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It’s been a horrific journey, from an abusive marriage to his post- separation abuse, threats, cruelty, lies, Cafcass, money worries, his attempt to topple me and de-house me and the children, etc…
The pain, stress, panic and trauma can’t be described. No word is strong enough.
When I met him, I was shy and lacking in confidence on a personal level, but I was always active in a work and social sense- I had jobs which were pretty challenging and sometimes hair-raising. I thrived on doing my bit, and trying to make the world a better place.
Bit by bit, he cut me down. He wanted me to exist just for him. But he wanted me to exist for him not so he could care for me, but so I could care for him, and do he could enjoy abusing me and projecting his ugly interior onto me.
He did it in a complex and stealthy the way most of the time, wrapping it up in persuasive language, so I didn’t realise it was happening. But sometimes, the ugliness showed itself clearly.
Bit by bit my peace, my enjoyment, my trust in the every day disappeared. I was a robot, carrying on doing the things I should do and wanted to do as a mother and what was expected of a wife, but I was becoming overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, like a deer in headlights.
When he left cruelly one day to frighten me, I had a proper meltdown. He was so unkind in how he executed his exit, that I felt worthless, terrified, and actually for nearly two years, it’s not that I didn’t feel as good as other people, it’s that I actually didn’t feel human, because I had been treated so badly.
Because I have so much and it was now gone, I felt like my whole life had been whipped away. Everything I had struggled for, gone. My children and I had been left traumatic messes.
It’s been a long, hard journey. I have had to ‘fake it to make it’ especially with the children, and especially after the poor poppets had to see me in such a bad way. It’s been an existence, not a life.
But I think I have finally started living, not just existing / surviving. I have started to do the things I have wanted to do and that he would never allow- like painting the manky spare room, moving my son into a lovely new room, going to bed early when I want, just enjoying being in my locality and not having to go on distant huge hikes every weekend just to be forced to witness his physical superiority and be reminded of my own lack of fitness in comparison!
I can go for my morning runs, I can eat a peaceful and healthy breakfast, I can sell things I don’t need anymore and buy the things we need in their place, I feel strong and unhurried enough to look up healthy recipes and take time to get the ingredients as fresh and as economically as I can. I am doing things to help my kids achieve and be happy.
I bought a new cat as two fingers up to him taking the dog, I painted the garage door a beautiful new colour, I have earned a bit of extra this month using one of the talents I forgot I had, and for a long time never believed I had.
I now that there will be triggers along the way, but I really feel that I am experiencing a strength and peace that I haven’t been able to experience so far along this journey. It’s like the old me has popped up to say hello!
X*x
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Well done on getting to were you want to be – i wish I could be like you – have my life sorted and be happy with where I’m at.
Im not LIVING yet, I’m treading water – just about surviving – but not really moving on with my life.
I wish I had a group of friends who went out and had a bit of a social life – but my friends all have partners and younger children and they are not wanting to go out.
I am ‘content’ with my life – but i still feel I’m not living.
Im just not very proactive – and I just don’t have any get-up-and-go…… I need to have some PMA and just get things done – I feel like Im just keeping my head above the water – its like I know what I need to do to make things better – but I just can’t do it alone – I need help, support and encouragement, in order for me to break free and climb out of this rut I’m in.
I don’t do any exercise, its 10years since I did any exercise, and when we lost our dog 4 years ago I stopped even going out for walks – I’m so unfit now and put on weight, – its like everything in my life it’s too big a mountain to climb – and I don’t know where to start.
It’s the same with my bedroom – its the ‘dumping ground’ for the house – anything that ‘doesn’t have a home’ gets dumped in my room – plus theres clothes of mine here I haven’t worn in years – and most likely never will wear again (but I just can’t part with it and I have the smallest room in the house with a very small wardrobe, and very little storage) – plus there’s boxes and bags full of paperwork, and I don’t know what to do with it all – again its become such a ‘task’ now I don’t know where to start – its become too much that I just can’t face it…..I just ignore it all now, never see it and just walk past it.
I could do with one of those OCD Cleaners in my bedroom!!!!! 😉
I’m happier in my life now – but I feel I still have a lot further to ‘travel’ to get to where I want to be – and get to WHO I want to be……
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Your post is so inspiring Serenity! I am happy for you! Hopefully in a few years all your suffering will just be a faint memory.
I keep telling myself that life is wonderful, even when I do not feel like that. There is progress, I progress in little steps. This year I reach a stage, when many occurrences have happened a year ago and longer. When I look back, actually much has changed to the better, although I still have a long way to go. xx -
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Thanks all.
I am sure I will have my moments when he ups his abuse, but I do feel I have jumped a hurdle.
I couldn’t have got this far without asking for all kinds of help and advice, from many different sources, so I advise all to keep telling and letting it out- to the right people.
M.U.M – I got so much support from talking to other women who had experienced the same. I think this is where my healing was centred, and I hope you can access such support.
I know that for over a year, I left paperwork untouched and my home was a mess- I couldn’t face anything. I did a massive clear up of my papers about two weeks ago and that really helped me to feel focused. I put all the depressing past court papers in a file where I didn’t have to look at them.
I think connecting with kind people is key. I hope you can do this- and also have plenty of me time and time at home safe and recuperating, as I think all survivors also need this x
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