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I expected a flashback to be like lightning. A flash of a memory.
In my experience it doesn’t work like that. It’s more like being stuck in a bubble or capsule from the past which I can’t get out of. These times can be momentary, or last for minutes, days, often a week.
I have tools now to pop the bubble.
Those tools don’t work when that bubble is my reality. It’s really frighteningI’ve endured major depression and I thought for a long time that it was genetic. Although I may have been predisposed, I think now that it was more likely to have been triggered by trauma after trauma after trauma, being brought up by parents who really had barely left the playpen themselves, and being surrounded by domestic abuse and alcohol.
I think I’m lucky. That dreadful bubble does pop. In that capsule lies madness.
Trauma is something we all have to cope with. It’s amazing how well the women who post here are dealing with it.
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I’m going through this too especially in work situations I’m about to start another new job as I’ve decided to run. I can’t deal with manipulating people bullies well I’m almost frozen to the spot dealing with them I’m now even going into placate mode with them xx I do think it time for me anyway to get help for cptsd but where do we turn xx your description is better than mines MD the whole feeling of this is all abit garbled in my mind xx
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Thank you all for your kind words. Earlier this year, and well into adulthood I became an orphan. Grief is a strange thing. It made me think of a childhood friend who endured prolonged and awful bouts of severe mental illness. He subsequently sort of grew out of it and lived for many years, med free, ok, a bit eccentric, but ok. Until he became an orphan. Since then he’s been trapped in the capsule of trauma and madness.
My current thinking is that much of what we understand as madness is a normal survival response to more trauma than we can process.
I really hope my friend will be able to chip away at it and recognise that he has been safe. He has been ok.
There will be moments in all our lives, however brief, when we’ve felt safe. Those moments are our lifelines.
Those bubbles of horror are quite big in my life at the moment. Some of them are lessening, and some have dissolved. Some of them are massive and horrifying.
The beginning of my own trauma journey started with Rape Crisis and Women’s Aid. It was the beginning of my journey of understanding trauma.
As always, baby steps!
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