Finally found some clarity

[Belle250]

My apologies as this one is a little long winded!

I felt like I needed to write this post because the past few days are the first days where I actually felt like I had some clarity and some sort of explanation in response to the absolute chaos, thoughts and feelings I’ve been experiencing for the last (detail removed by moderator).

I’m a very logical and methodical person, I need to hear both sides of the story, I need to hear the facts and figures to an argument.
So when my own choices were taken away from me by the authorities (Police arrested and pushed to prosecute my ex against my wishes) and when my ex completely stopped all contact with me as a result, I hit my absolute rock bottom.
I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t know what to think and I was searching and searching for answers and some kind of rationalisation and explanation as to why I was feeling the way that I was feeling and when people would tell me, there is no making sense, it’s abuse and it causes chaos – that wasn’t enough for me.

I’ll be honest and say that I probably made myself very ill because I was so adamant that I WOULD find an explanation so this is why I feel like I needed to write this post!

I’m not going to try and pretend that I’ve found all of the answers, this simply helped me just get a better understanding of my own situation and my own thoughts.
Enough understanding like I said, so that I now truly feel like I can start to move forward because I’ve just been stuck…

I watched Coach Kat on YouTube; 10 ways to break a trauma bond.
(Climb out of trauma with Coach Kat)
Essentially all she has done is put a lot of different information sources and articles together in one place, but the way in which she describes the scenarios, it really resonated with me, almost like a check list! But it really gave me clarity to finally see what I just couldn’t see.
Coach Kat also touched upon something called “narcissistic injury”.
Again I won’t pretend to know everything about this, I’ve barely scratched the surface, however again, what I’ve read on it so far, made complete sense as to why I had been “discarded” by my ex.
And I’m now going through all of this with my counsellor.

I know that we all find our own ways of coping and finding our feet in moving forward and I just wanted to share mine because the support that I received from this forum was invaluable and I just wanted to give a little something back. 💜💕💜

[KIP.]

Hey, Melanie Tonia Evans I found to be really helpful too. Just remember abuse is a choice abusers make, it’s not because they’re narcissists. Its intimate partner terrorism. Yes many have narcissistic traits but don’t give an abuser an excuse. There is none, they simply choose to abuse and that’s how they make themselves feel good. It took me a long time to get to where I’m at. Brene Brown has some good YouTube videos. Keep an open mind and like you the police took things out of my hands, of which I will always be truly grateful and once day you will be too x I was just too traumatised to do anything. Power to you and you can learn so much on your journey to recovery. Come back stronger, more informed, wiser and experienced x good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Belle250]

Hi KIP, oh I couldn’t agree more. My apologies if my post came across as though I was trying to make an excuse, that really wasn’t the case, it was simply about my own understanding 🙈
I will certainly take a look at Melanie Tonia Evans, I know there’s still so much recovery to be made and still so much to learn.
Thank you and take good care xx

[Bananaboat]

Just wanted to say thank you. I was feeling particularly low this morning, say crying alone but decided to watch Coach Kat, which I think linked to the other lady suggested here, then I watched some Dr Ramani and just an hour later I felt a bit stronger & wiser, less blue. So thank you for suggesting

[Belle250]

@Bananaboat – love the name!

I’m so glad it helped a little, this forum has been such a comfort especially when I’ve had my really bad days.
There’s another amazing post where women have listed the positive things they say to themselves which is beautiful.
You will have good and bad days but just know that you’re not alone in this xx

[Bananaboat]

Thank you, it was just two toys on a table when I joined and panic made a name lol 😆 yes I think I saw that thread which also helped yesterday. The ups and downs are tough aren’t they but this forum is a real godsend

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