Finding it so hard to live with my teenager years after abusive dad

[anotherlife]

This could be such a long post to explain what’s happened and is now going on. But please, I just need to know how others managed to get through years and days with angry and difficult behaviour from a child. I have 2 kids who stayed with me when we finally got away from ex husband. So much has gone on and I know both struggle, my eldest is ok with dad now, much better relationship. Younger teenager I tried to protect for years and was comfort, love, everything, lives with me but life feels like he’ll most days. Gets worse as gets older, school holidays get worse every day, I’ve tried so long to be calm, I feel like I can’t take much more, but know there’s no choice. I know inside there’s so much hurt, anger, confusion, feels low, so low and low self esteem, the list goes on. But I can’t be a good mom to her when feeling so anxious, not sleeping, not wanting to get up to face days with her, trying every day to improve life but nothing works & it just gets worse. I’m not asking for sympathy or take her phone away etc, just how did any of you keep going? Life took so long to improve after him and still issues but I seriously just want to get in my car each day and keep driving. She’s always had a temper, but it feels like a case of taking on the abuser role. Everything is someone else’s fault. She has a counsellor, but I know she’s not honest fully. I know I’m less patient than I used to be but I’m trying my best, but it’s like we don’t even have a relationship half the time, just on her terms and I’m more anxious than years ago. How will I cope with her teenage years and living with her? Noone knows how bad it is and I’m seeking help again for anxiety due to this. Sorry to go on and on and on.

[KIP.]

Hey I know what you’re saying. Have you considered talking to her counsellor and explain the situation? I hope her counsellor has experience of domestic abuse with her patients. Contact your local women’s aid for support. I believe there are courses for children of abusers, like the Freedom Programme for adult survivors. My son learned so much behaviour from his dad but I hate to say this but I believe there’s a nasty gene that can be passed down and perhaps part of their behaviour is down to that. But you can’t do this alone. So build a support network. I used to take my son in the car and that’s when we could talk but if you’re constantly being met with hostility and abuse then there’s no point. Are you receiving counselling. I found it so difficult to talk to my son about his abuse because my mental health was destroyed. It was triggering. We are estranged now. He knows he is welcome in my life but I will not tolerate abuse and that’s the way things are just now, it’s the sting in the tail of domestic abuse when your child takes over that role of the abuser but setting boundaries and sticking to them, even though the consequences are horrific it’s how I got through. It’s like the stewardess saying put your own oxygen mask on before you help others. Do you have family members who can step in and talk to her. Or who she can stay with to give you both space. Is it only with you that she’s shows these traits?

[anotherlife]

Hi KIP, thanks so much. I’ve had help from womens aid for years & done programmes, I’d got so far that I felt I was ready to not need them so much but now it feels like full circle and start again. I hate to say it but I get what you mean about a nasty gene, his side are like that, he’s not the only one, but being kids of an abuser themselves… but I’ve always felt she had her dad’s temperament and there’s no ‘fixing’ it or getting along when all she wants is her own way. I think I’ve been understanding for too long & been taken advantage of,trying to be calm & never react. I just want years to go by faster, it’s so sad, this is our life and I’m wishing it away. We’re always told ‘it’s not their fault’ as learnt behaviour & I get that in some ways. But it just feels impossible. Family have tried, some even don’t want to see her. I stuck up for and made excuses for so long. My mental health is really suffering now. I have a part time job now & I feel anxious there all the time, not because of the job as I really like it, but it’s just got so bad that I can’t shake it off. I’m just praying for school to start again.
I tried to be so understanding and get help, so that we broke the abusive cycle, I didn’t want her continuing it, but I can’t see her treating anyone well unless everything on her terms all her life.
She’s mostly like it with me, but others see the way she can be & used to see when she was younger. I’m feeling so isolated and I just want it to get better.

[Hetty]

I really feel for you. I can identify with some of what you’re saying. I must say that I don’t think constant lockdowns has done us any favours either. Far too much time at home certainly hasn’t helped in my house. I think Kip’s suggestion to speak with her counsellor would be a good starting point. I know the counsellor will need to remain centred to your daughter, but it would be helpful for them to have a full understanding of what’s going on. You could also speak with her school and see what else they could do to offer support.
Things have become so bad in my house I’ve needed to take some time off work and speak to my gp to try medication again. I felt I was on the verge of a breakdown. Not only dealing with the pre teen hormones but also the fallout of leaving an abusive relationship. Juggling work and being a single parent is so hard! My child sometimes says things my ex would say and that has been so triggering. It felt like I was right back in hell.
I’ve really just tried to pick my battles and I’ve also been honest about the behaviours that are unacceptable and how they impact me. I’ve also had to listen to my child’s feelings and anger at me for “causing this situation in the first place”. I have been trying to build in some time for me – even a walk with a friend to get some peace and I’ve stopped obsessing too much. I’ve got it wrong so many times but I do my best, as I’m sure you do.
Is your daughter seeing her dad? Is there a chance he could be fuelling the fire?
Be kind to yourself. Being a mother is hard at the best of times. Even in the dark times be proud that you’ve shown your daughter a strong role model ❤️

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