Financial abuse?

[Beepbop]

My ex and I have a young child. He has visitation rights. Due to covid I have to sheild as I’m high risk. Because of this I can’t use public transport to facilitate pick ups when my child has had time with him.
He wasn’t happy about this and said I should give him money to cover petrol costs. I agreed that I would do that and transfer it to his bank.
He then took it upon himself to tell me I didn’t need to do that and he would reduce my CSA payments to reflect the cost.
He then decided that it was OK for him to add the cost of what a train ticket for our child would be if we got the train as per our initial agreement. He felt adding this to the cost was justifiable.
I contacted CSA and they told me they cannot change our agreement to them getting it direct off him as they don’t have the capacity right now with all this going on with covid.
I haven’t responded to him or reacted because I don’t have the energy and he’s way too controlling.
I just don’t know whether you would class this as financial abuse? Especially when I agreed to pay half of his petrol costs but he’s took control of it all, and right now I don’t know what else I can do.

[Lisa]

Hi Beepbop

I just wanted to show you some support. Yes this does sound like your ex partner is financially abusing you and he is still being controlling. Very often abusive men use the issue of child contact as a means of continuing abusive behaviour long after the relationship has ended. You don’t have to agree to anything you are not comfortable with, as he may just keep changing things and taking more and more money from you.

You could get some legal advice about this, the Coram Children’s Legal Centre which is a unique, independent national charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480, 8am – 6pm, Mon – Fri. The Children’s Legal Centre has a website at http://childlawadvice.org.uk/ .

You can also find some information on the Rights of Women website about child contact arrangements and coronavirus https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/coronavirus-and-child-contact-arrangements/

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Lisa

[Beepbop]

Hi Lisa
Thanks for the feedback and links for support in really appreciate it.
I used to be agreeing to every demand he has because I was scared of what he’d do if I would say no.
I’ve had therapy a few times and slowly learning yo stand up for myself but its a long process. I just feel stuck.
Not responding is the only thing I can do right now, to avoid any emotional conflict and getting upset because I know that’s what he enjoys. That’s where his power lies and if he knows he’s getting to me, he knows he can still control me.

[Lisa]

Hi Beepbop

No problem, I hope it is useful.

It’s good that you are standing up for yourself. Not responding does sound like the best thing to do as you can’t reason with him. If he starts to send you abusive or threatening text messages, keep hold of these as evidence and you can log this with the police so it’s on record.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

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