Finally reaching out, need some support

[Sad and alone]

I have been with my husband for over half my life. I think I am suffering domestic abuse. I have no friends, and don’t want to tell family as I don’t want them to not like him. Is that crazy?

I got married very young. I followed his lead with everything. I liked to be looked after. I had the same job for years. Sometimes I wanted to change job but he said it was better I stay where I was.

We have no children. We both wanted them. I wanted a big family, I wasn’t a career person. Tried medical stuff which didn’t work and he didn’t like the intrusive process of adoption so didn’t do that.

After my parents died we moved away. He had worked very hard and we live in a lovely place with land and have a lifestyle a lot of people dream of. We have animals. I don’t work. I wanted to get a small job when I moved to meet people but he says no point me working for peanuts when I am responsible for things at home.

We had problems before we moved but thought maybe it’s stress from work and things would get better when more relaxed and doing things together. It’s gone the opposite.

He has the attitude that he is right 99% of the time. If I disagree with something it can quickly escalate and he says I am fighting him. He calls me mental, a w****o. We have awful arguments where I feel I am trying to stick up for myself and he is shouting at me about how I am a moron and useless, I have no get up and go, and it’s just the way I am and how I’ve always been for the whole time we’ve been together. He says I like arguing as I start everything but it often starts with him criticising me and me asking him not to. There are some outside pressures that we have to deal with but instead of sticking together he gets angry at me about them.

Since we’ve moved he has wrapped his hands round my throat, smashed a door which hit me in the face, kicked me, went to headbutt me, pushed me over, grabbed me and swung me around. He’s thrown things, sometimes at me. I’ve had bruises and taken photos which I then delete because I feel sad when I look at them and guilty for taking them. We’ve had more arguments than I can count. He says I drive him to do things. Sometimes he apologises, when he sees bruises. Other times he thinks his behaviour is justified because I’ve pushed him to do it.

I feel he doesn’t care about me. He says he does as we live in this great place and he does everything for me. To be fair he works hard and does do a lot. I don’t want for anything. But equally I don’t ask a lot. He hasn’t given me a birthday or Christmas present in years as he said he thinks he spoilt me too much before and that’s why I am the way I am. Whatever that is.

Sometimes he tells me to get out. Sometimes I want to go and he won’t let me. Once after he’d been physical I drove all the way back to where we lived before and stayed with a family member (not disclosing why I’d turned up, I played it down and just said we’d argued) but he called and somehow I ended up feeling guilty for doing it. I’ve packed a bag since but he says I can’t take the car as he needs it. He says he doesn’t want me to go but sometimes I think it’s just that he doesn’t want to be left. He says I will lose everything if we split up and I won’t realise how good I’ve got things until it’s gone. He is always saying I have to change. How I am not a good person and I need to try harder. He holds other women up as an example against me. I have asked him not to put me down all the time but he says he’s only telling the truth.

We don’t have a physical relationship. He has said he doesn’t think I am attracted to him. For years he has said he doesn’t make an effort because I rejected him so much which I feel is untrue. I have told him all these things that happen between us, the things he says to me, have an effect on how I see him. Someone criticising you all the time is not attractive. He always makes it about physical appearance but it’s really not. It’s knowing how someone truly thinks of you.

So this is abuse isn’t it? I think because it’s not always a daily event it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes we seem to get on but his mood can change so fast. Sometimes I will trigger it without even knowing what I’ve said or done. It’s exhausting. I tell myself to watch what I say but then things will feel okay and I’ll forget. I said to him about going for counselling but he says no as they will tell us to split up.

I don’t know what to do. My heart breaks at the thought of losing my entire life, especially my animals who give me my happiness. I have everything I didn’t even know I wanted, except for respect and a loving relationship. There are so many other things that have happened. I think sometimes just put up with it and enjoy what you can but I am regularly crying and feeling depressed and I can’t spend the rest of my only life feeling that way. I told him he upsets me and makes me cry but he gets angry about it saying he has given me everything what more do I want from him.

Recently we had an argument and he was making a hot drink whilst shouting and inside I was imagining him throwing the drink at me. I shouldn’t have to worry the person who’s meant to love me is going to do that should I? He then kicked a table over and said he thinks I’m trying to make him murder me, or that I want him to murder me. It’s so ridiculous as I read what I’m writing. If someone I knew told me this was happening to them I would be telling them leave right now. It’s hard. I just want a normal happy life.

