Final straw

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

I’m to the end of my tether, we went through a tough patch where physical abuse was at least a few times a month. He developed a secret addiction and gas lighted me into believing it was in my head and I was nearly sectioned as a result. He even drugged me and confessed to it. But even after all that I fought on through. I felt like things were better, and better they were, but still not normal. Is it normal to be banned from any of the kids clubs and activities due to their being other men there? No it isn’t. Is it normal to be called a “fat c**t” the second I disagree with anything he says? No. Is it normal to be told to shut up and stop speaking the second i begin to discuss my day with my partner? No it isn’t, especially when 5 minutes later he will proceed to talk about his day and expect me to engage with conversation about his day, and if I’m not told to shut up he just ignores everything i say.
Is it normal to be scraping on my singular wage which handles the food, the bills and any extra expenses for the kids meanwhile he with his wage which is double mine just gets to gamble the entire thing and refuse to put any money into things we need? No again it isn’t normal.

I can deal with physical abuse I can b****y take it and I can attempt to defend myself, but the coercion, the financial control, the control over the way I’m able to parent, the gaslighting, and the verbal insults are way harder to deal with. And I’m stronger than I once was, but I am a creature of habit and i don’t want to give up when I’ve already fought so hard, I don’t want to have to change my life… I don’t want to b****y go on tinder! I don’t want to get to know any one else! But I do with all my heart want another baby, and the clocks ticking and if I’m not having another baby with him then have I even got time to find someone else and build the foundations of a good relationship? Probably not! He has yet again stormed out with a “we are over for good” but he says that every time an always comes back and I let him because I’m terrified of change, I’m terrified to be alone, I’m terrified of him having another baby with someone else, I’m terrified he will find someone whose prettier, more skinny than me and he will disregard me as a bad memory and I will mean nothing more, I’m terrified he will try to turn my kids against me, I’m terrified he will abuse someone else and my kids will witness it – I’ve sheltered them as much as I can from the abuse but another woman isn’t going to do that for kids that are not her own. I’m terrified I will never love anyone else, I will never trust again and I’ll be left with the pain whilst he goes an lives his life freely. Who knows if he will try an come back, but in all honesty I don’t know how I’ll react anymore I don’t want to fight anymore I just feel numb. I love him so much, but I can’t even answer what it is i love anymore because I don’t know if he is the person i fell in love with. I feel so angry and hurt and betrayed and I just want to be happy i deserve to be happy, but I don’t know if im strong enough to close the chapter. I don’t know if I can turn my emotions off so that I’m not hurt by him not being here. I don’t know what i want anymore, I think i know i stand more of a chance being happy without him but i don’t know if I will make it through the painful part I don’t know if I’m strong enough to make it through that! I’m so scared and I want a hug an the only person i hug bar my kids is him and I can’t have that. I don’t know what I want from this post, I don’t know what I want from anything anymore.

[Better-days]

Hi iv just read your post it’s touching. I understand how you feel and it’s totally normal to have all these mixed emotions… try and take care of yourself whatever happens you will be fine if he dosnt come back you will build yourself up to be stronger than ever. X*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

You wrote everything I feel although our experiences are different it goes to show no matter the abuse it leave us feeling the same.

I’m sure others can relate and advise.

As Bette-days says take this time to care for yourself and you may find that is all it takes to become stronger and feel clearer about what you want.

Hugs CB X

[gettingtired]

I felt the confusion and conflicting thoughts like you so badly towards the end of the ‘situationshiop’ I was in with my ex. Something I did realise after leaving him was that so many things I had been anxious about (resulting in me continuously delaying leaving him) turned out to not even be major problems in the end. I guess you could say the hardest part was actually living through the abuse day in, day out. I think you just convince yourself that you’re ‘ok’ to some extent and the abuse gets normalised. Although leaving was terrifying, it really opened my eyes to how crazy and chaotic my life was (due to his behaviour). Sorry, I’m not sure how much my comment has helped but I just want you to know that I completely understand the pain you’re feeling. Sending a virtual hug x

[Camel]

This is a very powerful post. You’ve described perfectly how our reasoning becomes scrambled as a result of abuse. The damage to the brain is as real as a bruise. I remember it as a kind of high-frequency buzz, like white noise. I couldn’t hold on to one thought. They all came at once, contradictory and doom-laden.

When it’s hard to focus I find it useful to write thoughts down. Try to separate your fears of what might happen (abusing a future partner who won’t protect your children) from things that definitely will happen (financial security, safety, a calm home.)

Maybe you could also list everything about your current life that you want to hang on to. What it is about him that you love. A wise friend once compared loving an abuser to playing the slot machines. You get a few quick wins so you keep playing. Then the machine stops paying out but you know it’s only a matter of time and keep feeding it coins. You get to the point where you’ve put in everything you have and can’t risk walking away, just in case the next person gets the benefit of your investment.

I hope you’re ok and am sending you a virtual hug. x

[Eggshells]

Wow! You’re ability to pick apart your thoughts and fears with such clarity is incredible. I think that what you are describing are the inner fears that so many of us have felt but we can’t necessarily understand our fears with quite so much clarity. Certainly, for me, I felt fear at the idea of leaving but I couldn’t necessarily work out what was making me fearful.

What I can say, honestly, is that in the first few years, it was very difficult. Years on, not only do I have no regrets but I know that I have an appreciation of life that non abused women may never have and it brings the most wonderful mix of emotions that I wish I could just plug you all into. If you could just have a taste of how good it feels you wouldn’t hesitate to leave.

I was out walking last weekend. It was really cold and sunny. I was completely alone- no-one else around. There was a field of miniature ponies on one side of me and I could just stop and watch them. A little bird was flying along the hedgerow and seemed to keep stopping to wait for me to catch up. There were birds singing all around and I could just stand still, watch the calm, frosty fields and listen. I became aware that I was smiling and I tuned into my emotions. It was pure joy. Peace, freedom, oneness with my surroundings.

I could never have felt that whilst I was so emersed in the daily confusion and misery of an abusive relationship. I couldn’t have freed my mind like that. It felt like an ecstacy that no drug could re-create. I was suddenly really hungry and I looked forward to going home (a new experience, I always dreaded going home before).

It’s so easy to focus on our fears of leaving when fear is all we know. I hope this might give you some hope. There is something else that replaces all of the things you fear losing and it is the pure joy of freedom. Its hard to focus on that because you haven’t experienced it yet but please know it is there.

Those old desires, the things you fear losing fade away in time. At the moment you fear losing the safety rails that you are used to clinging on to but there comes a time when you just don’t need those safety rails any more because you’re out of that relationship. You develop a completely different way of living. xx

[StrongLife]

I am glad you found this forum to discuss these things on and reach out for help.

Sounds difficult what you are dealing with. It’s so heartbreaking when you put so much into the marriage to be terrified to end it.

Can you seek help from local counselling or group or social workers etc in your area that can help you through difficult time?

[Author]

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