Financial abuse, have you experienced this

[Chocolatebunnie]

We had tax credits, he left so we would have to claim universal credit

I have savings which are my child’s complicated but they don’t have a bank account yet.

This takes us out of the universal credit eligibility.

Then husband had savings, same applies.

I do not know the amount he has saved. I know he has spent a lot on himself recently whereas the kids and I need things.

I have to ask if I run out of money, (detail removed by moderator)

I don’t know his earnings, I don’t have access to his money or savings. I realise this should be joint income as we are a family.

Any advice appreciated and if this is not allowed I am sorry. I’m interested to know what a health relationship would look like regarding finances.

I just feel like I can’t talk to him without it being uncomfortable and so I stay quiet, but I’m not sure if I can live like this

[Camel]

It isn’t financial abuse to keep his own income and savings separate. If he earns more I’d expect him to pay a greater share of the bills. If he expects you to do the food shop or get the kids shoes, for example, out of your smaller share I’d say that was financially controlling. It’s also controlling if he treats himself when you can’t. (detail removed by Moderator) If he won’t help, buy what you and the kids need/want before you spend on household things.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi Camel

Thanks for your reply

I’ve always been ok with separate accounts.

The savings he made are because I was covering the bills. We agreed it would be a deposit for a mortgage.

I have not information regarding the account it’s held in, how much or obviously any access. Really I feel this should be in a joint savings account, he is very protective of this.

I have to ask if I run out of money, this is for necessities even dental treatment but he gobs me off often so I use my credit card.

He buys elaborate things designer, no questions asked no discussion and very expensive.

I guess I’m answering my own questions here, not really how a family man, married for decades should behave.

He also has money for alcohol and weed whenever he needs it. Whereas I was told to ask my parents for money when I needed medical treatment. He acts dumb, or says he has misunderstood when challenged

[Camel]

What’s yours is mine, what’s mine is my own…

Your options are limited. Increase your personal income? Sell stuff? Reduce your contribution to household expenses?

If he’s forcing you into debt, it’s financial abuse. Maybe you could have a chat with your bank or citizens advice?

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m trapped at the moment which he knows but working on something to help bring me some financial independence but my options are limited as you say

[Happybelle]

Im living it now. An utter nightmare. Im only now realising how tough my boundaries should have been and whilst I dont accept the abuse as my fault I do acknowledge my own failings here.
My partner moved in to my home quite quickly after we met but we were completely loved up. Ha !! I was love bombed.
Then the “can I borrows” started and at that time he repaid so I let it go. Then there was repairing the car so he could get to work etc.
After a period of time it was money for this and that that didnt get repaid. I ignored it – I now realise this was the point Id started feeling uncomfortable if I didnt give the money. Some was gambled away, some was spent on socialising. Now I look back and add it all up it is thousands of pounds. I feel a fool for supporting him being in and out of work and trying to give him hope that he can achieve anything he wants to etc. Of course nothing has changed and my good intentions have bitten me hard and as I have started pushing back, nasty nasty arguments are kicking in.
It will only stop if we are no longer together.

[browneyedmum]

Oh yes, let’s talk about financial abuse. It seems to be a topic no one really wants to talk about.

My husband has accounts separate from our joint account. It wasn’t until (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago that I got my own current account and that’s only because we’re breaking up.

Back in (detail removed by Moderator), my husband threatened suicide (again) due to debts he owes as a (detail removed by Moderator). He hadn’t been working since (detail removed by Moderator) due to decisions he made around the business. Clearly I thought it was serious that he was considering suicide (again) due to debt, but he wouldn’t tell me what actually triggered him.

Then (detail removed by Moderator) later, HMRC came knocking on our door. From that conversation, I got a number of how much my husband was in debt to HMRC, which also actually put our house at risk. But my husband wasn’t willing to talk about any details there and wasn’t willing to move our house into a trust or whatnot so that it would be shielded from any risk there.

Also again, my husband hasn’t been working for more than (detail removed by Moderator). He stopped work and he wasn’t willing to continue to work even though he knew that the wage I got wouldn’t support our family. He always wanted to retire early. I told him, I’m not ready for him to retire at age (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

However, as in many years past … I always found a way. Where my husband wasn’t willing to go on Universal Credits (because it would hurt his ego), I instead went just about doubled my income. However, that is still not enough for keeping our household going. My husband asked (detail removed by Moderator) for a cash gift, which she did (or actually I don’t know if she actually did… my husband has full control of her finances). At first, I thought I could make the cash gift stretch through (detail removed by Moderator). Now it’s October where I’ve made it stretch, due to my contributions there. I can’t make it stretch much further.

Meanwhile, I am super angry at my husband now because he made some promises to our daughter about how her birthday is meant to go. I don’t know that those promises can be fulfilled, but it’s not the first nor last time he’s promised something that he doesn’t follow through with.

