Finished…. Was it abuse… What now?

[Starshipx]

Hi everyone.

I’m new here, taken me a couple of weeks of floating about before I posted but…. Me and my ex were together for (detail removed by moderator). There was some violence (detail removed by moderator), he has had drug abuse but I think the main issue was emotional abuse. We haven’t lived together for nearly (detail removed by moderator) but he was around most days because of the kids. For the last (detail removed by moderator) I have realised how much I disliked him. Didn’t tell him I loved him, didn’t like his company but I got you cant leave me, I’m too old to start again, your not having any man around my kids, I’ll make your life hell etc, etc. It finally got to the point (detail removed by moderator)where he ended it. A big part of me was lost, I struggled with that, why did I feel that way when we didn’t have a future? It was dead in the world water ages ago. He looks after the kids when I work. He went out got drunk and couldn’t have them. He then started moaning he had no money, we are friends why couldn’t I lend it, didn’t I care etc etc. I stupidly lent it to get him to shut up, a regular ocurance in the relationship. i found an old photo of my ex and he saw it when he came round to see the kids. A couple of days later he text me to say he was seeing someone, he thought I should know. Continued to gloat about it for the next couple of days, said he couldn’t have the kids in a couple of months as they were going away blah blah blah. Then changed it to she asked him to go he doesn’t want to. If I don’t let him look after the kids at my house when I work he will take them to hers, then he says they aren’t even that serious they are just texting, then says he stayed the night at her house but nothing happened…. Keeps telling me we aren’t together anymore, he is free, I was controlling and miserable. Is he trying to make me go mad???????? Is this emotional abuse????? Any one have any input. Sorry it’s so manic and rushed but it’s hard to condense it down and get everything in 🙂 x

[KIP.]

Yes it is abuse. He’s keeping you hooked in for when he gets dumped by her. You need to take control. Now is your chance to escape while he is distracted. Can you contact your local women’s aid. They will help you get out of this awful situation. Don’t listen to any of his talk. It’s all rubbish and lies.

[Escaped not free]

Yes it’s abuse. Run, run like the wind and don’t look back. I promise you it will get better if u cut him out. X

[Starshipx]

Thanks for your replies, I don’t think me and the kids are in any danger but he is very good at lying to twist things. I have to have contact with him because he has the kids so I can work. The more I speak about him out loud the more it shocks me what I put up with. I think I’m finding it easier because in a way we’d already separated months ago, it was just that last emotional attachment. He just seems to do things to make me feel like c**p. I don’t need to know every aspect of your life now, your not my problem anymore!!!!

[Starshipx]

Is it normal to have bad days??? It’s the knot in my stomach that I can’t stand, this morning I woke up and just felt like sh*te! I spoke to his mum tonight, she is lovely and asked how I was getting on, speaking to her just made it clear he is still telling lies to people. Does the counselling really help??? I’m at the point I’m thinking it’s the way I need to go. He is still doing mind games and it isn’t helping the situation!

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Starshipx, like you i stopped liking my ex, I thought he was rude and arragont and I just didn’t like him. I decided to finish with him. Then he finished with me. It took the wind out of my sails and I could not understand why I was so upset when I didn’t want him anyway. X*X

[Starshipx]

Healthyarchive I thought I was going mad! I don’t get it. I thought I’d just carry on with no feelings but it didn’t happen! Doesn’t help that he now has an arrogance about him like he is gods gift. Did it take you long to get over the situation? X

[Healthyarchive]

This is exactly the position that I have been in since we broke up, i could not understand why I have felt deep grief,loss, sadness & despair, it just did not make sense. I think a lot of this, or possibly all of it was because he finished it (at the same time I did). I,m not sure if it was an ego/pride thing on my part, the dumper always coming out better than the dumped,I don’t know. Shortly after i broke up I was having counselling and I said that I felt he had taken the control & that was what was so devastating. In a normal scenario, I would decide that the relationship was going nowhere so I would end it,walk away & move on,there certainly wouldn’t be months of grief ,confusion & despair. I think he got wind of me getting fed up, sensed I was going to end it so got in there equally. Perhaps a part of me wanted him to fight for me, fight for us, he never did. As time goes on you get over this & it’s not such a big deal. In the whole scheme of things I decided he was not a quality partner who treated me like s**t & we ended which was the right thing.👍👍👍

[Healthyarchive]

ps, as well, his arrogance/king of the castle belief could not accept that they he be dumped, so he did the dumping instead, perhaps in his mind he had to stay on top.

