First post. Is this abuse.

[Caterpillarbutterfly]

New here, and first post.

I’m middle-aged and have been married for many years now. I’m also in a professional job while juggling that with looking after my child, who is at primary school. I don’t know if I ‘deserve’ help, because what’s happening to me isn’t really ‘abuse’ in that I’m not being beaten up. But I feel so down and depressed, I don’t know how much more I can take.

Basically, we’re now at the point where my spouse utterly despises me. He’s not impressed that I’ve put on weight, but there are bigger issues. I’m really struggling to keep on top of work + cooking + cleaning + childcare + admin, and so the house isn’t immaculate and sometimes things slip. Also, he says that living with me is like living with a zombie, I have no personality, I’m not real, I’m coasting through life and waiting to die. When he’s properly in a temper he’ll tell me that I’m a stupid c*** and wrecking his life. I’m honestly starting to dread weekends because it means 2 days of walking on eggshells and being called useless if we don’t do a good enough family activity (which is another thing- if I plan an activity and it’s rubbish, I get ‘why do I ever listen to you when you’re this useless’ but if I let him do it then it’s ‘what do you think you contribute to our lives, you don’t do anything’)

I don’t know how much more of this I can stand. I stay because if I leave then I don’t think I can put a roof over my child’s head and afford to run a car to get to work (cost of living crisis, etc). But it’s so, so miserable. Honestly, the only point of my life right now is that I think it would cause my child to suffer if I were to die. But then, my spouse often tells me that I’m a c**p example of a parent and wrecking both their lives, as it is.

I suspect that I probably have some sort of undiagnosed neurodivergence. I’ve always struggled with some social things, even as a kid. Therefore, I don’t know how much of spouse’s criticism is justified, maybe I’m just a really irritating person. But I do try. I’m trying to hold down a job, do most of the housework, look after my kid… it would be great not to feel beaten down like this All. The. Time.

[Apricot]

Hello Catterpillarbutterfly,

Firstly – none of your spouse’s criticisms are justified. None. The things you have described wouldn’t be appropriate to say to anyone, least of all your wife and mother of your child. There is no justification for behaviour like that and I am so sorry that you have been subjected to that behaviour.

What you are describing is emotional and psychological abuse. You absolutely do not deserve to be treated in this way and you do deserve help. Please believe that. If you like reading, I would suggest “Why Does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. It helped me to gain perspective on some of my abusive partner’s behaviours and understand why he did them. And it really had nothing to do with me – and everything to do with him. With control.

There is help available – you could start with the Women’s Aid Live Chat. Or google the support services in your area, there are people who really do want to help and can provide expert advice. They will be able to give advice on all sorts of areas, including practical things like housing and benefits. They will also be able to help you start to make sense of things.

You’ve been really brave in just posting here, even just being able to identify the things in your relationship that are so unhealthy and starting to talk about them is a big step. You’re brave and strong- look at everything you’re doing. You can do this – keep on posting and reaching out for help.

I haven’t been posting here long and only recently left my partner. I’m still trying to come to terms with it, my head accepts it was abusive (or starting to) but my heart doesn’t. I just couldn’t go on. I’m doing better than I was – I’ve hit a bit of a bad patch but nothing like I was before. There is help and you are stronger than you realise xx

[Bananaboat]

I 100% agree with Apricot. There’s absolutely no justification for speaking to anyone like that let alone your partner & mother of your child – but this is what abusers do, they condition & train us into thinking we’re the problem. You get to the point the c word is normal – how mad is that. We then ‘enjoy’ days were not being belittled as if we’re on honeymoon, but that’s basic standards. He’s most likely deflecting and deep down knows he’s all those things he’s saying you are.

This is abuse. It absolutely doesn’t need to be physical, but reading how nasty he is, it could escalate that way – I never thought mine would so don’t discount it. Anyway, walking on eggshells and feeling intimidated has physical impacts, just not a fist in the face yet. These people are parasites, sucking you dry, taking your resources, expecting you to carry the weight of day to day life single handedly whilst constantly criticising you. There is help, I know it’s hard to reach out. Domestic abuse falls under a reason for applying for homelessness support through your local council, so you might have options there.

You deserve better than this, your child will also be experiencing effects of this living environment. You deserve to be happy x

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