First time posting about controlling Muslim/Bengali parents

[browngirl99]

Hi everyone this is my first time posting on here. I been reading a lot of these posts and it feels good to know I’m not alone. I will try keep this as short as I can because I have a lot to take off my mind.

I’m a (detail removed by moderator) woman. I was raised in (detail removed by moderator) and now live in the uk. My family is Muslim, however I have stopped believing many many years ago. My parents are really traditional, their believes and values are very much dependent on the concept of culture, honour, dignity and particularly on what people think. Which is a common trait in the south asian community as you guys might know.

Since I was child I was not allowed to do many things as they believed it was going against their culture. I wasn’t allowed to meet friends, or even participate in group project outside of school. I was told to not have friendships with anyone who was a different colour and religion than me. All of which brought a lot of confusion amongst me and my classmates. In a few words I didn’t get to live through life like the other kids. Hence I had a very lonely childhood and teenage years, but the few friends I had helped me still create some good memories.

Things didn’t get any better as I got older, I thought I’d get more freedom once I turned 18 or reached my 20s or went to uni. Little did I know things would just get worse and worse. I did manage to find a bit more freedom since we moved here, but it took a lot of time and effort. Getting my first job was a nightmare, I kept getting told to quit everyday. Being yelled at for coming late (or on time!) from either work or college was and still is what awaits me everyday at home.

Till this day I’m not allowed to see friends, to go out when I want, to dress how I want. I lie to get what I can manage to get, which is horrible. I’ve become such a good lier it scares me. My reality gets distorted a lot where at times I don’t know who I am. It’s like I have two personalities. At home I’m very quiet I try very hard not start anything or trigger them in any way, but it’s difficult when my whole existence triggers them. Ive never been good enough for them in any sort of way. Outside of home I am happy and I have done things they probably would never imagine. I have drank, hung out with guys and done all sorts of things which If they found out, their whole life would fall apart. My dad walks around asking god I never ruin his reputation, that if I did he’d kill himself. I have managed to get away with a lot things. I have been very lucky on many occasions considering they tend to follow me around sometimes, usually when I’m the least prepared for it. So everyday I need to meticulously plan things for mundane things like meeting up a friend at a coffee shop.

I also happen to be a great disappointment as I’ve turned out to be an “artistic” person. I didn’t follow the education route they wanted me to choose which is obviously becoming a doctor. I was forced to do subjects I hated in school both in (detail removed by moderator) and here. Which resulted me into failing. Something they don’t know as I have lied about. I managed to get myself into uni and doing something I enjoyed. It took a lot of begging and crying and more to be able to do what I wanted. It was definitely worth it. But it did scar their reputation.

Ive been working part time for many years for several reasons and also because working less hours and days allows me to lie and see my friends. Something I wouldn’t be able to do if I worked full-time. This also means I don’t get paid enough as they think I do. Regardless of this, my parents believe I’m drowning in money. They tried taking away all my student loan, and part of it they did take because that’s what everyone else’s son or daughter has done. And the reason for this is so they can pay for my wedding, which will be arranged obviously. They expect me to pay a large amount of the rent and bills. I am happy to help and I have been trying to when I can but it’s still not enough. I still need money for myself and they have stopped helping me since we moved here. They never did help much anyway as they didn’t seem it required. Right in this moment I’m being yelled at for using up the electricity, the water and internet I am not paying for. My dad always says I owe him money for raising me.

I am just so conflicted because I do wanna help, as we are not very financially stable. But what they expect of me is beyond what I can offer at this moment. If I did decide to get a full-time position, it would mean I’d get to help them but my freedom would go out of the window. So would my mental wellbeing.

So I’ve been stuck in this situation for my whole life and I’m so scared to come out of it. I’m constantly being yelled at, emotionally manipulated, constantly compared to other people, forced to believe I am horrible person and not worthy of love. Suicide threats, death threats and regret of my birth have been getting thrown at me since I remember. It’s hard, I’ve watched my mum being verbally abused by my dad her whole life. And everything was all made to look fine. Like it’s normal to live in a household where you get constantly shouted at.

They are also quite racist to anyone who isn’t from (detail removed by moderator). They hate all my friend and dislike it when I get shown any type of affection. So I pretend I don’t have friends and all I do is work. Which makes them define me as arrogant and stingy. Also not to mention how during the last couple of years they have become quite hardcore believers in islam and have been devotedly practicing. Which has lead them to shout at me for not practicing. I get forced to pray and right now I have to fast as it’s ramadan.

And I mentioned about marriage above and wanted to say how that’s how they want to get rid of me. They’re so sick of me being around I can see it and feel it. And the only way they know for me to leave is to marry me off. They attempted to sat me up without my knowledge when I was (detail removed by moderator). They tried setting me up with someone who needed a visa to stay in this country. I’ve been pushing and avoiding this topic for all these years, and now I’m hearing comments about how I’m getting too old and how everyone’s kid they know have been married off.

