Finally spoken out

[Whatislove]

Hiya everyone,
I’ve posted before, but recap- married, victim of emotional abuse for many years, husband has had affairs & tortured me with them, physical abuse- last instance has finally opened my eyes to reality, have left & been sucked back in almost the average amount of times that woman go back before they leave for good, have children, have been lying to my family & friends for past year about being back with him. (Being non specific here in light of the forum.)

So a few days ago I was so emotionally exhausted & traumatised that I finally told my parents the truth. I literally went to their house and broke down & told my mum “mummy I need you” like a little kid. They were appalled at what Iv been through & wanted to go straight to mine to kick him out. They didn’t though. Iv called the Donestic Violence helpline who want to assign me a support worker. They said im high risk in this. But no one can tell me how to get him to leave (house is in my name). My parents let me come back under the guise they know nothing & since then they’ve been suppprtive but haven’t helped me action anything. I’m too scared to tell him to go & no moment seems safe enough as he could kick off & im here alone with my children. I don’t really know what to do. He knows he’s traumatised me since last time & Iv had hours & hours each evening of him either dramatically telling me it’s my fault, swearing at me, telling me I’m holding things against him & not working on things, begging me to put it in the past & move on with him, that it’ll never happen again. Literally hours of this where I can’t react because I’m scared to say how I feel so I just sit there, emotionally wrung out just looking at him, tears pouring down my face (I have to look him in they eye or apparently I’m not listening) & all I want to do is have a cup of tea & read & relax. But instead I’m emotionally beaten up – that’s how it feels. I start to feel guilty because he’s right- I’m not trying. If I try to explain why then I’m pathetic & im overreacting & I never just let things go.
I need a plan to get him to leave. Police are a last resort so any advice on what to do that could be a first or second resort I’d be very grateful for. X

[KIP.]

He’s going nowhere and yes you’re extremely traumatised or the police would be your first resort. You could simply change the locks when he’s out and dump his belongings with a friend or relative. Text him that if he returns you will ring the police. You could stay with your parents for a couple of days after this but even if you manage to get him out he’s not going to leave you alone so you need protection in the form of a police marker on your home. I think if your parents have a word with him it might be helpful so you don’t have to deal with him however this is the most dangerous time when we end a relationship so my advice would be to hope for the best but expect the worse and get the police involved. I was terrified of involving the police but they were fantastic. Took it out my hands, I was just frozen with fear and would have sat there and let him kill me otherwise. Trauma shuts down the rational part of our brain so our decision making leaves us vulnerable x

[diymum@1]

You could apply for an occupation order? Through dv assist xx

[Lisa]

Hi Whatislove,

I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’re going through, but well done for reaching out for support. That’s great that your parents are being supportive.

It sounds as though his behaviour really scares you and as Kip is right; the police can help you by removing him from the property and taking his keys away from him. They can put a marker on your property to make you a priority in case you need to call them again.

When you spoke to the Helpline was that a local service? Hopefully your key worker can give you some advocacy/ support with the police. They may also be able to help you get the locks changed.

If he’s got any marital rights to the home you could look into an Occupation Order; an injunction which would remove him from the property. You could also look into a Non-Molestation Order, which is an injunction which would state that he can’t contact you or come to the house (when he’s gone). For advice around this, like diymum has said you could speak to DV Assist– they’re 24 hours.

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

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