Finally out…but it's far from over

[Missnobody]

So I left. I left and it was horrible and hard and traumatic but I did it. So why did I think that would be it? I’d leave and finally be free? Silly me. This is just as bad but now his family are helping him treat me badly. Oh and he’s the victim, of course. I’ve broken his heart. I never loved him, etc etc. So here I am again doubting myself. Have I made the right decision? For the right reasons? Is he right in some ways? Was I distant and “hard faced”? Maybe we were as bad as each other. This feeling made worse by the fact that some of what has happened over the years seems a bit hazy, like I can’t quite remember it or remember it clearly…so what if it didn’t happen like that? I don’t trust my own judgement anymore. I also miss him, I miss him so much – WHY?!

[Tiffany]

I guarantee that you were not as bad as him. And that any distance or coldness towards him was a result of the abuse, not your natural character. These anxieties are normal when you escape. You have been ground down for so long it is hard to trust in yourself, even away from his direct influence. I was worried that I was incapable of love when I left as the abuse had been going on so long I had developed a sort of hard shield round my heart and I didn’t trust anyone. It has faded since I left though, and a couple of years on I am confident that I can love after all.

I found it really helpful to start getting down on paper things that had happened in lists which reminded me that he was really that bad. In the interests of fairness I also wrote down what I did the few times I retaliated. I really was nothing like as bad as he was! I also found talking it through – both with friends and women’s aid helped me re-learn what normalcy actually looked like, and that the things I had gone through were not normal.

You may also find it necessary to block his family if they are continuing the abuse. Interestingly it was my family who fell for my ex’s sob story about his broken heart, not his own family. They knew what he was like and told him it served him right. But my family were quite sympathetic to him and my recovery was hindered by them updating me on how he was doing, until I told them point blank that he had been abusive and that it was hindering my recovery to hear about him. Eventually all contact with my family stopped, and that made things easier too.

Try to remind yourself that what you miss is what feels normal to you, not so much the person. It’s a chemical reaction in your brain, and you can overcome it. Try and treat yourself to small nicenesses if you can – food you like, or a peaceful shower or some flowers, it arranging your room how you like. These small acts can help anchor you and remind you your new life is going to be good.

Well done and stay strong.

[Anonymous]

I totally get the confusion. It seems like the tricks they used to hurt us still remain in place somehow.

If you can, try to hold onto some small part of why you left. Not something that it hurts to remember.

Is there any way that you can stop contact with his family?

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Missnobody,

What great news, thats amazing ! I know how hard it is to leave after so long. Keep strong and don’t listen to them, you know what happened. Can you ring WA for extra support ?
It takes time for your mind to clear and heal after all the years of abuse. Try and do nice simple things for yourself. Breaking the trauma bonds is hard to, thats why you miss him so much it hurts, but you can do it. Its all step by step, day by day.
Remember you absolutely did the right thing to leave. We all deserve to live free of controlling behaviour and physical abuse. To have a nice peaceful home to come home to.

All the best and keep posting.

Apricotpoppy xx

[Missnobody]

Thanks everyone. I had a terrible night’s sleep full of weird dreams and have an upset stomach this morning – I hate that he’s still having this effect on me. I know I did the right thing and keep reminding myself of that, it’s just now and again the seeds if doubt creep in which I guess is normal.
I didn’t know I could contact WA now I’m out of the relationship? I suppose I thought they just helped you to leave? x

[KIP.]

This is the most dangerous time for you and women’s aid will help you with a safety plan. Housing if you need it and support. The freedom programme is also available. They can talk you through the dynamics of an abuser too. Help you get things straight in your mind. Come off social media all together for a while. Get a cheap mobile phone only to discuss access to the kids by txt. Get some free legal advice about your rights to the home and your legal rights. Many of these men simply return to the home. Meaning the women and kids. Have to leave so get an occupation order quickly preventing his return. Never. Underestimate these men. Block anyone who isn’t on your side.

[Iwantmeback]

Absolutely contact WA my love, we need their support more than ever once we get out. I’ve got my own support worker now, she’s lovely, but I’m still unsure. That’s just because of years of thinking why would anyone want to be nice to me what’s in it for them? But those are his words, people do genuinely care, we should know, we are those people.
IWMB 💞💞

[iamme]

Missnobody,

If you’re anything like me, you probably don’t want to bother anybody. You probably think you’re out and safe so you should be ok. Please call someone when you are down, even if it’s just the samaritans. Just talking to another human being will make you realise you’re not nobody. You’ve had a pretty hard time of it and it’s ok to not be ok. x

[Iwantmeback]

I keep forgetting about the Samaratins , that’s good advice @iamme.
💞💞 IWMB

[maddog]

Well done for getting out Missnobody. He is projecting his own behaviour onto you. Abusers do this. It is completely understandable that you want to shrink away. Please keep reaching out through this hellish bumpy road. There are so many people who will hold your back and stop you falling off the edge.

I don’t miss my ex one bit. I can only remember the dark shadows and the red flags he was waving right from the very beginning. This is now. I didn’t leave him for years. I thought I’d made my bed and had to lie in it.

[Author]

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