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Have often felt I need protection from someone in all this, but who? That this is what the police are there for yes? But was told a while back that because it is already in the court process then the police wont get involved – which leaves me feeling alone, scared, anxious, fearful of the system and in need of a strategy.
Spoke to victim support and 101 this morning and felt I’d been heard, they got it; booked me in for an appointment today. Left me feeling overwhelmng relief, heard, taken serious, not alone anymore!! Free to say what I need to say, the full truth.
Got there, there was no DA officer, that I had been told I was going to meet, and the one I did get was b****y dreaful, wouldn’t refer me to someone else, wouldnt accept she was not the right person for the job, I asked have you got a working knowledge? Se said no, I had the basic training some years ago when I joined. I tried 5 times! Yes 5 times to ask to see someone trained and she said no, she didnt think it was necessary and there isn’t such an officer anyway. I completely withdrew, couldnt say what I wanted to say, just wanted to gte out as quickly as possible, she was adamant this is just two people with animosty differnt parenting styles. It was dreadful.
Dropped straight back into feeling disempowered, without a voice, scared and stressed again – on my own with it. I left feeling that she would be recording my visit as me trying to get him in trouble with the police; which ironically, is exactly what he has managed to do, manipulate the sytem to attack me only she refused to see it.
Feel utterly deseprate now, after feeling so free and empowered all week. Didnt sleep a wink last night with worry and anxiety – I need a good nights sleep for sure and to start again tomorrow, only I feel stressed and anxious because I am day behind now and achieved nothing today. Feel like giving in x
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Oh my goodness! I have no advice from a practical perspective but I didn’t want to read and not send you warm hugs n thoughts..:( I can’t even begin to imagine to disappointment after how hard you have fought but don’t give up. You may not feel any further forward but you are actively taking steps and that’s courageous and amazing. Other ladies on here will I’m sure be able to offer advice of where to now turn or to complain etc. Keep pushing keep being heard .. you are so amazing… you’ve always given such wonderful kind and caring and knowledgable advice to me so thank you for being u x*x
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keep going fizz unfortunately rhis happens we come up against people who are ignorant. i promise u though for everyone person who knocks you down two will help you back up. its just getting the right people that WILL listen xx i was the exact same – dont let this set you back she obviously has no training in this field at all xxxx love diymum your not on your own xx
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Pick yourself up and make a formal complaint. You had an appointment made with a trained domestic abuse officer which did not happen. A complaint against the police will get their attention. Don’t give up x
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Thought you might say that KIP lol. I will, tomorrow, I mean pick myself up again. I will try again, different place next time and yes, insist on DA officer. Wrote a fab home ed plan last night, loved doing it! Left me excited about the possibilties, how great it could be – now all I need is for him to drop off the side of the planet and we can go ahead lol x
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Thanks you two; if I didnt have you DM I’d be utterly lost. So so lucky to have you and your support and that incredible mind of yours! Thanks A, means a lot – made me melt, big hugs to you too, always. Just went from being on such a high to flat on my face hey, guess it shows me how despearte I am for a way out.
It’s the no sleep that’s tipped me. I’ll be back ladies, licking my wounds today x -
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I really sympathise with this and you are certainly not alone in feeling that way. It’s back and forth all the time. I’m inspired that you were able to stand up and ask to be seen by the right person. I didn’t know there were specialists and as a result I don’t feel taken seriously which has set me back to thinking that it’s all hopeless and I should try to make amends as nothing is going to happen. I really hope you get a good sleep as it’s so important yet so difficult when you are feeling disempowered and desperate. I really hope that you can keep going with it as you have inspired me for being so resolute x
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this is for you both really – the reality is this is a real fight to be heard. it is awful that services have been cut and dv is misunderstood by some. but there are people out there who are willing to help and listen. to make a difference and to get justice. we are giving our account of the truth we cant accept abuse and we have to persevere until some one finally listens whether we have to complain or just be really peristent – it pays off – we have to get it across that something drastic could happen if were ignored. we have the right to be heard and we certainly have the right to dignity and to be treated in a fair way – we cant accept any less or its game over xx we cant afford to give up ever and in doing that we will be taken seriously – actions speak louder than words xx Complaints procedure – MP – the papers if necessary xxxx love diymum
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Go DM! Absolutely! I am thinking about a complaint, easy enough isnt it, it does make them attend to you in the best way doesn’t it. We do deserve to be seen and heard and to not have to tolerate this dreadful abuse. This woman seemed to think because we werent together anymore I shouldnt have an issue? When I think back its pretty shocking really. She said, you need to have emergency contact with one another for your daughter????? Amd looked at me like I’m an idiot. I said we do through a 3rd party, she said, no you need to know if theres an emergency straight away dont you! (well you should eyes). Jeese. Yet only a few minutes before she said we advise people in yoursituation to comm through a third party – so how does that work then, no contact but in an emergency lol, like that would happen if he had our numbers! Totally ignorant and in public service, clearly p****d at me wasting her time.
