. You did nothing wrong. He’s the pervert. You had every reason to trust him until you couldn’t. This is not on you!

[Twisted Sister]

we can all see who the pervert is here. I am so sorry hes violated you this way. i hope you can heal and nail the pervert.

[Tractor]

Its been reported . Will see what they say , my experience with the police previously hasn’t been great , let’s hope they’ve improved in my area …

Its really got to me alot worse than I thought it would .

So sorry some of you have experienced it too . I think its hit me more because I really thought he was nice

[ISOPeace]

Well done Tractor, you’ve done the right thing. Whatever the police do, you have still done the right thing.

Don’t forget that he did everything he could you make you think he was nice. The most important part is that you picked up on the red flags before you were too sucked in the see what was going on. You have shown us all that even if we are targeted by another abuser, we don’t have to be sucked in again. xxxx

[Author]

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