Finding courage

[Pompom111]

Hi everyone
I’ve finally found the courage to put my first post on here.
I’ve been reading your stories, thoughts and feelings for months and I have to say it’s really really helped me. I thought I was alone in my situation and thought no one would ever understand what I was enduring. I often questioned “is it me” even though I knew deep down it wasn’t.
I’m currently in a calm phase and am thinking clearly, but as we all know, things can change in a flick of a switch.
I hope that one day I can find the courage to do what I know I need to do! This is just another stepping stone of the process.

[Stargazing1]

Welcome @Pompom111 , sorry to hear how things are for you. Good to think you found people’s stories here a little help to give you the courage too post . There will be many many people here who will listen and give as much feedback as they can . I’m sorry you are in the situation you are in . Everyone is kind here as they all know how the next person is feeling. Glad you joined. Sending hugs.

[Lisa]

Hi Pompom111,

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your positivity about how the forum has helped you so far, it’s really good to hear! I hope that you find posting to be just as beneficial.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to private message me.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Pompom111]

@Stargazing1 and Lisa…thank you for your kind words.
The calm has started to be not so calm. Tensions are building and the real him is re-emerging. As awful as it sounds I find it easier when he is like this as I’m not second guessing myself and wondering if I’m making it all up in my head!

[Pompom111]

I want to leave but really don’t know how to go about this. My relationship isn’t physically abusive so I’m not worried about him hitting me but he is 100% a n********t and is emotionally abusive, he won’t make leaving easy for me. He has absolutely no idea that I want to leave. I darent bring it up as he will just twist and manipulate things and i will be the problem not him. I spend every minute of every day planning my escape but never seem to get any further forward. I feel like I’m stuck in a web.
Any advice from people who finally got free would be really appreciated…or anybody who is still living the nightmare but planning on going – how will you go about it? Also…I’m so scared that if I finally get out that I will be even unhappier than I am now. Is this a standard fear?

[Tsunami Mommy]

I am always the most worried when things are going well. I know then that it is only a matter of time before things blow up. And after things get back, I know I have a few days grace period of calm. This is not way to live.

[Sad and alone]

I think worrying about being unhappier or what will happen if you leave is normal. It’s fear of the unknown. But maybe better than the knowledge that what you are living will be your life forever if you don’t make a move.
I am still here, but think about leaving. We’ve been at points where he tells me to go but for one reason or another I don’t, usually him saying we can make it work and shouldn’t give up if only I change it’ll be better. I think most of it is the thought of the upheaval and loss of my life as I know it. He’s asked me what I want to do and I just can’t say I want to leave. Even though I’m not in love with him, I don’t know why it’s so hard but it is.
I imagine I would maybe try and see if I could stay with a relative or something. He would stay where we are now. When we have arguments he says he’s put too much into our home to give it up and I can leave. But then if I even start thinking about where I’d go I slip back into the easier option of just putting up with things.
It’s hard. If they were absolutely horrible every day it would be easier, but it’s the calm times in between where you can chug along under their radar for a bit that make you think you can stay after all.

[Pompom111]

Thank you for the response @sadandalone. I’m sorry to hear you are in a similar situation and are finding it difficult to make that break.
I agree that it’s the fear of the unknown that makes it even scarier to leave. Life won’t be the same once we make that change, it’s a frightening prospect.
I also agree it’s made much more difficult when we have the nice days. I used to get completely pulled back in by this and convince myself that we could make it work but I feel differently now. It’s a very cruel process.
You take care and stay strong x

[Bluebirds]

I can’t believe what I’m reading, it’s like I’m writing it myself. He’s told me to leave so many times, I never do. It sends me into panic. Then it’s all normal and hes like nothing has happened or its silent treatment. I’ve been a member on here for a while and only just started to comment and post. Its been so helpful reading everyone’s stories which resonate so much to my own.

It would be so much easier if they were horrible all the time right?! I’ve been chugging under the radar as far as I remember just existing not really living. I’m not in love with my partner anymore either why is it so hard to leave for good. The fear of the unknown is definitely scary!! Starting over from scratch after so long is mortifying to me being in my (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve actually told him I don’t want this anymore so I’m pretty scared right now that it might actually be ending this time.

[pookie1]

Sorry to hear you’re struggling – I’ve been there. I’ve been out of my abusive relationship for 18 months now. Leaving has to come at the right time for you. When the time comes – and I hope it does for your sake – you’ll know. For me a red line was crossed which broke the spell for me and I could finally start to see the behaviour for what it was. I didn’t find this forum until I’d begun the separation and started researching and educating myself. Your self awareness at this stage shows you’re stronger than you think. One thing I will say is while I do have my ups and downs as I come to terms with what’s happened I do have sense of inner peace now and I’m slowly starting to take control of my life, make my own decisions and trust my gut. The latter being the part I suppressed for many years. Take care and you’re not alone x*x

[Pompom111]

Thank you so much for your reply @pookie1 im so pleased you managed to get out of your abusive relationship and find your inner peace.
I live on constant egg shells.  I have forgotten what it feels like to feel completely relaxed. I left once before but im afraid I came back. I wasn’t aware of this forum at that point and I wasn’t aware that I was in a never ending cycle of abuse that I could never break no matter how hard I tried. I’ve tried so hard to make things work, I’ve tweaked myself so much that I’m no longer the same person I was. That person is long gone. I know what I need to do but finding the strength to do it is proving very difficult. Fortunately, because I have done so much research Im aware that I’m never going to find my peace here…yet I keep finding reasons to stay or reasons not to go! Thank you again for taking the time to respond. It definitely helps speaking to others that understand. Take care x

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