17th November 2021 at 6:02 pm #134165
The following is from Melanie Tonia Evans’ blog. I found it extremely true to my experiences of leaving and having this information plus support from Women’s Aid was what made the difference on my 5th attempt to leave and stay away.
Thought I’d share. Her article is specifically about narcissistic abusers, but I think there’s lots of useful information there to help anyone leaving any abuser, whether you’d apply the N word or not…..
“Today I want to talk to you about breaking up with a n********t, and 5 key steps to help you go through that tumultuous time, without being destroyed.
Breaking up with a n********t is one of the most terrifying things that you can do. This is regardless of whether you decide the relationship is over, or the n********t does.
What I am sharing with you today is applicable with any n********t. This could be your spouse, lover, family member or friend.
N********t don’t play fair. They don’t care about others. They feel entitled to whatever they can get from you and have convinced themselves that you need to be punished, because according to the n********t the ending of the relationship is your fault. It’s a way they preserve their False Self, the ego, to avoid taking any personal responsibility themselves.
This is all very convenient for the n********t to feel justified about the disgusting way they behave during a breakup. It’s all part of the vengeful vindication they seek.
Today, I want to grant you my combined emotional and practical tips to help you get through this.
Breathe deeply and let’s get started!
Number 1 – Stop Expecting Decency
Where many people go wrong when leaving a n********t, is assuming or hoping that the n********t will behave like a decent human being. They don’t. They don’t want consideration, equity and closure in a breakup.
Of course, anyone who is hurt can behave in ways that are not nice. Yet, decent people come to their senses, they have a conscience and are capable of doing the right thing. Plus, they are sane enough to realise ongoing drama and non-closure is not healthy for anyone.
This is not how narcissists think. They use breakups for their self-serving agenda, to create drama, pain and suffering to others in order to feel significant, and take whatever they can. These attempts will be for the home, the business, money in bank accounts, possessions and even the custody of the children. What you need to move on is irrelevant to the n********t. Typically, what is best for the children doesn’t figure either.
It’s incredibly important you to get VERY clear that the n********t is not going to cooperate and do the right thing.
If you spend your energy on trying to force the n********t to “be nice” the nastier they get. What is a much better expenditure of your energy is to arm yourself with the strategies and emotional solidness you need to get through this and get out of this relationship emotionally, physically and materially in the safest, cleanest and most powerful way.
Let me help you understand these steps …
Number 2 – Know Thy Enemy
You need to strategise. I will go even further than that. You need to plan secretively.
If you are the one doing the leaving, secure money, a place to go and any of the supplies and furniture that you wish to get out without the n********t knowing.
You may feel bad about this. You may worry
about the n********t’s reaction to this, and smearing of you to others about this.
Your survival, recovery and Thriving after narcissistic abuse necessitates giving yourself FULL permission to do what it takes to look after yourself.
You are literally in a WAR, so stop trying to adhere to your version of the right thing to do. Let go of what other people may think about you – what is important is what you think and know about you and your situation. When you are trying to disentangle yourself from a pathological dark Soul, you are pushed to extremes. You don’t need to justify this to anyone!
I promise you, once the cracks appeared in your relationship, the n********t was likely strategising how to get the most out of this when it all goes down. He or she could have already set up alternative sources of narcissistic supply (replacements for you), as well as hiding money or doing whatever is possible to make sure they have the upper hand.
I can’t tell you how many people have been shocked to the core regarding the n********t’s behaviour when they have left. Sad but true!
If you give an inch, the n********t will take a mile. If you offer your neck in submission, they will rip your throat out. If you try to reason and make a deal, they will deceive you.
When making your exit plans, also, be very careful who you share your exit plans with. Narcissists are very good at infiltrating your nearest and dearest for information.
Number 3 – Emotional Self-healing And Support
Emotionally and energetically supporting yourself is vital when trying to get through the inevitable breakup tsunami. The n********t is not likely to take you leaving lying down. The n********t knows how to get to you and will unleash this on you.