I know many of you are probably thinking why won’t I leave. But here’s the problem, both of my parents are not physically well. My dad has heart problems, (detail removed by moderator). My mum is diabetic and has a lot of underlying issues. So everything I do affects them on a more intense level. I have been blamed for their health issues many times.

I have tried to leave on two occasion. The first time was when I got treated really badly by them because my phone got stolen (detail removed by moderator). I decided in that moment I had to go. It was a very impulsive decision which just led me to being punched by my dad and my mum supporting him, yelling (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t get to leave that night.

The second time was a more recent event. I was being hit by mum as I was refusing to pray. She was slapping me, scratching and ripping my hair. She broke my (detail removed by moderator) and that was when again I lost control. I threatened them saying I would call the police. And as I did my mum (detail removed by moderator). Again I didn’t get to leave.

Im just really scared. As much I get treated the way I do, I don’t wish them bad. I don’t wanna be the reason why they die or their health deteriorates. We do have good times and happy moments, which always feel so frail and vanish really quickly. And I know they’ve done a lot for me and still are everyday. Living in a place where you don’t know the language where you get mocked, where you had to work hard to just afford things. It wasn’t easy for them.

I don’t know how to explain it. They’re bad but not too bad. This probably shows how conflicted and illogical my thoughts are. The thing is I know most of their threats are empty threats (e.g. the death ones towards me) but Im also not too sure about the suicidal once.

Also I have a younger sister. I dunno where she stands in this situation as its hard for us to speak about things due to our (detail removed by moderator) age gap. Only now we are getting a bit closer. She’s much more preferred by them compared to me. She’s quite passive and follows most of the things they say. She practices the religion and sometimes looks down on me on certain things. Maybe my mum had a better hold on her when she was younger and managed to brainwash her. Something she couldn’t do with me for some reason. Or maybe she’s learned from my mistakes and just tried to make the best out of the situations. When I try to talk about her about this topic, or about where I stand and what I want she becomes a bit strange. Trying to talk to her about these things is something I’m still working on.

I don’t want her to ever take sides, and I’m happy she is not going through most of the things I did, and I have been trying to help her out when I could. I can see that she’s fluctuating between my world and our parents and I don’t really know what to do. I do want her to be able to make her choice and decide for herself whether she’s ok with how our parens treat us or not. She’s another reason I’m afraid to leave. I don’t want my decision to backlash on her which I think it will. All the pressure I have on me is already shifting on her as she still might have a chance to not turn up like me. If I’m gone I don’t know what’s gonna happen. They might take her back to (detail removed by moderator) or i dunno. Whatever they do I know she probably won’t fight back as I feel like it’s not in her nature. And probably leaving them alone without anyone would be heartbreaking. And it’s heartbreaking for me to just even imagine leaving them. They rely on me a lot from money to shopping, to their medication, to help out with the language as they’ve never been fluent in either (detail removed by moderator) or English.

I’m not allowed to call anyone here and I have no privacy to do so but I will try talking to a professional who knows more about this kind of situations. I’m just scared as the last time I did, which was in college, things backfired as I wasn’t told they’d get social services involved and go to my house. That time of my life is something I want to forget. So I’m really hesitant about who I want to speak to. I also feel like I can’t talk about this to anyone anymore as most of my friends seem fed up, or just can’t relate, or just have their own life to worry about. So I’ve come here, hoping someone will listen.

It was really hard for me to write this so I apologise if some things don’t make sense. I had to omit a lot of things to avoid this to be any longer than it is already. I think it’s the first time I written down about my life like this. Ive always been afraid that people might think I’m just playing the victim. I know some people do already. I know that this whole situation can only be dealt with by me taking a decision and that everything that is happening now its because of me not being able to do that. And I’ve been dealing with this my whole life and I’ve grown to be resilient also thanks to the few people that kept pushing me to go forward.

But I do fall apart everyday trying to figure out what to do and how to handle things. But I just can’t decide. And it hurts a lot. I hope I didn’t bore you guys with this essay. I’ll be grateful to anyone who even bothers reading this. Thank you.

 

 

 

[Lisa]

Hi Browngirl99

I just wanted to show you some support. Yes you are not alone, I am glad other posts have helped you to realise this.

I am sorry to hear about your situation, your parents are very controlling and emotionally abusive to you. It’s really concerning that they have also been physically abusive to you. It is not fair for them to treat you like this, you have done nothing wrong.

You could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service for support, https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ they are separate to the police and social services, they will believe you, they can discuss your options with you.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

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