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Was with my boyfriend for (detail removed by moderator) but we were very good friends before the realtionship started. I’ve been unhappy for a while infact most of the realtionship. I know a lot of what he did to me counts as abuse but my kind heart feels a little sorry for him as he clearly can’t be happy but need to look after myself aswell. I just feel a little conflicted as I feel like maybe I’m exaggerating a bit and it’s not as bad as I’m making out. Just want an opinion really of wether I’m overreacting as I finally took the plunge to leave we are still in contact because of certain things that need sorting like finances etc. Here are some of the things I’ve endured but not all to give u a better picture……He is extremely paranoid, he was always accusing me of cheating. I would be on the phone to him and he’d say he could hear men in the background, if I got a scratch or a bruise he would get suspicious that they were caused by sex with someone else, there was an occasion that my back door was left unlocked and ended up swinging open through the night due to bad winds when he got up for work he noticed it open then gave me the silent treatment (detail removed by moderator), with held any kind of affection and just said nothing was wrong he finally admitted that he thought I’d had someone in the house while he was asleep. On many occasions when I’ve wanted to go on a night out with friends he’s gone in moods on one occasion he even told me the realtionship was over because he dosent have enough trust for a woman who goes on nights out, if I put on makeup while he was at work or nice clothes he’d ask things like who are u wearing that for, if I didn’t answer the phone straightaway he’d get funny with me about it, during phone calls he’d say he’d ring me back wouldn’t then moan and say I should have phoned him back, if any male friend commented on anything on my Facebook he’d have something to say, I also wasn’t allowed to have (detail removed by moderator). He told me to delete it or we’d be over.
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It’s certainly very controlling and paranoid behaviour. It’s likely over time to erode your confidence and self esteem. And if that’s how he is acting after a year can you imagine how bad he would be after 10?
I’d say there are plenty of red flags and it’s a relationship that is going to lead to you feeling very suffocated and unhappy.
I can’t comment on his motivation – is it to control you and will he escalate and get more controlling in other aspects – likely. It is he deeply scarred due to some terrible treatment by someone from his past. (But he doesn’t appear to be able to reflect and apologise and he seems to think his behaviour is ok – red flag!)
Either way – get out!!!! Would you treat him this way?
Find someone who will respect you and trust you and be grateful you are not wasting further years in this controlling and negative relationship is my view x
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Hi headspinning. Thank you for your reply, I have also thought this that he’s doing it to destroy my self esteem and confidence. This behaviour started a few weeks into the realtionship. I certainly wouldn’t treat him this way but I’ve found myself calling him out on doing things that he wouldn’t allow me to do as I don’t think it’s fair for him to do things he would have a problem with and that’s obviously no good and certainly not healthy. There are already other ways hes controlling aswell. He also has hardly any friends or family due to his behaviour and is very selfish. I know deep down I’ve done the right thing and a massive part of me is glad I’ve finally gained the strength to leave. He would regularly break up with me for a few days for the most silliest of things. I’ve lost count of the amount of times he did that to me. I’m just going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. 1 minute I’m super relieved and looking forward to the future the next I’m missing him badly and just want to see him. It dosent help that we were such good friends before we got together. It’s like a double hit of losing a friend and a boyfriend in one. I also feel so upset that it’s all turned out like this. I’ve already had an awful lot of trauma in my life ever since childhood and I just feel like this is another scar to add to my collection.
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I’d say keep reminding yourself if the reasons you left and be glad you saw the light. I’m sure it won’t all have been bad, but the bad stuff would have grown.
I started off sticking up for myself too – when he was controlling I’d put him in his place, when he was verbally abusive I’d shout right back. But in doing so I gave up a part of myself – I became someone in those moments I didn’t like. I spent huge chunks of time over thinking things, feeling frustrated, sometimes changing my behaviour for an easy life, concealing plans I had made to spend time with friends so as it to spark him off. Eventually everything became my fault.
I stayed a lot longer than you, I never truly gave in to his controlling ways, but it drained me and eroded confidence and it’s going to take me a while to rebuild myself back up.
It’s interesting that you had previous trauma and as a friend he would probably know that. These guys smell vulnerability a mile off. I was at a vulnerable time when I met mine and I was often made to feel guilty about the “huge sacrifices he made” in helping me at that time which also made me stay a lot longer that I may otherwise have done,
From what you say I think you have done the right thing. Who wants to be ignored, controlled, mistrusted?
He has no friends for a reason!!
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Gosh that sounds very familiar, jealousy is a terrible thing and you constantly end up defending and questioning yourself when you know you have done nothing wrong. But trying to prove your innocence is pointless and no matter what you say they don’t believe you.
Get out as soon as you can , he will never change, he sees you as his property. I know right now is not ideal but start making plans.
Much love sent your way❤️ -
Scapegoat thank you so much for your reply yes Uve hit the nail on the head with the property thing I was thinking this myself. He doesn’t care about me as a person or my feelings. He wanted me for a long time but I was never interested in that way he wasn’t my type at all then we became good friends and after a good while been friends my feelings for him changed and I decided to give him a chance and I remember him been so pleased he’d finally got what he wanted so guess I’ve kinda been like a trophy to him.
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