The n********t may ignore you, because he or she knows this makes your head tick. Or they may parade a new supply all over social media so that you see you have been replaced. It could be trying to turn your family and children against you. It could be sending you threatening messages or guilting you and making insane accusations that trigger you into defending yourself. Or they may hoover you with crocodile tears, false promises and finally telling you all the things that you have wanted to hear. Or perhaps the n********t will start attacking you with authorities and minions.
This is the danger period, where the n********t attempts to get control over you again. Please be warned that this never works out well. There hasn’t been a magic wand waved where a n********t has all of a sudden become a nice person, or your acquiescing to certain threats, is going to defer or defuse a potential narcissistic assault.
Quite the opposite. If you get triggered into breaking No or Modified Contact (Modified Contact meaning all contact through a third part only for practical matters) then you are back on the hook, exactly where the n********t wants you.
This is all about the n********t’s ego, it has nothing to do with caring for you or your relationship. Maybe he or she wants to reconnect with you. If this occurs, you will find the cycle of trauma intensifies (the periods of being devalued and discarded by the n********t get worse) because the n********t will now punish you for trying to leave.
Perhaps the n********t will never take you back, but enjoys tormenting you now, on the side, with his or her new supply. Or with promises of “one day doing the right thing”, which of course never comes.
I can’t tell you how many people do the in and out dance with a n********t, every time losing more rights, Life Force, sanity and health and well as resources. All the time whilst the n********t takes more and more, dangles carrots and smashes them with bigger sticks. I was one of these people, ultimately leading to my final psychotic breakdown.
It’s usual, terrifying and Soul destroying to not be able to leave, stay away and heal effectively.
This is why I am very passionate about supporting you, so that when you leave you have the mindset, tools and ability to get through this!
The greatest weapon to have in your arsenal against a n********t is the ability to release and reprogram the panic, anxiety and shock, as well as terrible injustices, heartbreak and anger that arise.
You can also start healing through the aftershock that comes after leaving a n********t. The sooner the better, because now with the space and time to finally feel the onslaught of emotions from the abuse that happened over the last week, month and year, you may be shocked at how after leaving you start to feel worse, instead of relief.
It is always my highest suggestion for people who are thinking about leaving, or who have left, to check out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) as soon as possible. This helps support you emotionally and moves you through the temptation to re-hook and get derailed by the n********t. NARP also connects you to expert support from my incredible Thriver Private Community.
We have seen it all and helped thousands of people from all over the world stay supported, strong and effective in their rebuild after narcissistic abuse – no matter what their situation is.
Number 4 – Become Anti-fear
It’s vital to understand that narcissists are empty dark Souls who feed off other people’s negative emotions.
Without your fear, pain and heartbreak a n********t has no power over you. If the n********t can get an emotional reaction from you, they still have you in their psychically enmeshed grasp.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is literally a spiritual battle for your Soul. What this means is you have to let go of needing this person to change, do something, be held accountable or anything else to change for you to get out of the pain and fear. That all equals how to lose this war.
If you keep doing the work inside of you to release and let go of what hurts and reprogram your inner trauma (NARP assists with that powerfully) then you will start feeling your True Self.
This is YOUR confidence, power, determination, solid feelings and knowing that you are supported by a Higher Force than yourself. This is True Source and your true essence that you are taking back, which the n********t’s false power is no match for.
In short, your TRUE mission is to do enough inner work that you are no longer triggered into negative emotions. Therefore, no matter what the n********t does you are no longer feeding the situation. The n********t can’t get from you the energetic bullets to shoot you with.
Without your negative energy and attention (narcissistic supply) the n********t runs out of steam. Tactics stop working on you. People cease believing the n********t, and their plans fall flat. They get triggered and expose themselves.
Support networks and “events” (including legal ones) start working in your favour.
The most successful people in this community leaving n********t are those who:
1) Work on their Inner Being to become untriggered and “emotionally over” the n********t very quickly (this can happen in weeks or months) and then,
2) Walk a very straight clear, logical, untriggered line. They don’t answer any emotional contact. They simply reply with “this is what I will agree to” “This is what I don’t agree to” over practical matters. They stop dancing around the n********t’s wounds trying to get a deal. They just stand up, deliver and go for what they want, calmly methodically and factually. These successful people go on the offensive.
