Flashbacks affecting every day life

[Recall]

Recently, I have been having starting to relive experiences I had while I was in a previous abusive relationship. Only now upon these flashbacks do I realise, how manipulative, controlling, domineering and out right volatile the relationship was and I seriously question why I said. He made me do things I didnt want to do, even when I expressed verbally and physically that I didnt want to. Over the last few weeks I have been starting to experience nightmares/ night terrors where I feel like I am reliving the moment completely, feeling like he is physically there but I cant wake up from it, and once I finally do I am drenched in sweat and having a full on panic attack while hyperventilating. The more worrying part now is that I am experiencing flashback like vision almost every day, doesnt have to be for any particular reason but I see it all replay in my head and my moods and personality alter completely.

I was wondering if anyone could offer me advice or guidance on how to manage or even cope?

[fridges]

Hello, recall, my therapist tried to explain to me about this. As I still have like you similar situation, nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, not feeling safe and the picture is constantly in front of my eyes.
For example – I need to get rid of everything what is associated with him,I could not even put the dress on, if this dress worn and he seen it. I have these associations and it triggers me.
So I did the big clear out – I started to sell all these things.
It did help me, as I felt I eliminate him from my life on every level.
Or I even can not go to the places – I ever went with him, it triggers me badly, specially if the rape happened there.
Therapist told me – this is all happening, as our mind did not make just a memory out of it. It is raw and not processed material stored in our brain. The brain does it – when you have this big trauma. It stores in the raw way.
And to do deal with it – you need to do the therapy, so these information in your brain will be processed in a correct way, so that it will become just memory, but not a trauma.
I’m going to have my first session specially working on trauma. EMDR – it is called – Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing. It helps you to heal in a natural way. Helps your brain to heal like your body during the sleep.

When you are out only then you see fully what was done to you. For a moment I was feeling I’m kind of labeled, I could not understand why me? I was once in an abusive relationship, then second time I was straight in other, which turned million times worse than first experience.

[Recall]

Hello, fridges…

The recalls have gotten so much worse when this ex sat two seats infront of my one the bus. The panic attack was unreal, the pain in my chest and the fear. I got so frustrated because how can one person still hold so much control over you even once they arent there anymore. I had buried everything that had happened and question why its all coming back now, there are days where I go for a scolding hot shower and just scrub at my skin because I feel tainted in some way but I know that not to be true. My therapist says that I have to wait for treatment until August but I feel the nightmares and flashbacks are becoming more and more regular, more detail and more terrifying. I dont know what I can do 🙁

[fridges]

I’m very sorry, that you saw him again. Did he see you too?
You need to have a plan – an exit plan. I call it – how to protect myself and what I should do if I ever come him across.
Like – I have decided, that if he comes any near me – I call police and ask to remove this man.
I never ever again engage in any conversation with him, not under any circumstances. As he is not reasonable person and he only does gaslighting, manipulation, mind games, blackmailing and so on.
Also I never stay with him alone – this promise I gave myself, when rape happened, and he did again and again. And before I told him – that I do not want, and how it made me feel.
I know I will freak out if I ever need to see him, I will be in the mess.
My trigger was when got in touch wishing me merry Christmas, he was blocked on my phone for a while and he found a way to get to me through email.
I was shaking, I was emotional, with all what you are saying now, panic attacks, nightmares, could not sleep, eat, only crying non stop, for hours.
Then I called helplines, and started to speak what happened. I was at very bad place, then to my luck I found therapist and I’m going to see her every week. The first sessions, I always felt worse and it was very sore to say what he is done. But I knew I have to do it, in order to help me.
I hope you will get the therapy soon and somehow will manage until then.
What helping me now – to be on the forum, to read relevant books, to nourish me becoming stronger, to set boundaries, to keep promises which I give to myself, to set new plan, how I spend time. I try to do things which make me feel stronger – like listening to podcasts, recently i started to go to the gym, cut all alcohol.
Even this was a big effort, the first day I walked in and men were there, I felt so scared.
Do everything, what you think will help you to make you more empowered, more motivated, to pull out.
It is sad what they do. They are back on the track for the new victim and we are left having trauma, trying to collect the parts which were broken and damaged. They leave totally normal life and we are left so wounded.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Recall,

I just wanted to say I am struggling with the same thing, you are not alone. I think what Fridges wrote is really good advice, about trauma stored in the body causing the flashbacks and how we have to heal that trauma. Like you I have been beating myself up for not having ‘moved on from it by now’ but we have to be compassionate with ourselves, if it had been a normal relationship we would have moved on (I always have in the past) but an abusive relationship creates trauma which needs much more work and healing.