[Starshipx]

I know that is being finished is the right thing for me and the kids. You sound exactly how I’m feeling. I definitely have better days. Waking up in the morning seems to be the worst but it helps that every time I have to see him he reminds me of what a t**t he is plus the fact he wants to keep rubbing anything and everything to do with other women in my face. I think half of it is rubbish and lies it just the enjoyment of having the upper hand x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Please please please can you be careful about soaking to his mother. My mother in law was also in on it!!!! They both tricked me. Speak to people who are on your side and have no link to him. He’s such an idiot he’s trying to get under your skin and he’s winning. Train your mind into remembering what he is and what advice you would give to a friend. You would say good riddance to bad rubbish and if he has someone else then let him gloat because it won’t last! These men are incapable of holding anything down which is why they have nothing worthwhile because they are trash pure and simple that’s all they have, all they deserve and all they will ever have!! Put his memory in your black bin and let it go to the tip do not put him in the recycle bin don’t let this opportunity pass you by you will thank yourself for this in years to come! I promise xxxx

[Healthyarchive]

I agree with Positive Sharship, can you go No Contact with your ex? I really like the book No Contact by HG Tudor, its free to read on Amazon. No Contact will get you into a position of power. Yes, beware his family and associates, my ex, his family and friends stuck together like glue, I was the outsider and not one of them gave me an inch. I like the phrase ‘The best form of revenge is success’, for you to make your lives as positive and happy as you can, that will really eat away at him. X*X

[Starshipx]

Positiveandlookingahead- thank you, his mum is defo not on his side but I know what you mean. I’m always aware of what I’m saying to her but their relationship is strained, to the point where the police were called after an argument where he scared the living day lights out of her, but I never tell all to her. I’m definitely getting to the point where I’m starting to feel better, apart from the odd down day. He is a waste of a human, he still texts me asking for sex, even up to this morning. Then tells me tonight to find myself a boyfriend and leave him alone. I wouldn’t mind if I kept texting or calling but I never do, it’s always him who texts or calls. Why couldn’t I have had a normal break up!!!!!! X

[Starshipx]

He came to see the children, I left him here for 10 mins, come back he has helped himself to food out of my cupboard and is slumped on my sofa texting. I told him he is free to go if he has elsewhere to be. He barely spends 20 mins with them, to which point he says he is going and won’t be having the kids for me when I go to work at the weekend, they are both stood there. He goes on to say it’s our sons fault because he g grassed him up for eating the food. W*f?!?!?!?!? How the hell does he feel he can behave that way infront of them still??? I don’t have to let him in here to see them but I try to be the bigger person and he always makes me feel like a complete idiot for allowing it! X

[Starshipx]

How does no contact work with kids and having him be my childcare in my house whilst I work? His house is no where near suitable enough to have the kids in x

[Healthyarchive]

Is there nobody else who can look at your kids while you work? At the moment he has you over a barrell and dependent on him due to the childcare. I dont have kids so not sure how qualified I am to comment, but what do other single mums do about childcare?. It may be that you have to give up work for a while, just while all of this is getting sorted out, so that you can look after your kids?. Once your more settled and have made other childcare arrangements you can go back? No Contact but when you have to is called Grey Rock. You should find something on it from a google search, otherwise Melanie Tonia Evans is a great DV specialist, she will have something on grey rock on her website.

[Starshipx]

Thank you healthyarchive, I’ll have a look. The reason I put all my hours into the weekend was no childcare. It worked cause he would do it most of the time, but you are right he knows I need him for it and I think he likes the control he has over me with it. It’s the one thing he has had over me for ages and I know the minute I sort it out he will say you know I would’ve had the kids why did you quit or why did you change your hours, your so over the top etc x

[Healthyarchive]

It sounds like he is controlling you with the childcare he provides. X*X

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