In dealing in court settlements with a n********t it’s important to not try to diagnose “narcissism”. Don’t get triggered with the rubbish that comes at you and just expose the paper trail of facts.
Narcissists are loose. They shoot themselves in the foot. They lie, they abuse, they mess up. And they do this so much more when you have detached. If to you, emotionally they have become unimportant, and you are not feeding them any of your energy anymore, it’s the ultimate insult to a n********t.
In fact, so much that clients of mine and members of our NARP community have experienced narcissists capitulating, and settling quickly, because they simply can’t be connected to someone who couldn’t emotionally care less about them anymore.
In my 10 plus years in the bunkers helping people leave, recover and then Thrive from narcissistic abuse, I really want you to know that there is a powerful straight line you can take when you heal powerfully from narcissists – from the inside out – and then show up without being triggered and fearful of what they may or may not do.
If you deal in integrity, calm and inner strength, this is formidable. Narcissists are no match for this.
Number 5 – Take On Becoming Your Own Source
N********t don’t do the right thing when leaving the relationship, and they certainly don’t do the right things after it ends.
In the case of your children, they are not going to be a decent co-parent, because narcissists don’t cooperate.
He or she is not going to want to emotionally support you or help you in the future, unless they can spin it back for their own benefit and agenda – using you for their own purposes or to continue getting the vindication of being able to further hurt you.
With co-parenting, a n********t is unlikely to provide financial support or look after the children responsibly when they are in their care.
If you have to continue on with a n********t in the future because of co-partnering, or family events in the case of a family member, or because they are in the area or circles or profession that you mix in – detach. Let go of any expectation, connection or requirement from them.
This can be very difficult to do when you are trying to co-parent or co-exist, yet when you understand that this is the greatest opportunity for you to model for yourself how to heal, be empowered self-actualised and whole and be able to generate your own love, approval, security and survival then you have no need for the n********t to grant or give your anything.
You also lead the way for your children to know that trying to force someone without the desire or resources to do the right thing, means that you will be victimized and abused. Yet, when you become a Source to self, with True Source (all of the healthy opportunities and people in life) you leave a life of lack, pain and disappointment behind and start living a life of plenty, inspiration, joy and growth with no need for the pain ever again.
This may sound easier said than done, yet it is incredibly true. Many people in our community within a very short amount of time, as a result of Thriver Healing from narcissistic abuse, break free from dependencies and connections with narcissists, and start living more abundantly empowered lives than they ever previously have.
They also start experiencing how glorious it is to attract and sustain healthy, whole and empowered relationships far superior to those they had with psychic vampires.
I hope that this has helped you understand that being smart, doing inner healing, detaching and working at taking your power back, is so important when dealing with a n********t.
Maybe you have already broken up and didn’t know this information (just as I didn’t once upon a time) and tried to leave in “all the wrong ways”. You may be in the throes of the continued abuse, the n********t not letting you have access to your things, punishing you as much as possible and suffering the cruelty of what the n********t is capable of doing.
No matter where you are at with this journey, including if you are the one who was discarded and left, please know the Thriver inner work will help you to stop feeling like you are losing your mind and Soul, and help you detach, heal and take your Soul, sanity and Life Force back.
It will also allow you to tackle the n********t logically and legally from a position of being in your power.
17th November 2021 at 8:13 pm #134166
Ive been really trying this week to learn, arm myself with as much info I possibly can so I can finally step up admit whats going on and start to do something about it. From what is being said here as with alot of what ive read the first thing to work on is self. Self esteme self belief and self confidence. Without these you cant trust yourself to know and believe what you are dealing with, you need these atributes to help you find inner strength to leave, trust that you can do it courage to seek help am I right? Once we have at least sone of these, some confidence and trust in ourselves once we have that then maybe we will be ready to leave.
Whilst we are working on these we also need to plan, and even pretend so they dont suspect anything. Its certainly alot to take on isnt it?
