First relationship after abuse

[Pinkheart]

Does anyone else struggle with relationships after abuse?
I’ve been seeing this particular person for a while now, but I’m at the stage now where I’m thinking do I really want this?
I’m a very guarded person now for obvious reasons. My new partner is a closed book and very difficult to read. We never speak about feelings etc, and I have brought this up.
He says if he needs to do more than I need to tell him, but should I really have to do that?
Although I don’t open up about my feelings I’ve shown this in other ways, but now I can’t be bothered!
I always promised myself after an abusive relationship I would never put 100% into a relationship, and only give what I’m getting back. So I’ve stopped doing lots of nice things for him and even taking pics of us together.🙈
Don’t get me wrong we have a great time together and he has been understanding towards my past, but I just don’t know if relationships are for me anymore.
After coming out of an abusive relationship. I worked on myself so much. I absolutely loved being on my own, doing my own thing and creating my own happiness. I miss this so much!
I miss the freedom I fought for. I feel like I’m losing myself again.
I can’t work out if this is self sabotage?
Relationships are hard work in normal circumstances, but after an abusive relationship it’s 10 times more difficult.
I analyse and overthink everything. 🙈

[Hereforhelp]

I am wondering why he is closed off with his emotions, that’s a concern… also, what I hear loud and clear is that you were happier on your own after you got out of you last relationship… maybe spend more time alone … you still have the choice to do whatever you like in your life and if that’s being on your own then enjoy 😊
HFH ❤️

[Camel]

Analysing everything isn’t self-sabotage it’s self-preservation. It’s healthy to listen to your inner voice. It’s telling you that you’re not getting what you need from this relationship. It’s too much effort for no reward. This is perfectly OK, better than OK, as you’re putting your needs first. Do only what makes you happy.

[Watersprite]

Hi pinkheart so get this! You left your relationship to be free and live. i wonder if this relationship is you settling for something less than you deserve? . My DV worker said never settle you are great on your own now its got to be good only its got to add to a complete life you have created for yourself. Wish you well xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Pinkheart,

This post has just caught my eye at the right time as I am in a very similar situation.

Several months ago I met a guy naturally at a social event and we exchanged numbers for professional reasons. As we were in contact to (detail removed by moderator) things started to get chatty and friendly and we ended up going on a date. We got on great and started dating. He never love bombed me, was never inappropriate or vulgar, never showed any signs of jealousy or aggressiveness. He was respectful of my life and independence and everything is going well – in his mind anyway!

Within a few weeks of dating he did tell me some personal things about himself with regards to his feelings and emotions and sex drive and I have now realised he is on the Autistic spectrum and he has acknowledged this. I have done a lot of research on this and I do see how Asperger’s affects people and how it affects men in particular. We have gone beyond ‘dating’ and are now ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’. In my own mind, we are not ‘in a relationship’ as it is too soon for that to be established after just a few months and we are both still getting to know each other. Although we are ‘committed’ to each other and not dating or looking to date anyone else we are not ‘committed’ for life. So I have to weigh up where this is going… and I fully understand where you are coming from because it’s really hard isn’t it?

I like my guy very much. I’m not in love with him but I do really like him. There are things about him that are great and we do have lots to talk about, lots of common interests, he’s reliable and turns up on time and he’s happy to go along with things that I plan. However, he never plans anything or initiates anything at all and seeing each other is always down to me. He never shows affection, never compliments me, never initiates sex, however, he’ll respond if I do. He has told me he can’t express feelings at all, he can’t read my body language, he can’t pick up on how I am feeling. I have tried to have a ‘talk’ with him about my wants and needs, but this has caused him anxiety and he has gone in to ‘shut down’. Thankfully I understand that this is part of his ASD and I have not taken it personally, but without this awareness I would have done and I would have taken it as rejection. None of what he is doing is his fault, and he isn’t doing/not doing anything on purpose to make me feel c**p, but as things go on I am feeling c**p. So I’m coming to the realisation that as much as I like him and he’s a great guy he is not the guy for me due to incompatibility in some areas.

Being on this forum and being very DA aware has enabled me to realise that trying to make a relationship work that is clearly not working will eventually lead to frustration, resentment, bitterness, hurt, anger, turmoil etc, all of which makes us feel hurt, unwanted, unloved/unlovable, lonely. This leads to toxic love – a love that is very one sided from our perspective which is where we continue to do more and more for the person we like/love in the hope that eventually they will love us back the way we love them, but it is fruitless. For whatever reason, if they don’t love us or are incapable of showing us love how we want it to be shown, we are doomed for unhappiness.

A few days ago I read this on another site about unhealthy relationships…

We doubt our own judgement sometimes just for the sake of being nice. Who’s ever had the following thoughts?
He is such a [insert negative word here] sometimes but I’m sure I can manage it and maybe they are just mentally unwell and need someone to give the love and support they need to get better, besides, who else is going to want me any time soon if I leave now. I don’t want to be lonely and disappointed again, so I’ll give this a few more weeks to see if things get any better… and then X amounts of weeks, months or years later … BOOM, we are stuck in a co-dependent, n**********c abusive relationship!

Prior to meeting him I was fine by myself and living a great life with no insecurities apparent. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone and it took me by surprise how we met, actually, I loved the fact that I met someone naturally when I wasn’t even looking for anyone. The fact that this man is not showing me the emotional support that I need in a relationship is now making me feel a bit c**p. I know he is not going to change going forward no matter how much time I give this. I know that I will always have to tell him what I want from him and he won’t be able to show this naturally and if I’m totally honest with myself then it’s not something I’ll be happy with long term. Although I am posting this on a DA forum I want to make it absolutely clear that this man in NOT abusive in any way at all, he is lovely, which is why I am going to find it so hard in doing what I know I need to do. I am going to have to walk away from someone who I like, who I have some lovely times with, who I will miss very much. I can’t settle for what he has to offer me because ultimately this will destroy me and affect my self confidence and self worth. I’ve done this in my past when I was much younger – I’ve settled for men who are not right for me because I haven’t wanted to be on my own, and one of those relationships went on to be abusive and violent. I have to acknowledge the truth here and make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes from the past and end up ‘stuck’ in something with this man that is never going to lead to complete happiness and my needs fulfilled.

Telling him it’s over and knowing I’m not going to see him again is not going to be easy, but it’s something that is going to have to be done, typing this out now has made me see that.

Big hugs to you Pinkheart, I know how this feels.

xx

[Wants To Help]

I don’t know why the font after the bold type has gone in to italics, that is not intentional.

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