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I’ve suddenly woken up to years of what’s been go going on here. It doesn’t seem as bad as some of the other posts on here, but my husband controls all of our joint money and refuses point blank to let me see the accounts. Last time I told him I wanted to see them, he told me he was the one in control of them because I always mess everything up and don’t understand finances. Now when (detail removed by moderator)your job is in numbers, this is a bit hard to understand.
He does pay money into one account which I can access, but I always have to ask for it (which I hate) and he only pays in just enough for bills and children expenses.
I hate the way he always turns every discussion into being my fault. He’s often said derogatory things about me too. I’m at a loss at the moment as the kids dote on their dad, but I’m really questioning if I can go on like this?
I know this doesn’t sound much, but not really sure how to move on and get some financial security back again. -
Citizens asvice Bureau are trained in financial abuse but could you just open an account in your name and have your wages paid into that? A recent report by CAB said 82 percent of women who were being financially abused (which you are) were also reporting other forms of abuse. It’s a very powerful weapon of control in a relationship. Perhaps the most powerful after children. My ex went nuts and told me I had to pay half of all the bills even though he earned vastly more than me. He did this when I expressed how unhappy I was so just be prepared for outrageous behaviour. They will do anything to keep control of the finances. You should not have to ask for your own money.
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Thanks for replying. I do have my own account where my wages are paid in, but I work only a few hours a week so it’s really peanuts. My husband did ask for login details of my account too but I told him no, and thank heavens I did. It’s my only bit of security I have, even though the pittance I earn doesn’t go far.
Thanks for CAB advise, hadn’t thought of them. -
Huge warning signs.
My ex tried to make out from day one that he was the financial wiz.
He made me think that I was rubbish with money- when in fact I now realise that, left to my own devices, I’m not bad with money. It was just brainwashing. He wanted the control.
How I wish I had been able to see that this wasn’t health and that it was a huge red flag, that he was wrong not to treat me as an adult with choice, that a relationship should be built on honesty and transparency, not power games and secrecy.
As with your partner, my ex used to get angry if I began to talk about money. Suddenly, I was the offender. He’d start criticising me about other things, or steer the conversation away from money- I realise now, to divert attention from the fact he was stashing money away, keeping me at zero and denying his children the things they deserved. Plus, when I began to earn a bit more, he fend Dec some of my earnings- though I had never felt able to ask him for his, even when I was low on money.
I am angry at myself for being so blind. But he was very clever at making me feel the one in the wrong by daring to mention money, line I was ‘greedy’ for even showing a normal interest in the family’s finances.
Somehow, I managed to get my house in the divorce, but still had to pay him a large sum. He’s not paying any child support, and it’s a struggle.
Someone once said to me that my mistake was to think that he shared my values. I don’t like to lie, so I imagined he was the same. But abusers don’t have a conscience, and are capable of things that we are not. It is good that you are questioning this now. I round Gate you to go through years of theft and control, as I did.
Get advice from as many people as you can. The CAB is a good idea. Solicitors also offer half hour free sessions. x
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Thanks Serenity, hearing that I’m not alone with this is a great help to me.
All I want is an equal partnership where we make the big decisions together. I feel he doesn’t trust me, respect me or sees me as an equal. I’m more like an employee and he’s the boss. I’ve mentioned this to him, and no reply.
I’ve just got to plan wisely now so I’m not left with absolutely nothing. -
My ex was exactly the same about money. Lied continual about what his wage was, how much cash he had, what his debts were. He got furious with me for asking about anything to do with money – it was “bad manners”. He knew exactly what I earned down to the last penny. He consistently earned more than me, but I ended up giving him cash on a regular basis. I had lost several thousand to him by the time I left. Basically if you are with someone who isn’t willing to work in partnership with money I would be really worried about the rest of the relationship. My ex was also physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Yours might not be all these things. But if he doesn’t view you are an equal when it comes to money he probably won’t view you as an equal in other ways too. Unfortunately I don’t think there is any way to turn this relationship into one that does work. I tried everything with my abuser over the years. But he felt, for various reasons, entitled to act as he did and to take my money. There isn’t a solution to that.
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Oh my goodness, Tiffany- were we with the same Mac?!
Such men seem to think that their relationships relationships should be build along the dynamic of master and servant. It’s not an equal
Partnership where both partners’ dignity and choice as a grown adult is protected. Abusers like to infantilise their partner- to treat them like helpless children- brainwashing them into feeling useless, so that the abuser can freely take advantage. -
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Thank you so much for your replies and support.
I’ve not been to cab yet, but I have got myself a small job so can start to build myself up again.I truly hope that anyone else going through tough times can see it for what it really is, stand high, be strong and claim back the woman you know you really are x*x
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