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I’ve finally come to terms with the abuse in my relationship. I’ve wrestled for (removed by moderator) months with the idea and honestly, if it weren’t for legal factors I probably would’ve been gone a year ago. Now I’m reaching out for legal support that I need to leave. I’m still so scared of all the unknowns. We might be able to stay in our home
But it’s not guaranteed. I want desperately to stay in this village at the very least bc im not a citizen and this is the only place I have support. I’m scared my kids will hate me. I’m scared they will be so angry with me for leaving their dad and I know he will fill their heads with all sorts of your mom doesn’t love me and he will blame me for everything. Or he will be emotionally manipulating them like he does me. It’s already started which is why I’m finally leaving. I can take a lot, but when my kids start being dragged into it I have to do something.I’m just so unhappy. Anything has to be better than this. Than the constant interrogation. The guilt trips. The demands. The insults. I’ve spent my whole life being told how to be something for someone else. I just want to be me and for it to be ok
This is just rambling at this point but I don’t think the sadness has hit yet. I’m all action. I’ll need letters of support from friends which is uncomfortable but necessary. I have to gather so many documents. Idk why I put it off for so long but no more. I just hope he’s not awful. He’s really unpredictable when he’s angry so once everything is filed, that’s going to be a bit of a scary situation but I’m trying to make a plan.
It does get easier right ? I’m just hoping to separate myself from how their dad parents. I wanted so badly to protect them but I realise I can’t. They’ll have to manage him. And I will have to create a safe space. I never wanted this. I never wanted two homes for my kids or single motherhood. I just wanted to be happy. Why is that so much to ask. Ugh.
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Hi Selflove3,
Sounds like you have come a long way and have made some very difficult and important decisions. Understandably you are feeling overwhelmed by all that it entails, but you are ultimately doing what is best for you and your children.
Sounds like you are taking a lot to consideration and making plans, but if you haven’t already, it could be useful talking things through with your local domestic abuse service. They often have links to good legal support and advice, if you need it. They also can help you create a safety plan for leaving, considering your concerns with your ex’s unpredictable behaviour, etc. You can also read about safety planning here.
Hopefully other women will come forward soon with advice and assurance as many will know very well what you are going through. Do keep posting to let us know how you are managing it all.
Take good care,
Lisa
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It does get easier. Take each day as it comes. when I first left I found everything too much to think about all at once.
I had to take each day as it came and dealt with each issue that arose in the same way.
It’s hard but worthwhile.thinking of you -
I’m also not a citizen, but am settled and navigating some of these processes feels doubly daunting as a result.
As I said in an earlier response today, break all the big jobs down into little ones.
It’ll help get your head around all of it.
Also, smaller jobs are less noticeable to your abuser. (I’m not a fan of ‘cloak and dagger’ stuff, but needs must.)
Regarding the children, of course he’ll fill their heads with all sorts of ideas, try to bring them on his side, etc. Deep down, he’s extremely insecure. Else-wise, he wouldn’t have to resort to abuse in order to retain any sense of control over his life. And so, he’ll be relying on children for his support.
My ex started doing the same. He still tries to love bomb them and influence them. However, my children have grown clever and have started seeing through his schemes.
All I’ve done is provide my children with love, stability, understanding, and support as steadfastly as I’ve ever done.
On their own, my children noticed how their dad is suddenly much more interested in them, and then they’ve witnessed how and when they won’t hear from him for days into weeks. So my ex’s grasp and influence on them has decreased. He’s not been that steady, constant force in their lives.
It wasn’t that way at first, and I was scared that he’d ultimately ‘win’ them over. However, I remained steady and authentic to the children. They quickly picked up on that. Now, one child wants very little to do with their dad and is quite disgusted with him. The other child is still split on the issue, and that’s okay… that child has an abusive adult manipulating them.
And I just work to that.
There’s no way of saying that it gets ‘easier’… ‘easier’ to you is different from ‘easier’ to me. Manageable? Yes, it becomes much more manageable after the first few steps after realisation and putting together an action plan, etc.
Give yourself some grace and self-love. Break down all of the big jobs into smaller ones. You can do this xX.
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