Thanks BM, guess it was quite brave to keep coming back to it with the same q in a different way lol. I said at one point it feels like we’re speaking a different langauge, that I cant communicate what I want to say (because of all the blocks she was putting up).
Ive decided I will try again tomorrow, else where first, we cant fall at the first hurdle can we, I need to think it might not be but I can try, would be amazing if one of them did turn round and say ‘we can help’.
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One last thing. I have managed to remove myself and go full no contact at last amd I really do feel inside Ive let it go; phew, its done x
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coersive control is in the law now – i fell at the first hurdle with the school they thought i was asking them to take sides! i had two forms sent to them to fill out for the judge and they conveniently lost both off them and i was basically told go away. the GP was the first to listen she said it was a child protection issue. the therapist agreed to help and the police dv team said theyd be on standby for us both if i had to do a face to face handover. it took three different lawyers for me. womens aid helped us both and wrote letters re third parties for communication. the MP wrote to the legal aid board saying abuse men should not be given legal aid.Sometimes all we need is abit off professional clout to get the ball rolling sometimes people have to be made to take responsibility its c**p but thats how it works x*x cc the top man into your emails! lol xx love diymum
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What a comeback Fizzylem!
It is indeed an inspiration to any reading tye way you have bounced back from an experience mny can empathise with and suffered from.
Awful that you have had to endure this from the police!
Good luck with your complaint.
Its also really great to hear other successyl complaints been made and mp supporting no legal aid for abusers! Good good good
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I have not found the police to be helpful at all. The gave me an incident card (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago for something I told them about. I didn’t want it and then found myself chasing weeks later when I’d heard nothing. I have been passed to three different officers covering for leave and the like and not from the domestic abuse unit. When I spoke to the domestic abuse unit they said it had to be this other unit who investigated because of where the assault was committed. Now they put pressure on me to give a statement or say one way or another if I was going to. The officer said it had been going on for a while now….yes because they hadn’t got back to me! They told me on (detail removed by moderator) that he would be pulled in straight away for questioning (detail removed by moderator) and then I would be told straight away of the outcome for my protection and as of tonight I have heard nothing from them and part of me doesn’t want to know either because I still love him. I didn’t make a statement and there is no evidence to support what he did so why even question him as I didn’t want them too in the first place. Now I don’t know what is happening – have they spoke to him, has he said some lies about me and I am being investigated – that has crossed my mind that he would do that and I end up arrested.
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Oh PTH, yes I remember this; youve been back and forth havent you. Rubbish isnt it.
I think the police were hit the most in the funding cuts and it shows. This is mad isnt it. You had no evidence but they have said they will respond and have done a shoddy hit and miss job; i turned up with a bag of evidence and she wasnt interested. I can see it was because she didnt have the knowledge and there wasnt any current risk of violence; but she completely missed the abuse and she didnt ask me anything else, after a decade of abuse she asks me whats ought you here…er..I didnt know where to start. 101 said just come in and talk about the effects for now and we’ll discuss the evidence another time; I can see this makes sense, is a good place to start, as our heads are full and spinning hey. She skipped over things so quickly my head couldnt keep up with the switching, I was done after 10 mins. my mind went blank with her questions.
Ive asked for them to let me know if there are plans to train some officers up for women in the future yo speak to, and how big it is for someone when they come forward and how messed up their head often is. That there needs to be a procedure in place and followed for dealing with these women. Ive also asked how long do you get to make a complaint about it after it happened. As mines upped his game and is using his PR for abuse now and getting court to be his force but I have evidence from the past before this, she didnt asked me about any of this. The man is out of control and feel there’s no protection.
I know you say you love him, but if the relationship is on it way out, it will end at some point, if not now later down the line after more pain, trauma, agonising, stress and distress. Sometimes we change our mind to try and avoid the pain of the loss, leave the door open, but it is rarely the way forwards. My biggest regret is that I didnt involve the police at the time; I could have saved myself years of his abuse and now this. Try not to listen to your heart and make emotional decisons, listen to your self protecting self – she has the answer for you x
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So he’s been in touch! They haven’t even questioned him yet after everything they said about having to do it now to protect me…. I have not replied to him but the pull is still so much to go back to him for one more cuddle, a kiss. I really miss him so much. I agree that I don’t think the officers that have been dealing with me have much training at all regarding domestic abuse and I have spoken to the domestic abuse unit about it and explained this. They said the officers have had training and that it had to be this separate division dealing with things. Being in touch with the police has stopped me responding to him as I can’t very well meet up with him and the police turn up at his house to question him and I’m with him! So if anything positive can be said regarding the police as least they have acted as a strong force for me not to go running back to him. I haven’t returned any of his calls, texts, emails. You are right – why go back if you think it will end anyway down the line, but it’s like a drug, an addiction that’s so bad for us but we crave it. It is taking all of my strength not to get in touch with him. x
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