I am waiting for therapy and struggling but there are some books I’m going to order which everyone keeps recommending. One is called The Body Keeps the Score about how trauma is stored in the body. Look it up on amazon or maybe see if your library has it because it might help explain what you’re going through and help. Please don’t hurt yourself with hot showers and scrubbing. When you feel like that, just think of your inner child. Think ‘does she deserve this? What does she need right now instead?’ It always helps me when I am going into a bad place dissociating and just sat in my chair, not showering etc. Then I remember my inner child and I get up and give ‘her’ a shower and get her some food. Sounds a bit crazy but it works (there is a book called Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self’ about inner child work, I have not read it yet but it’s another one in my Amazon shopping cart).

[Recall]

Hi Fridges and SunshineRainflower,

I thank you so very much for the advice. I sounds strange but in such a dark time its feels like im finally not on my own with what has happened. Its been (Detail removed by moderator) years since that horrific relationship but the fact that the abuse (mentally, verbally, sexually and physical all seem to be embedded into me that that is what a relationship is “meant to be like”, I feel like that is normal terrifies me. I don’t know where to begin to speak about it because no one knows and the sad part is I dont even think he thought he was doing anything wrong, no matter how much I expressed how it made me feel, he didnt care! I constantly doubt myself, continually worry about whos around me and who is watching, I am so angry that he does this, doesnt realise he has done wrong then gets to pretend that life is normal whereas im left with a broken, scarred and warped sense of what “normal” is!

[fridges]

Hello, Recall,
You are not alone, here you have supportive women and ca understand what you went through. I kept silent about my abuse, as I was ashamed, feeling guilty, self blaming, I felt like am I labeled for men…Come and abuse me, I’m available after it happened to me twice.
Plus before that I raped at young age, and it happened not once. I came from very poor family and from abroad. In my country they think – you have no money, then men has the full right to do anything to you.
And not only men. I had my school friend – who had the mentality to set me up with two men for money. I was a virgin, they raped me. Later I understood that she actually sold me.
I kept questioning why me? Why all these happened to me?
Like I’m labeled for the abuse?
I hope these all behind me and I will be able to build the life I deserve. It was a long path to learn to love myself, I’m still learning to do it.
There could be good relationships, respectful, supportive, but the most important we need to learn to comfort ourself and be the best friend to ourself.

[Recall]

Dear Fridges,

I am so relieved to read its not just me that thinks I send out some sort of siren call that says come treat me like a doormat and use me for anything, even when I object…
I know your right, I cant rely on others to respect and support me if I cant see how much I owe living my life for me and look out for me for a change. I understand that life can be rubbish, and can seriously try to knock you off track and send you down the wrong path but sometimes I forget to pause and think about, even though the abuse happened to me (in multiple different ways, by multiple different people) without them I wouldn’t be who I am today. Yeah I know I’m slightly unhinged and have my good and bads days/moments but I don’t have to let the past define my future. The flashbacks are awful, and I don’t think you can ever explain to someone how real they feel unless they have experienced it or had them themselves. Its something I would never place upon anyone, even my worst enemy. Don’t get me wrong there are days that I cant leave my bed/house out of fear and anxiety but I also have to remember the days that I have that are good for me, may seem just an ordinary day to someone else but to me its a day not constantly worrying and fearing the unknown. Does that make sense?
Talking to womans aid and writing with yourself/the forum has helped me feel understood, unashamed and stronger because you let me express feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, anger and so on without judgement but with true understanding. I don’t feel so ashamed to admit what he did was wrong, its not just something men are “entitled to” when in a relationship, its not something I should be manipulated and threatened into, its not meant to be rape…it should never be but finally saying and acknowledging that that’s what he and others did to me doesn’t make it seem so shameful and as if it was my fault anymore. And for that I cant thank anyone enough….

[Author]

Posts