22nd April 2016 at 4:38 pm #14909
Today is my first day without my partner, who was mentally abusive and controlling, demanding and tried to isolate me from others. I’ve never doubted myself so much or felt so low yet I know it could no longer carry on. There was cheating, compulsive lying and a prison sentence past to come to terms with. The whole relationship from the beginning was one of being groomed and manipulated to believe a true gentleman stood before me yet it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never felt like such a complete failure that I never picked up on these things sooner
22nd April 2016 at 10:02 pm #14971LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. I am pleased you found us so I hope you find the support you are looking for.
I am sorry to hear about what you have been through. Well done for ending your relationship and reaching out for support. Try not to blame yourself for not picking up on any signs of abuse, it is not your fault and you did not cause the abuse.
Have you got any support from friends, family or organisations?
If you would like to speak confidentially the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is available as a listening service, for signposting to other helpful organisations as well as discussing any options available in your circumstances. There are also local groups available offering ongoing emotional and practical support, you can find your local service here.
Keep posting to us when you can, it can really help to offload how you are feeling.
22nd April 2016 at 10:27 pm #14978
Thank you Lisa, I have been referred to a Donestic Violence team and just waiting to hear back from them thanks to very helpful probation workers. Still shocked at the lies and manipulation to be honest. You always feel you should have seen it clearly but some abusers are extremely clever with how they work
23rd April 2016 at 9:23 am #15019SerenityParticipant
I hope you are ok.
Please don’t feel like a failure. I maws married for well over a decade to a man who was basically evil. I kick myself for having children with him.
Sometimes, I am angry with myself, but then I realise that there was no
Way of knowing how it would turn out. They are such clever manipulative and liars. The abuse creeps up
so slowly, it’s hard to see it for what it is.
The important thing is that you are out now, and though you are low and hurting, you can work through this. Ask for lots of support – from the right people.
24th April 2016 at 1:17 pm #15154Confused123Participant
Hope u ok . we al;;l here for u whenever u need any support, look into counselling will help u loads
24th April 2016 at 5:23 pm #15169
Thank you all for your replies, really struggling at the moment to make sense of anything. I thought it was a relationship we were working on but when you realise you were “groomed” from the start it feels like your judgement has been completed jumbled and useless. Safety measures have been put into place so there’s no further contact yet lots of “no caller ID” calls have come to my mobile today making me uncomfortable. I feel swamped by the emotions and realising the manipulation tactics had worked so well on me x
24th April 2016 at 5:38 pm #15170SerenityParticipant
I feel like this too. They are such good actors and liars.
My ex isn’t British. When I met him, his vocabulary wasn’t perfect. He asked me what ‘gullible’ meant.
For some reason, I remembered this all these years. Maybe it troubled me. But I suppose I pushed it to the back of my mind.
A week or so before he left, he reminded me of how he’d asked me what gullible meant in the early days, and asked if I remembered him doing that.
Even at that point, I suppose I wouldn’t have believed he meant it in a cryptic way- or that he was implying I was gullible by believing him. After all, he had a family, two boys, a home…
When he left, I had to get an injunction against him as he was threatening me in order to stop me using a solicitor ( I suddenly decided to divorce him. It was like the mask had lifted- I saw him for what he really was, by the terrible things he was saying). Turns out he had money hidden for years. I realised how he had been siphoning my money. Yet this man went from monster to saying exactly what he knew I wanted to hear, in the same day, for years.
Why didn’t I realise how corrupt he was? I don’t consider myself stupid generally.
Now I am left feeling traumatised and worthless and have no confidence as a woman or human being. Yet I know I am free from my monster and that things will get better.
24th April 2016 at 10:40 pm #15196Escaped not freeParticipant
I know, I feel so conflicted. It’s the hardest thing on earth to mentally come to terms with. I’m also slightly further down the line. I crave him and hate what he’s done to me all at once. Again, controlling, emotionally and psychologically abusive, then tried to leave and escalated to frightening stalking. It’s been hell. But like you now have safety measures in place. I know how hard it is for you. Groomed is a very accurate way to describe what these men do. Read h g Tudor books…free on kindle. The other one healthyarchive recommended as well. I’m reading through one just now though…its my life now, life after an abusive relationship. It totally “gets” all the feelings you are going through and process them….well I’m hoping it will while I wait for counselling to start. Good luck you have all my sympathies for what you’ve been through and admiration for saying no more! Xxxx
24th April 2016 at 6:25 pm #15171LilycatParticipant
Have a massive pat on the back for moving forward and saying ‘No’ to unjust treatment.
Don’t feel a failure, because you certainly are *not* one- *and* you took the step to leave. This time will feel a confusing one for you, but I hope you can take strength in seeing how many strong, bright, kind and determined women, all posting here, found themselves in very similar situations. (I am always so taken by the strength and generosity of people when I post and when I read threads of other people.) Count yourself as one of them. And remember that whatever has happened in the past and even only yesterday is ‘past’ and you *can* create your own future from here on in.
There might be times when you ask yourself why things he did hurt you so much, even now. I get this, still, after a very significant time after packing my case and walking out. This is not a sign of weakness, but of being a normal human being reacting to an appallingly abnormal situation.
I wish you every strength- you will, day by day, see opportunities to thrive and, I am sure that you will take them. Already only one day after leaving, you are on this forum sharing- it took me years to start communicating, here; so, well done!
Gradually, life will get better, and I say this from experience. There will be ups and downs- you’ll feel on top of the world some days and on others you’ll feel like nothing’s progressing. But, you’ll find that there are proportionately more sunshine days as time goes by.
We’re all here for you, in good and not so good times, so never feel alone.
Wishing you strength and kindness to yourself from yourself and from others
24th April 2016 at 9:09 pm #15183
Thank you all for your positive comments. Today has been hard and a mutual friend got in contact earlier trying to act as a go-between but this is not possible as there are safety measures in place so that I can not be contacted or approached by my ex. I felt like they were playing mind games the same as he does and trying to make me feel sorry for him and that he is upset by my departure. Yet no mention of the upset he has caused me for all the lies and other women, the mind games and manipulation. It makes you feel distraught and heartbroken all at once. The emotions flip flop from hurt and upset to anger and fear. I typed everything out today, every manipulation and lie that happened and hoped that it would be therapeutic, speaking out and dealing with all the feelings yet it just made me feel I was pushed and pulled in all directions and never strong enough to stand up to him to say my own thoughts and feelings x
24th April 2016 at 9:21 pm #15187
Ive also spent quite some time today reading up on narcissism and shocked to see that my ex shows very strong signs of every point explained/detailed. This troubles me further as I do not feel he is getting the correct help to stop this from happening to another woman in the future.
24th April 2016 at 10:45 pm #15199Escaped not freeParticipant
You are right to block mutual friends just now. My ex used this tactic to get me back several times before. I’ve had to cut myself off from a girl I was supposed to be bridesmaid for next year to protect myself and my children from him getting back in or knowing anything about me. It hurts greatly and makes the loss harder but it’s time to think of what you need to do to survive this time. Normal rules don’t apply. X
25th April 2016 at 2:57 am #15206
Yes it is frightening how all of the characteristics are exactly the same but definitely a bonus to understand for the future xx
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