This is an amazing post given me alot to think about as it will others im sure. Thank you @greyrock xxxx
17th November 2021 at 11:30 pm #134194
Yes these thing have all been a part of my recovery since leaving. An abuser systematically erodes these things though, leaving us like an empty she’ll. For me I had to leave first and heal after. I was like a goldfish in a bowl of poison. Spiritually sick. And his presence was the poison. We all have our own journeys but for me is just had to be that way round. I left in desperation in the end, second guessing every thought, feeling and opinion I had. I couldn’t have got well there.
Good luck with your journey to freedom.
18th November 2021 at 12:12 pm #134210
18th November 2021 at 12:24 pm #134211BananaboatParticipant
This is helpful. I’m trying to be strong and say it’s over but can feel him trying to hook me to stay and give it more chances, feeling very conflicted and unclear on which route I’ll follow so things like this help.x
19th November 2021 at 6:10 am #134252Kitkat44Participant
Thank you for sharing this grey-rock.
I certainly get what you mean about their presence. I can be bumbling along all happily during the day and he gets home and Mine almost sucks the good/positive/certainty out of me a bit like those characters in Harry Potter, I think they were called death eaters.
Sending love xx
19th November 2021 at 10:49 am #134267SecretlifeParticipant
Thank you so much Grey Rock for sharing this. I have just failed at my first attempt to leave, but the fire within me is still burning and I desperately want to get out of this relationship. So, your post is enormously supportive and helpful as I need to look at doing and planning things differently in my next attempt. I don’t know what I would do without this forum and all the knowledge on it, once again, thank you xx
19th November 2021 at 9:05 pm #134301How2walkawayParticipant
Hello I’m new to here, iv been with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years and all iv had is emotional and in the past physical abuse. When he drinks he is nasty. I get called a fat state when he argues with me. tells me he doesn’t love me. I have been to weddings and everyone he has ruined and been a bully during it to the point he has had to leave. I want to walk away but tbh I’m scared of being in my own and scared of change.im stuck..thank you for taking time to read this
19th November 2021 at 9:31 pm #134302
Hey and welcome sweetie you are certainly not alone. Read theough some of the posts on here we are all with you on your journey.
A huge well done for reaching out and finding this forum. Its an amazing place for ladies like us. Use it read post learn and know we have all got your back and understand just what you are going through. Hugs xx
19th November 2021 at 9:45 pm #134303How2walkawayParticipant
Thank you, I just don’t know what to do,I don’t want him to have anyone else and that will hurt and I know he will treat her like it also and just being alone. My family and friends say to leave him and sitting on the fence I know I need to I just don’t know why I can’t 🤦. Big hugs to you all x*x
19th November 2021 at 10:08 pm #134305
People on the outside can always say leave them they think its so easy but it really isnt when you are living this life. It sounds as if you have some great support in your life and you will need tgose people to lean on and help you but at the end of the day only you can make that choice to leave. It takes great strength and courage i believe not managed it myself either so im not sure i can help you but know that you are not alone and there are some amazing women on here that can help you better than i ever could. By coming on here by reaching out took braveey and courage so you do have that sweetie time to look deep within and work out what you really want for your life. Like i said b4 read posts on here they will help, use your outside support and believe in yourself xxxxx
30th November 2021 at 7:19 pm #134956
Hi Howtowalkaway and everyone else who posted.
Sorry, I only just saw the notifications about the responses. Oops.
Just keep reading and posting. Maybe take the time to develop an exit strategy in case the time comes when you are ready to leave. A list of emergency telephone numbers, a few days clothes and toiletries ready and hidden safely somewhere (buy on get on free offers are good opportunities to build up a supply of what you’d need), along with your important personal documents (birth certificate, passport, qualification certification, etc). Also a list of online accounts to change passwords for in case they’re saved on anything in the house. (I came unstuck the first couple of attempts to leave when he got into accounts and read things / bought stuff I couldn’t afford leaving me financially disadvantaged). When my ex finally escalated his behaviour and I needed to get out of the house immediately I was so glad I’d prepared this stuff. I like you could see the situation was unhealthy and damaging to me, but was reluctant to give up on the person I’d fallen in love with (even though that person disappeared fairly early on).
So, I’d suggest just keep learning and be prepared.
30th November 2021 at 8:11 pm #134960
Needed to read this again today. Thank you x
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