I’m sorry for the long post. I just don’t know what to do. I am hoping that I find some support or answers here that can help me.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi sad and alone,

You are not alone, I have walked in your shoes and it is heartbreaking to read your post, I am so sorry your husband is doing this to you.

My husband of decades, high earner, provided X, Y and Z… I had no choice but to stop my career and raise our children. So much control, abuse, some physical… I took the leap of leaving (it was terrifying as we had worked out our retirement plans etc for our future and I had the security of a home and money (although money was conditional).
I got to a place where all I could see was his abusive tactics…even when he was being ‘nice’ I could sense it wasn’t real.

If you haven’t read it already the book, Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is really helpful. Read up on Domestic Abuse, keep a journal of what he is doing to you if you can, including silent treatment, violent threats, when you feel you have to walk on eggshells for fear of his reactions…all of it … it can really help you if self doubt starts to.creep in (it did with me, it took me 3 attempts to separate).

Trust your instincts, your husband sounds very unpredictable and dangerous.

Also, when I started to trust my own instincts and started to see what an abusive bully my husband is… he sensed the change in me and changed tactics… this is common so I wanted to make you aware x

In my experience these men do not accept responsibility for their actions, they blame everything and everyone (usually their partner gets the blame) for their moods and they do not change.

Keep posting ❤️ HFH

[Sad and alone]

Thanks HFH.

This whole situation brings about so many emotions. Like when you say he sounds unpredictable and dangerous I immediately thought no he’s not! Like I want to protect him which makes no sense as what you are saying is true. When I think about going I worry about how he will cope with the responsibilities I’d be leaving behind (even though he tells me pretty much the only thing I do around the place is cook dinner) And whether he will be okay by himself. But I can’t trust him not to hurt me and that makes me very sad. Yet when things are calm it seems all the bad stuff becomes not so important. And then in an instant something will trigger him off and I think how was I duped into feeling things were halfway normal?! This has happened today and I’ve just left to do an errand to get away.

When we argue it used to end with us both saying we would try harder with each other and start over and make more of an effort with say, being more physical (just any physical contact really). He says he tries at everything and doesn’t like giving up. But recently it just seems to peter out and I often apologise and tell him he’s right just to shut the arguing down.

Sometimes I wonder if he consciously knows what he’s doing and is just not a nice person or whether he seriously thinks there’s nothing wrong with the way he is towards me. I say to him do you think so and so speaks to their wife that way? And he’ll say their wife does x, y, and z and therefore wouldn’t need to be spoken to that way.

There are so many things I think I should write down and I did think about keeping a diary. I used to do that when I was a teenager and actually re-read my whole teenage years back recently in the hopes of reminding myself who I was (although that was many years ago and I’ve obviously grown up a bit now but you get the idea). Because I don’t want to be this unhappy person, I want to get myself back. I think about my Mum and Dad looking down on me and how they would be so angry about what was happening.

I will see what I can find online as well. I can’t get the book as he will open the mail and see it (not a controlling behaviour, we’ve opened each other’s mail for years).

Anyhow. I better go back home and face the music. Thanks again for your reply.

[Dino]

Hi Sad and alone,

I hope you are ok & have found this site helpful, I have since I found it in January, like you I kept saying its just normal married life ups & downs, but its not it abuse, how do they ger away with treating us like this & we feel sorry for them, I keep thinking I need to leave but worry too how he would cope, its astonishing that they can treat us so badly, and we still feel responsible for them, their behaviour etc.

I have thought about leaving & then feel I can’t as need to see if we can work on the relationship, I agreed after much pleading & promises to change to go to couples counselling, I had read comments on this site that advised against it, but convinced myself that he was as bad as some of the abusers I had read about on this site, he was/is, after a few sessions at counselling me feeling he is charming our councillor & they seem tobe ganging up on me, then one session he lost it in front of the councilor & decided he wasnt diing it anymore, we know whats wrong now & can fix it & too expensive?
I thought lets see if we have learned anything, few weeks later we were having an argument as he was ignoring my opinions & treating me as if I have no opinion or obe not worth him listening too, as ‘normal’, I got very angry with him & it escalated, I was pushed hard into (detail removed by Moderator) & broke my ribs, I’m making plans to leave, they wont change, the dont want too.

Stay safe & know you are not what he calls you, you are an amazing woman & deserve so much better, keep reading the posts on this site its given me strength & hope to see a future without him, also try to read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. You can read it online so he cant see it, you can download it, it is a true eye opener, makes the fog clear away & see them for who they truly are.

Stay safe & keep posting to let us know your ok ❤️ Dino

[Author]

Posts