Finding it all so hard

[new survivor]

I am finding things hard at the moment with my anxiety at its highest that it has been for a long time. I get stressed over the smallest thing and think that I have done things wrong. I have no incline to do anything or if I do it completely drains me so fast that all I want to do is sleep. It has made my ME worse as my legs hurt all the time. It is an effort to get up in the morning. I am getting upset over the smallest of things and do not want to be around people. I manage to go to work but it is on auto pilot and worst of all with how I have been feeling my faith is huge to me but have been too anxious to go to church as do not want to face people as when they ask how I am I just burst into tears. I struggle to sleep at night times as my mind is thinking all the time and trying to piece everything together.

Things have been getting worse with my ex being awkward and the solicitor has had to change the way in which the divorce is being conducted and know that it is all going to cause trouble when he receives his letter (detail removed by moderator) as he been ringing, texting, emailing and trying to get back into my head saying that all this has been brought on myself. Also that it is all my fault and that I am the cause of it and that I am not good enough and never will be.

I have tried to speak to a few people but they have told me that their are people with worse issues and that need to pull myself together and that I need to get on with it and get back to doing all that I usually do. I have felt so low that thought that I am a burden and that people would be better off without me here. I just get so upset and at times wish there was someone who would see and sit and talk to me but at the moment I just do not see it.

Does anyone have any advice of how they have got through the dark times and come out on the other side? Or ways in which I can face to go back to my faith? Or just some general advice on how to get through.

(name removed by moderator)

[Twisted Sister]

Hello new survivor,

A warm welcome to you and a huge virtual hug, if you want one, but not if you don’t.

A big step forward that will make you feel so muç better is to learn to ignore and block the rubbish he talks. It will transform your outlook if you can do this, it does take a lot of practice, just keep remembering what he’s done all the incidents and that it was only the behaviour that an abuser is capable of, no matter what he said.

We’ve all been blamed shamed and messed up by them.

It’s what they do. Never take responsibility. Never, not really, even saying sorry is part of the coercion to keep you there, under his power and control.

Keep posting as much as you can manage, it will really help to get it off your chest and process it.

So glad you found d here and were brave enough to post.

Warmest wishes ts

[new survivor]

Thank you the virtual hug is well received and much needed.

It is good to have a place where people understand and can talk together about experiences and ways to help each other.

The solicitor is now going to get tough as says he has messed around enough now and is making me ill.

I feel bad aa see how much it is hurting those in my family to see me so low and feel bad for putting on them and causing them pain.

I just want it to be over and just need to know how to shut him out and how to get rid of the years of abuse that I took.

Thank you.

[Twisted Sister]

babies steps is how. slowly, with support, with validation for all that you have suffered, and still are because of him.

Your family are being good family and worrying for you, trying to help, even if they don’t always understand. Its amazing to have their support, use it. You are not putting on them, they love you, of course it pains them, but its not happening to them, you need to focus on you and put yourself at the centre before you can recover.

shut him out practically is the easy bit, coming of social media, blocking his emails, changing your email, telephone number all routes. they are like water seeping in every tiny gap. give yourself the peace and quite you so desperately need from him and let your solicitor take the stress off you. its no surprise that he would make things difficult.

glad you appreciated the hug, we’re all here for you, so do keep posting and getting strong.

warmest wishes ts

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there ns, another virtual hug coming from me and as ts says only if you would like another and not if you don’t…it is so important to have choices, isn’t it?

Thank you so much for sharing. Sometimes I remember all the time I spent ‘ghosting’ on this board before I felt brave enough to even post anything, and so perhaps we can remember there are probably hundreds of women out there in that position so yourself being a new survivor it is also important for them to hear your voice.

Your title says it all ns. I want to stop for a moment and acknowledge how hard it is. Looking back at that court stuff – before I even knew this board existed…plenty of times I thought I was the only person on the planet going through it all and I had a young child to care for as well. Which was what kept me going I guess the fact that I had to…

There are so many things to say…excuse me if I try to make a list in summary – which is part of my ‘maybe traditional women’s survival/thriving strategy’…

1. First place I would put ‘the ordinary things’. To become really mindful of the smallest, smallest thing in your life that you can be grateful for, glad about…I still find this hard but talking about the milk coming to your door on time…when you manage to make a snack for yourself…being glad it is healthy bread. Drinking lots of water in a day..pat on back for that.
The bigger things..i think it is amazing that you are holding down a job…something I didn’t mange at the moment, had to give myself some more time.

2. Faith.
Hope this one might help you if not any woman of any faith (and or, none). This is a huge topic. At first I found my faith was shaken to the core – mainly because I came across some ignorant peoples in my old place of worship as it was then (which is now changing). Many people don’t seem to be able to cope when you tell them you went to a women’s refuge…et.c.

Now though I definitely feel that my journey was/is a spiritual one. There is something which speaks to me and I don’t know where I heard it from ‘God chooses the strongest soldiers for the toughest jobs’.

I too, feel anxiety (less than I did) – that thing about needing rest and being exhausted…not wanting to be around people…at the moment I deal with it by ploughing it all into vegetable gardening…almost as if all my grief, trauma and despair gets recycled on compost heaps and then turns into something that is fresh and crisp and good to eat. Do you have a patch you could nuture…in your yard…? Also if that speaks to you..it makes a really good non-threatening conversation topic for people who might be keen to talk about their latest discovery of a flower…variety

About attending a service…I have an idea for something to do online which might appeal…if I can message you with the link…

Finally (and last but not least)…the legal stuff

I wish I had had this board whilst I was going through this as this process is potentially traumatising in itself…I know we are not allowed to put the details on here, but bearing in mind I was someone who had never, ever used or needed the services of a solicitor, the whole thing was a mixture of intimadting and coercive control…tactics that ex used the worst of all.

So what TS is saying about your boundaries becomes even more important.

There is more to say, but will post this now to get something on here and hope to walk with yourselves on this journey going forward…this morning I woke with a scary dream about deep water…nowadays I write things down in a journal…I try to be kind to myself and say ‘thank you brain for helping me deal with this’ – as I believe that is what it is doing…

thinking of you
all best
ftc
x

[new survivor]

Hi there

Thank you so much for your reply and support.

Thank you for the virtual hug and sending one back to you as well.

Your words are really good and helpful and yes would like to hear your idea with the faith.

Everyday is a battle and sometimes do not know how I get through the day without breaking down.
It is this time where it starts to hit and then the head starts thinking.

I need to find something to fill my time and not just plough myself into my job or hide away in my room.

I see him with his life he has moved on and let’s me give money every month whilst he has everything. But I had to walk away but he is playing mind games with me.

Thank you for reading and giving the advice.
And support.

These last two days have helped with people helping and being there.

Xx

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