Finding work hard

[Gemma]

Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I have posted here. I have had some employment issues and the sheer physicality of my most recent job, often leaves me too exhausted to do anything more than tumble into bed at the end of my shift.

I have had 3 jobs in the last 6 months. Whilst with my coercive ex, he would not let me work in all the time we were together. This covered many many years. Because of this all my admin skills, particularly computer skills are out of date. I kept my typing skills up. So my first job, I was not kept on after the 3 month probation. Second job was (detail removed by moderator). One if the machines gave me chronic motion sickness. I lasted 2 days. Straight away I got another job in (detail removed by moderator). Never done it before. But where I live full time work is hard to get, and had already worked fir the main full time employers. So I thought give it a try. And having me to rely on to pay the bills, not much option. Thing is, I love the job. (Detail removed by moderator). But finding the 12 hour shift, and the sheer physicality of how demanding it is absolutely exhausting. I ache all over after every shift. I am terrified of becoming ill or injured etc and being unable to work. If I end up on benefits I will lose my flat. I am (age removed by moderator) but feel like I am on the scrape heap. My confidence is at all time low. My family are proud of me for finally getting out of my relationship. But haven’t truly forgiven me fir the time away from them, and can be judgemental and lacking in sympathy or understanding of how hard I am finding it. I am not lazy, I have gone looking and found work. Mentally I know I am still suffering from the affects of coercive relationship. I am on medication for high blood pressure and beta blockers. I have lost weight and a bit on skinny side, so just physically feel run down. I don’t know who to turn to or ask for advice and support.

[diymum@1]

this kind of work can be exhausting but the up side it is really rewarding – love old folk theyre so amazing and have so much life experience. it does sound like youve picked the most physical job though and if your mentally exhausted this might not be the best option for you – you dont want to reach burn out. i tend to neglect my health abit we get so caught up with sweeping up our exs mess that we forget about ourselves. self love rings a bell i know you dont have much time or energy – money is always an issue – but take the time you have to look after yourself. hot baths – bit of pampering? xx hope your ok its not easy but we do get there love diymum x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Gemma, thank you for posting and letting us know how you are doing. You were one of the first ladies to talk to me, I just want to say thank you.💜💛 I’m still with my oh so don’t feel really qualified on where you should go next. I guess talking to your gp and seeing if there’s anyone you can talk to to just make sense, give you the validation that your feelings are normal and that you’re doing great.
Family aren’t helping are they? It’s such a shame after all you’ve gone through that because of their ignorance of the topic they are actually being abusive in their own way. 😔
Maybe talking to women’s aid again, they might be able to guide you in who to speak to or might have a help group in your area or you could with their help get one set up.
It’s great to hear you’ve managed to stay away from him, I hope you find the help you need.
Love and light IWMB 💕💕

[Fudgecake]

Hi Gemma,
I’m sorry to hear about how your jobs are making you feel exhausted due to their physical nature. However, I’d like to say that I admire you for getting those jobs and grabbing hold of your situation by the tail. Dealing with the aftermath of a coercive ex is like wrestling with a tiger. All claws and gnashing teeth whilst we desperately try to keep it under control. I’d just like to say to keep hold of that tail because you will overcome the difficulties. You are a strong person and a fighter. I know the feeling of being a certain age and feeling unsure of the future, but I think most people feel like that these days. I think talking to WA, CAB and possibly your local council eg housing about the future and potential problems may help.
I too hope you find the help you need.

[Gemma]

Thank you all for your supportive messages. I wantmenack 😊 I do remember you. I loved your name, because I can remembered the day I realised I didn’t recognise the person I had become. I actually said out loud to myself, I have lost myself, I want me back. That day I believe was the beginning of me digging deep, to find the courage to leave. So my heart went straight out to you. 😊 It means a lot because you all truly understand how I am feeling and why.

I have been thinking of contacting my local woman’s aid again. But I feel guilty about it. As in I know there are others just getting out of the situation I was in. And need their help more than I do. I feel such a fraud and and a whineger in comparison. I just don’t know what to do if I find I just can’t cope. I do feel close to burn out. I am mentally exhausted. There has also been a family issue, which has caused me a lot of stress concerning my youngest son. As I have said before I think in a earlier post, I feel I M just holding it together. But anymore stress and I am afraid everything will come tumbling down. It didn’t help either last week that I heard that my ex has been trying to find ways to contact me and that he knows the town I am in.

That, on top of work and the exhaustion isn’t helping.

