FLIGHT/FIGHT/FREEZE

[Same-again]

I want to write a book. I want to validate my fight response and others. I know (now) that most people do flight or freeze. I didn’t/don’t.
I fight.
I talked to a lovely IVA (not sure that’s the term) today and when I told her I fought back she said ‘I won’t write that down’.
Why is my/this response so unacceptable?
Why must I conform to the stereotypical ‘victim’.
Why is my response not valid. It is.

Not saying it’s a good idea (it’s not btw-escalates the violence) but why is it not a valid response to someone hurting you, assaulting you. Bullying you. Belittling you. Raging at you. Why?

Why is my response not valid/acceptable.

Am I as bad as HIM?

Perhaps. I’d rather it not be so black and white.

You’re only a REAL victim if your did flight/freeze.

I (not always) fought back. So, am I abusive (as HE says) or is this a valid response to his behaviour.

I want to be honest. I do not hide/deny my actions. If I am at fault then so be it.

I think this issue will be more relevant as time moves on. As in there will be more of people like me who fight back. Are we any less the victim. Maybe?

I’d love your thoughts and don’t worry – I prefer honesty.

[Scapegoat]

Same-again, I am just like you-I have got to the point where I can take no more(but can’t resolve it) so I fight back. I agree with you -so it’s okay for you (OH) to call me every name under the sun, threaten to do the most horrible things to me, make up a complete load of lies about me and what I have done (but i haven’t), tell me to F*** off if I don’t like it and leave and smash my stuff up. In addition to keeping me isolated (me having to shield is his ultimate fantasy).
On the other hand-It makes me feel guilty if I have a go back which I put down to being a decent human being. I want to know why he does it. I feel he there is some truth when he says I’m the one with the problem. I’m not always angry, I cry, I retreat, I go into autopilot.
I suppose Sameagain two wrongs don’t make a right and behaving like he does, if you’re complaining about it and acting the same way back then maybe it invalidates the fact you’re a victim. I don’t know, I agree with you that why should we put up with it, but I suppose there’s a right way of dealing with it (I just put up with it and am hence a nervous wreck) I suppose also that it gives them the exact ammunition that they want but its hard to just keep ignoring abuse when it happens so often.
Hope you get the answers you want

[Soulsearcher18]

Could it be that sometimes the ‘fight’ in you is part of the abuse, then your reaction to the abuse is used to keep you in it, e.g. you did this (in response to repeated abuse) and so you can’t be the victim because you are the abuser?
Does I make any sense there??
I’m not sure why an idva wouldn’t note it? Perhaps Lisa can advise.
Maybe sometimes when we are trying to express things it all comes out confused because of everything and sometimes I don’t think it is interpreted correctly?

[Same-again]

thank you for your replies. means a lot.

I have previous abuse in my history (only recently remembered – yeah, I can hear the scorn).

I’d accept if people said it’s me. fair people. maybe it is. i don’t think so. Think he’s just twisting.

[HopeLifeJoy]

A fight response is equally as valid as flight or freeze, it is a proven fact that this is part of a response to threats on the most basic instinctual levels. Same as animals.
You are right not to want to hide this nor should you. I don’t know why this isn’t accepted, specially from your IDVA who should be very much informed and aware of the different styles of responding to threats. She SHOULD write it down in your file because your response style poses a risk to your safety, fighting back against your abuser is dangerous for yourself. They should absolutely include and highlight this factor into your safety plan instead of ignoring it completely.
Also beware that any fighting back can be used against you by your abuser should he record you for example. If he knows your response is always fight, he can set you up by starting an argument and use your response against you.
So use the fight you have in you but try to think which is the most efficient to get into safety. Your goal should be safety not fighting him. If you can. I know it isn’t easy to choose how to respond to threats, it just comes up instinctively as survival defense.
I think fight or flight response are the most efficient responses, the most dangerous one is freeze, where you are at the total mercy of the abuser. With fight or flight you are at least able to act. It’s not the ideal way either but that’s why it’s called fight/flight/freeze RESPONSE and not ACTION. Response is a reaction to an action.

I left my abusive ex on flight response. In the eyes of the law this wasn’t the ‘correct’ response either and got me into a lot of trouble. There is no way to win against an abuser using any of the above responses because they are just that; responses. It’s really unfair to be positioned and set up by the abuser in such ways, they know exactly what they’re doing. Eventually we all take our power back and win by living our lives in freedom. It’s just a matter of time. 🙂

Honey, I hope you are out and safe.
Absolutely write your book, give the first copy to your IDVA. Enlighten her and the rest of the world how it is to be positioned as victim/survivor in an abusive situation and why we react the way we react.
Power to you 💪💕

[Same-again]

Thank you – feels like it’s not valid at times. I am out of time. Wrong.

Thank you. Not saying I’m right btw. Just a response. My response.

xxxx

[Anonymous]

I don’t even care what her reason was for not noting it. Sounds like a personal problem of her own really. But it is a valid response. But if it’s an ongoing thing of fighting back, it does become problematic because then he can say you’re just as much to blame as him and yes, they do like it when you get involved like this so they can say that.

I have always fought back but once I really saw what I was in. Then I came out fighting and I left soon afterwards. I have never been physically abused except for years of that from my father growing up but one man who did try and held me down one time on the bed, thinking it was funny, got thrown across the room for it because I finally got my feet in the middle of his stomach. I had very strong legs back then… He got my drift.

So to me personally, fighting back when someone is hurting you – there is nothing wrong with that at all. But you do have to be wise about it. And to me, it means if it’s this bad, then I need to get out or he needs to get out. One or the other. I don’t like the round and round we go stuff either when arguing because again, it does no good. Might make us feel better but in the end, you just need to put a stop to the source. Go after the root, don’t just trim leaves.

Fighting does indicate you have fire in your belly and that’s a good thing. Just need to put that fighting energy into taking care of the problem once and for all.

[Lottieblue]

Are you noting down all the incidences of your fighting back? I would make sure you do. Because then if/when he uses it against you, you can counter his version with your own truth.

Your post made me feel really sad for you. I don’t fight back because if I did I would just be slapped down even further and I know I wouldn’t win. Couldn’t. In a perverse way I quit while I’m ahead. I will never have the final word, never. So it will go on, getting worse and more poisonous until I say “I’m done. You win”. I just take it all.

Im not really answering you, it’s not relevant. I suppose I’m just saying that I feel your pain. Greatly.

[Author]

Posts