This is on top of this (detail removed by Moderator) where he wants to buy a (detail removed by Moderator) for himself, (detail removed by Moderator) So have your own (detail removed by Moderator) and spend over (detail removed by Moderator) on having a nice new (detail removed by Moderator). And Then… suddenly the (detail removed by Moderator) is broken and needs repair. And Then… suddenly … all of the things that was going wrong on his (detail removed by Moderator) have now culminated, where in the past he’d pay for those things off of his parents’ account and now he’s trying to financially entrap me.

Mm.mm. Not doing it. Hopefully where I set up my own current account (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago, my paycheck goes into that. And then we negotiate how these things are meant to be paid out.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Sorry you are all going through difficult times too.

My husband gives me money once a week for food, it’s not enough but I manage.

He has it to give me, I have to ask several times sometimes many more times. And other times he just pays me early.

I’m asking again, I have asked many times today and he’s getting grouchy about it. We need food, it’s a day early but I’ve had to buy kids new uniforms and different things.

[Happybelle]

The more I read, the more the behaviours seem so common amongst everyone’s partners. I thought I would be quite alone with my partner but I can see I really am not!
I’m hoping I will have sorted my situation out by Christmas, but I’m already worried about the pressure that will be there to cover costs I cannot cover for children related responsibilities that are not mine. I have a really good career and prior to meeting thic guy, a really happy and fulfilled life which I am determined to get back. I will ahve to change my home to sort out the crippling debt and yet he is not disturbed by this prospect nor sorry. I think he does not believe I will be doing it and moving hundreds of miles away leaving him to sort himself out.
I now have a back-up (removed by moderator) job as well as my main job, working all day and defending why I wont give more money by night. Its so completely draining.

[Glasshalf]

I’ve experienced something similar, where I started by giving him money out of willingness to help. Expecting (at least some) to be paid back (i never have). It soon became uncomfortable but i was the earner in our family and then we had kids.
At his insistance, I’ve “loaned” an associate of his £x,000.
Only seen a tiny amount back. In total over nearly (removed by moderator) years, he’s had £xx,000 from me.
The major red flag came when he insisted i take a loan out for him (he has no credit rating) of £xx,000.
I hear you, it is draining. And he’s asking for more money now we’re splitting up – another £xx,000 to cover his “(removed by moderator)”.
It is tragic. I’m working on myself to understand how i could be taken advantage of for so long. The reasons always seemed credible to me (it never was for designer clothes, etc).
Not sure this is helpful but just to say i hear you. If i lose my job, I’ll be in a mess as i have substantial debt now!

[browneyedmum]

I hear you Glasshalf. He often needed money to support his business, through cash transfers off of my credit card.

There would be weeks when he wouldn’t pay himself and then he would need money to pay (removed by moderator). At least when doing it off of my credit card, I had 30 days to figure out how to pay my card back… which I always did, always in full.

Before I got the credit card, I had to borrow from my savings or from the kids’ savings when my savings got drained. He was always good about paying the kids back, but had no care for replenishing my savings.

I also though kept account of all of that, hoping there would be some windfall for my husband’s business where he would pay it back, but that never happened.

He accumulated £xx,000 ‘debt’ to the household. He would tell me (removed by moderator), but of course I didn’t get much choice in how it was spent. He was keen on making those choices whether I liked it or not.

After some time, I stopped agreeing to send him cash from MY credit card, not ‘our’ money, and because it was out of hand and he needed to find another way to pay his (removed by moderator) until he paid the household back. So it stopped and I still carried forward the ‘debt’ that he owed (removed by moderator) and simply gave up asking after that. It was hard to let that go because I wanted to use that money for a nice holiday or something as our household went without for years.

He’s still not working, again gets to have his ‘early retirement’ by simply not doing anything. Meanwhile, he goes out with his friends a few times per week and spends money out of the joint account so he can enjoy himself. He doesn’t think about the household bills because he’s never had to. He doesn’t think about the impact on the kids and what else they go without, because he’s never had to. He doesn’t see it was unfair to me, after all in his mind, he supported me while I was a SAHM (but that was something we agreed to, not this, and no not really… you didn’t support me then, benefits supported us and sometimes (removed by moderator))

[StrongLife]

I understand your comment of staying quiet because you felt uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s extremely difficult in these situations to say anything without copping more abuse.
Please be safe when around him.
You owe him nothing if you are seperating. Financial Abuse is common – even abuse to do even most common financially correct things.

[Happybelle]

It’s a total nightmare isn’t it. Amazing what people go through and still manage to just about hold it all together.

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s c**p! Read your replies, everyone has had their struggles. Thanks for sharing.

We are going through a spell where he’s unsure about work. So thinking if he was without we might need to claim benefits, I ask about savings. Savings we have as we agreed I would cover the bills he would save so we can get a mortgage, but that’s probably a fake future that won’t ever happen regardless of if I want it or not.

He asked me why several times avoiding the question. He doesn’t appear to trust me. Very defensive and not really what I expect from my husband. We have kids we’ve been married half my life.

[Author]

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