16th June 2021 at 10:45 pm #127266Hippieflower22Participant
hey, this is really difficult for me, and its made me so anxious to press send for over a week now.
ive been with my bf for (detail removed by moderator) now. we have children. at the beginning he was perfect my knight in shining armour, my soulmate. then slowly bit by bit i feel hes chipped at me.
he says i shouldnt wear something outside, hes possessive, when i say im going somewhere he talks me out of it. i have to ask to go out, very subtle.when im out hes constantly phoning me, telling me to hurry up. i couldve just left the house and he says can you hurry up. i do everything,regarding the childcare, feeding bathing the children. and he just moans that im doing it wrong. hes never even bathed my kids together. or put them to sleep. he tells me to hurry up when im on the toilet, in the bath. everything.
hes puts me down subtly like look at this washing what have you been doing all day? or look at the bathroom, but he never does it all he does the cooking. But no washing up.
i left my job when i got pregnant he promised to look after us. he lost his job within a year of that, and has been in and out of part time jobs. but now im paying for allthe bills, his money goes on his car. he says my money is given to me. i dont need to earn it. i said i would love to go to work to earn it. he says no you have children to look after.
so much more stuff the gaslighimg telling me i havent seen stuff. hes never been physically violent. but in my previous home he has smashed my phone and my door, when i wanted to end it he threatens to take the kids.
the last time i said i wanted to leave he cried uncontrollably, saying hes depressed and he will get help. he threatened to rip my (detail removed by moderator) and he was going to take the kids.
recently i came across a instagram page that highlighgted all these types of abuse and i looked at the power and control wheel, and it lead me here. ive spoke to womans aid and they have referred me to my local service. they want to put me in a refuge, but ive froze, im scared. im anxious. do i just tell him to go again?hes always said if i dont want to be with him i should say. do i just be honest?
i dont want to feel like this? i cant have someone control my life like this. i feel trapped. but stuck as he helps me when im anxious.
any comments apricated
17th June 2021 at 11:02 am #127284Living WarriorParticipant
Hi hunni, you are a very strong lady to post, 🙂
i know it is hard but you are strong, i know that because you are here, you are asking for help. You know what is happening isnt right and you are trying to change it.
I was in a similar position- my ex was depressed and said he would get help, i went with him countless times, he never wanted help. he would just use it to make me feel guilty for leaving him. it worked for years.
i know see that some people you cannot help, you can only help those who truly want it, those who are willing to put the hard work in. My advice, is this, and i apologise if this seems blunt- or harsh- but i have been there stuck for years- and i wish i had got out sooner-
Get out, take your personal stuff, I.D little sentimental stuff, but that is all you need. Start over.
yes its hard, yes it hurts, yes you will feel guilty.
that is because you are a good person, and you like me want to help people, you dont like to see suffering and hurt. but these people use that to their advantage- it keeps you coming back.
You need to cut all contact, (otherwise he will get back into your head, make you doubt yourself) and this is the most dangerous time in our lives, when we try to leave-
these men do not want to lose their control over us, so DO NOT TELL HIM! get the advice off womens aid, your local council can help you to find accomodation long term- Womens aid can point you in the direction of solicitors, which can put in emergency orders stating he cannot contact you, he cannot be near you or the kids, and you will be neamed main carer, meaning he cannot take the kids from you or school etc.
report everything to the police, this will help get your court orders and make him see you are not playing.
keep records of any messages screen shot them – you can document these after your first police incident as they give you a reference number, this means anything he does will be linked to the ref number and a proper pattern can quickly be seen and used if he decides to take you to court for contact etc.
Your main priority now though is to get out safely. Do not worry about the coming months etc, of how he will react- he will spit his dummy out his pram, he will be a total a*s, do not be suprised, but be prepared.
If i can get out, when i didnt live near my family, i had only a couple of friends, and not much else, then anyone can get out.:)
i have many posts on here that are aimed at helping others- stuff i have put together that helped me along my journey. feel free to look at my profile and go through my posts 🙂
if you have any questions or need more advice feel free to message me directly.
I hope you get the help you need, and i hope you get out safely.
17th June 2021 at 1:29 pm #127288Hippieflower22Participant
Thank you so much living warrior.
Your response made me cry and feel empowered at the same time.
You are spot on, I care so much. I give so many chances.
I just feel embarrassed as I was in a physical violent relationship when I was younger, I was single for years after.
I’m going to do it, I’m going to fill in the referral form. For me I can’t move away, I can’t go into too much detail, but I’ve been in bad accommodation and had to fight for where we are now. I don’t want to move. So I’ll be looking at orders to keep him away from this house as it’s mine.
But like you said I’ll worry about that later, just need to get out.
I feel I just needed reassurance that I’m not just making this all up. as normally it’s him I seek assurance from. I don’t speak to anyone else.
Going to check your posts you sound very strong too.
Thank you again! Thank you for replying xxxxx
20th June 2021 at 8:37 am #127410HeadspinParticipant
Hi Hippie I hope you’re keeping strong. Sounds as if you’re suffering horrible abuse and nothing of this horrible situation is your fault. Reach out for the help as livingwarrior suggested. I am still in an abusive relationship, I didn’t get to leave because I didn’t know it was abuse, only after years and years of suffering did I finally get it. You cannot fix a nasty, controlling, abusive man. My children are now adults and tell me that I should have left to spare us all the madness. I have been shouted at, told how stupid I am, locked in the house, locked out of the house, had my car keys hidden from me, screamed at down the phone if I’m out with a friend. Humiliated in front of friends and family. Had all financial resources cut from me, he took complete control of my inheritance, only now have I come to realise that I never saw a penny of it, I tried to make sense of it but all I can say to you is, his behaviour got worse and worse over time. He walked out of every job he had because he fell out with people. I had to pick up the slack with children and an elderly relative to look after. All he would do was scream at me before I went to work to say the house wasn’t clean, that was my job, everything was my job. His job was to do nothing but snipe at me. I endured years of abuse. You will find great support here, I too cried when I read the beautiful supportive messages from the ladies here. They know what you’re going through. I wish I had left, my husband is now ill with a long term condition, I stay because one adult child lives with us because he has MH issues and any disruption to his life would be detrimental. So my husband took me hostage when I was young, bright, happy and had a good job. I didn’t recognise myself after a while, I so wish I had left years ago. But I can’t live with regret, that means he would ruin my future as well as my past. Stay safe and keep posting.
20th June 2021 at 10:47 am #127413Living WarriorParticipant
you shouldnt have to move away, 🙂 there are many orders occupation order which states who lives in the property, prohibited steps which keep him from taking any children and non molestation which is to keep him away from you and no contact at all. go on direct.gov website they have all the answers there 🙂 including legal aid questions. most dv falls under legal aid when it is an emergency order, just look into it and get professional advice. 🙂
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