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Hi there,
We are almost (detail removed by moderator) separated and I am only just realising he was abusing me through out our relationship and marriage. I’m having flashbacks of things that happened a long time ago. When we used to walk home from pubs he would leave me on my own (in dangerous part of town) usually without warning to get more drink or drugs. I would walk rest of way on my own. One time he decided to scare me my jumping on my back and on this occasion I fell and broke my finger. He said it was an accident. Next morning I said it hurt he said it’s just a bruise. I asked him to come to a&e for X-ray he said go on your own. I went and lied (embarrassed)about how it happened. It was broken and had a little cast. When I came home I told him, he said sorry he didn’t mean it. When I complained it hurt and I was worried having time off work he said stop going on about it or it’s just a finger. He hated me telling mutual friends how it happened because I was making him look bad. Our mutual friends laughed it off with him, no one cared that I was upset about it.
After therapy and solicitor informing me I feel responsible for learning more about how I let this happen. But he has a mask of the charming naughty boy, friends dont know the whole story. Not half of it. When he’s with mutual friends I feel anxious and upset. Sometimes I want to tell them everything but I know it won’t help. I am thinking I need to distance myself from these friends. On the basis they will never understand.
I am confused because he said it was an accident so was it domestic violence? Another time he spilt hot drinks on me (again by accident) then shouted verbal abuse at me to clear it up. Also having flashbacks of lots of other things he did and I seem to be one minute depressed, one minute angry. I just don’t know who I am anymore. Any advice would be really appreciated. -
This is awful. I’m reaching out to you this morning with solidarity.
Things will come up like this, and when they do it is not at all easy, not at all.What I can offer is that at these times it is especialy important it seems to be as kind to yourself as you possibly can. I’m noticing that you are almost separated.
It is going to take time. Everyone is different but those who haven’t experienced it sometimes struggle understanding what flashbacks are and how distressing they can be.
Other ladies may have different things to offer on here.
Just to say I was thinking and wishing you well this morning. You can do this.
all best
ftc
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This sounds very similar to my first weeks of freedom. I ended up much more afraid than I had been with my abuser. It got better over time though. I would write your flashbacks down. I found that really helpful to keep my resolve strong to stay out. I hope things go well with the mediation and that you are managing to cut your contact with him down to the bare minimum required for your kids and the house. Reducing contact should reduce the triggers and flashbacks. It did for me anyway. Good luck with the mediation.
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Thanks for that Tiffany. It is tricky as he has the children at the house I live in. He still very much plays the control card when we speak, for example I try to leave house to do shopping and he will ring me to come back an hour earlier than agreed and tell me I’m late and then lie about the time we agreed. He will use mediation to bully me but i think I need to go to show willing.
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Alisewonderland,
It is hidden abuse, which he tried to cover by innocent accidents. Only when out – you are realising what was done to you and you can see everything much more clear.
My first abuser – poised me with food on holidays, (Detail removed by moderator). I was so sick for days, living in the bathroom, had extreme dehydration for days, I could not get up. I begged to call doctor or take to hospital, he was what are you moaning about it. For 5 days I was so ill. (Detail removed by moderator) food poising is very dangerous.
And I had many accidents like this with him.
He always like – get on with it. Stop moaning and complaining, you are a p***y.
i had tooth pain and despite I have been working, I have to ask the permission to go to the dentist and pay for the treatment. I was waiting at least three weeks with pain, and he was saying the same thing again. Then I could not handle anymore, I have just went to the dentist, took money and paid.
I have food allergy and he was intentionally feeding me with the food for which I had allergy, as he cooked.
At some point – I could not have sex with him for months – as I had a problem, any attempts of penetration was not possible, it just closed. I went to the doctor – I remember, she asked me was I raped ? or any trauma happened?
I said – no, i was in so much denial. Then she put me on medication, as I had big abdominal pain. My period completely stopped. I was not getting my periods for many months and then I need to get them artificially with medication. the whole body was screaming to me – it is too much.
I should have paid attention to it. But he was confusing, told me it is my life which caused that, but in fact it just my body was reacting to his abuse.
Or he will put me to very dangerous situations or made me to do some things which were not fully legal.
I was so young and too scared.
I’m sure now he is capable of killing and he told me before – he can hire someone to throw acid on me, he will not even make his own hands dirty, he can find people who ready to do this for money. -
Dear Fridges
Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds truly horrific what he put you through. I hope you are out of it now and safe.My partner also made me do things that were illegal, they may seem small to other people. For example taking responsibility for his driving offence , I had to do speed awareness. (Detail removed by moderator). The other things I won’t mention on here but I was always living in fear and he loved the fact I wasn’t able to confide in anyone because he had full power. He would hate if I got ill he would say don’t accept it, and be mad if I asked for help with kids or shopping. Weeks after my c section he asked his mum to mind the baby so I could give the house a proper clean (carrying hoover up down stairs etc). I never realised at the time it was abuse. He still doesn’t realise it now, keeps saying it was my fault as well.
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