[Iwantmeback]

Don’t feel guilty about contacting WA. They are here before during and after leaving. Like everything else the after math is when we need just as much support. Would you consider going to your gp for some support? Whether it’s getting your name down for councelling or taking anti depressants short term. You just sound so stretched, Been keeping so busy and occupied in the aftermath to not think about him, you’ve just run out of steam.
I’m a list maker, always have been. Can you make a list of what has to be done and things that you can manage not doing or delegate if possible. Even getting shopping delivered instead of going to the shop. We get pulled in so many different directions at times, something has to give,.. don’t let it be you after all this time. Much love and best wishes Gemma, IWMB 💕💕

[lover of no contact]

Hi Gemma,

Thank you for your post. I’m glad you highlighted the challenge post leaving in financially supporting ourselves, especially as we have age, our mental and physical health has been traumatized by being abused, family issues etc. This is a very important issue for us as we have to secure an income to stay free. We have to secure an income in whatever way we can to pay for the roof over our head and to pay our bills. The abuser would happily pick up that tab if they could continue to use and abuse us but that aint an option any more when we’ve ‘seen the reality’ so how do we secure the income without exhausting ourselves, making our already fragile health worse and coping with all the outside issues that go on around us due to children/family etc.

I’ll give you some of my experience and friend’s experience (who has a job similar to yours)…

I was working full-time hours and like you I was exhausted so I went to GP got a letter to say I was exhausted and brought it to my boss. She agreed to part-time hours.

My friend has a job similar to yours in that she works full-time, 12 hours shifts, (detail removed by moderator), and the work is very physical. She is single so doesn’t have the added work of food shopping, cooking, cleaning, clothes washing , lifts, etc for teenager/young adult that you have. How she copes with the physicality of her job is she spends a day literally in the house resting/relaxing and recouping her energy. As she is single and her family are abroad she knows can’t afford to get sick as there will be no one to pick up the pieces so she rests as much as she needs to on her days off. She doesn’t take on a lot of commitments with friends etc as her rest comes first and she gets her social engagement from work colleagues and the elderly for whom she cares for at work. Recently she took 2 weeks off work and she didn’t go home to family, she didn’t arrange to meet up with friend’s, she rested, relaxed, cooked simple meals, went for a daily walk and she came back so refreshed and said she really enjoyed her 2 weeks just being with herself. There was no drama. lol

I’m learning a lot from her in the importance of taking time for rest and relaxation as well as securing an income, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing favours for family/kids/friends.

Maybe one day a week as a duvet day is necessary at the moment for you to recover your energy and to balance your energy output.

If you’re on your feet all day and doing physical tasks well that’s like spending 12 hours at the gym. So at least you’re earning income and doing your ‘steps’ (count them with the phone app or step watch and I’m sure you’re doing WELL over 10,000 steps a day) which is healthier than sitting at a desk. So your job will help maintain your fitness. I hope you can take your proper lunch break and 2 15 minute breaks and hopefully put your feet up then.

Keep posting as this is a very real challenge. But well done for securing INCOME as this is needed to keep us free.

[Gemma]

Hi Lover if no contact… you have hit the nail on the head there. The pressure to earn an income that allows us to be self sufficient, after years of someone else contrythe money, and in my case not allowing me to work, is so, so hard.

Aside from money management, something I really struggled with. There is the de-skilling aspect. My admin skills were rusty to say the least. Not so much typing speed, I am a touch typist and kept practicing that skill. But the IT and software side of it was completely out of date. This affected my confidence terribly. I felt stupid. My memory was also affected because when I am anxious the ability to retain new information is impaired. But what can you do! I just tried my very best, but all these things I feel contributed to my not being kept on at the end of the probationary period of my first job. The whole experience very stressful. Which knocked my confidence even more.

So I have come away from admin work and applied for anything that is full time, that’s how I cane into care work. I live the job itself, am very much s people person. But, the physicality of it, coupled with the amount of nervous energy I expend, leaves me exhausted mentally as well as physically. I feel constantly under pressure and afraid of being ill. I feel very alone in this. My adult children have their own financial comittments and responsibilities. I have only myself to rely on. Your friend has developed a very good way of dealing with this, one I will try. However I can me having to find another job soon, as though I find care di rewarding, long term I think I could only maintain this type of demanding job fir a limited time, as I am not getting any younger. Though I hate changing jobs so frequently, and it don’t look good on my cv. I don’t want to be seen as a job hopper.

Think you for your really helpful advice. And fir highlighting a big problem fir those of us trying to get back to a normal working life after living such an abnormal life, that became ‘our norm’.

Kind regards
Gemma

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