First day in the refuge

[Awayfromhome]

Today was the day. The sun shone and everything came together for me and my LO to move to a refuge. The location is perfect and we are in a one bedroom flat just ourselves. So happy about that.

I know I should be more than grateful, but few things have come up already
– there were lots of mice droppings in the flat and it’s very cold (even with heating on). I think it has to do with being ground floor.
– when I called the association they told me someone would help me to move benefits and all, but my case worker just said that I had to do it myself asap. So I am not sure how much support will I have in the long run.
– and even though my CW seems very very lovely, she said to me not to cry, that other people had it worst and that I should be grateful that I manage to leave in one piece. Even though it was said in a nice tone (like the way my aunty or grandma have done it) i didn’t appreciate it. I am all for being vulnerable and showing my emotions and teaching my LO that it is ok to feel whatever we are feeling in the moment as long as we know how to let it pass through. This has been one of the hardest decisions and it hurts that it had to come to this. So it triggered me because my husband used to say that I was a drama and my aunty and grandma made comments like the one my CW did whenever I cried as a child.

I know no one is perfect and that no place is perfect and this is just temporary. I just really hope things get sorted in the best possible way from now on.

Maybe I should look for extra help in other associations? Even if I am staying here?

[Lisa]

Hi Awayfromhome,

Well done on leaving, it’s a big step and the truth is there’s no one way that you should be feeling right now. It’s clear from your first few sentences that you are grateful, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to dislike that it’s cold and there are mice droppings or feel triggered by an attitude. It sounds like you’re teaching your LO healthy ways of dealing with emotion.

It might be worth having a conversation with your caseworker to clarify and agree what support you can expect from them. If there’s anything additional that you need, you can ask them what other support there is locally that you can access, they should be aware of this.

I hope you start to feel settled soon.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Awayfromhome

You do indeed make it sound like a great thing you have managed to do, and it is, especially that the location is perfect and you have the space to yourselves. I am so pleased for you.

When it comes to caseworkers though, people need to be a good fit for each other, and having an allocated caseworker doesn’t necessarily mean its a good fit, or they are the right one for you.

Whats right for you is what feels right, and this doesn’t feel right.

Being in a refuge is all about being with other women in a safe space than can empower you, from whatever starting point you are at.

Caseworker’s should be supportive emotionally, and practically to support your individual needs, and its perfectly ok to accept this one, currenty, isn’t feeling that way for you. There may be another caseworker you can be allocated to that would be a better fit for you. or, you can ask to be transferred to another refuge also if you feel this one isn’t giving you the right support you need.

You are not stuck there, you do have options, is it possible for you to speak to the refuge manager there?
Explain that you are needing the help with your benefits application, feeling overwhelmed, or however you are feeling? Maybe you could speak to other women there to find out how things work around there?

For what its worth, I absolutely don’t believe you should feel ‘lucky’ in any way having been through what you and your LO have, and have had to do in order to escape, and neither should you compare your situation to other women’s, that should be discouraged, as women all too often will minimise their own experiences so efficiently because they’ve have much training to do this, and no one person can grasp the inner affects on a woman and her children that can’t immediately or sometimes ever, be seen.

You take care good care of yourself, and prioritise you. You have a chance now to have some peace and calm in your life to start building yourself back, growing your strength, and showing your LO safety and happiness, boundaries and strength. Did your CW also give you information around support and help for your LO, age appropriate? I do hope so.

Do keep posting here and getting all the support you need, and asking any other questions you may have.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

… and telling a woman who’s been through what you have ‘don’t cry’, however nicely its said, is bound to have the effect it has on you, or any other women she says this to.

Many women who arrive in Refuge have only ever cried inside, or silently to themselves, never being ‘allowed’ this most basic and urgent of needs, and you need to feel free to release your emotions now, especially at a time of such dramatic change in your lives. It may be well intentioned on her part, I’m sure it is, said in such a kindly manner, nevertheless it gives the wrong message.

warmest wishes

ts

[StrongLife]

Yes, it is temporary and will be short lived.

I moved from transition housing into other housing quickly. I was also moved a fair bit.

I am sorry your cw said these things. I am glad they had somewhere for you. Where I was, there was extremely limited places.

[Author]

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