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    • #20280
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Hi ladies,

      Am going through a very rough time at the moment, and honestly I have emotions and feelings that are even confusing me.

      My bf was and can be. , loving, kind, and a genuine gentleman, for several months together the stars shone brightly…

      Until the European football started, I always knew he loved watching and playing sports, ( I loathe the football) , so I knew was a small sacrifice to pay, and he sat watching, usual guy, screaming at the tv, with a beer! , but I didn’t mind…

      Then England played, I did the usual, and went to the bedroom to listen to music, and never thought of anything, I heard him yellow loudly, but took no notice…well until the dflew open, ( I nearly wet myself with fear), and in the quickest of movements, he had me by the throat, I tried to inhale air, remove his hands, anything, but he was too strong,
      His eyes were so dark, he was screaming at me, saying was my fault, I made him angry,
      He let go quickly as I could feel myself passing out, and then his fists took over, he was yelling saying I won’t pass out and leave him, my mind was racing as each b**w hit my body, but I knew I had to stay awake, find my phone, so I calmly spoke to him, holding back tears, telling him I loved him, I won’t tell anyone, I seemed to talk for hours, but must have only been minutes, and I noticed the darkness in his eyes had gone, he stood over me in silence, shaking, and started crying so deeply, he just kept saying sorry, I knew he was back, but the confusion held iys hold tight on me.

      I didn’t contact the police, ( he accidentally had smashed up my phone), and talked about what the hell had happened, and that I went through a great deal in my childhood, and won’t suffer at the hands of a man again, he explained the best he could, but I still had that knot inside.

      So the incident wasn’t mentioned again, we went back to happy times and love, then football came on tv, I wasn’t afraid, just more guarded, but again he assaulted me, and again cried, but the next day he did something that I’m hoping you can help me understand?, because my mind is spinning…

      Afterwards he returned from work, as usual with flowers, and I was cooking tea, I ventured to the sink area ( so had nowhere to go), and he stood behind me , arms gentle around my waist, saying how sorry he was, and won’t touch me again, but feels so guilty, and spun me around to face him…he was stood with a knife, but not aimed at me..but at his abdomen, he kept trying to grab my hand to touch the handle, and he was crying, saying hurt him the way he’s hurt me, I kept saying no!! Finally he released me and walked back, saying to leave him, that I deserve better, am so confused, because I would never hurt anyone, and I do love him, but why and is it normal for decent men to become monsters over a game?.

      L&H
      x*x

    • #20286
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi, so sorry you had to go through this, one lady did put a warning on here when the football started and my local police had a warning on their website and so did the ambulance service re DV. It seems that the football can make DV worse, but its no excuse , he sounds very dangerous and its classic for them to say sorry etc until the next time. How are you tonight, england are playing again.
      Have you called the helpline they will have knowledge of this abuse being worse when football is on, if they are busy leave your number for a call back, or call your local WA if you have one, he will not change or get better , this is serious assault, I would arraneg not to be alone wiht him when football is on xxxxx

    • #20288
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Hi hun! I am glad you talk here.
      This man is definitely not right.
      He is dangerous.
      Can you leave him or is there anything that would prevent you?
      You need to be very careful when you leave because that is the time they are the most dangerous.
      The best time to leave is when he is not at home.
      Also speak to Womens Aid.
      Keep your phone with you at all times, but in a way that he is not aware. If he does it again make a silent 999 call and let them hear everything.
      Take care and keep posting.

    • #20292
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi , Just come back on as ive just heard that England lost tonight and are now out of the Euro, so do take care if you feel any danger call the police straight away or scream for help, he is likley to be very bad with this result, do take care and let us know you are ok xxxx

    • #20293

      Just caught up with this – brokendreams i really hope you’re somewhere safe tonight! Please, in an emergency call the police if possible.

      Am hoping you’re safe after Englands defeat tonight. Sending you love xx

    • #20306
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Thank you ladies,

      I guess I’m not as strong as you all here, it’s now 2.30am , he’s snoring fast asleep beside me, and I took a sleeping tablet at midnight, I guess to rid the pain until tomorrow, yet as you can see , the tablet hasn’t worked, I can’t take much in the way of pain relief, so I was hoping that worked, I can’t call WA, as we live in a flat, and afraid he’d wake, he was extremely drunk, and blamed me for the outcome of the football, am so confused and alone, I don’t think he’s a abusive man, but I don’t know what has happened to him, a large part of me is hoping he’ll now revert back to the man I fell for, all I know right now is I’m exhausted, but my body and brain won’t switch off, but tomorrow, or later today, I know I’ll have to be awake early to sort things out for his day of work, so many contradictory thoughts battling my head, and maybe he’s right, its me, not him…just want to sleep.

      L&H
      X*x

    • #20331
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi brokendream,how are you today, do you get a time alone when you can call WA they will really help you. Im afraid we all hope these men will revert back to the nicer one but in most cases they dont. The level of physical abuse is high in what he did to you. Often ladies feel that the problem is them because the abusers tell us that.
      It normal to have contradictory thoughts as well thats why reading and postingn on here or reading books or speaking to WA will help you.
      A very good book is why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it shows all different types of abuse,you amay have been suffering less obvious abuse, like emotional or verbal or subtle control and not reconised at as abuse, we are here for you and so are WA, take care xxxx

    • #20335
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Broken Dreams,

      Unfortunately, he is what is seen as an sbusive man.

      An abusive man can behave normally for some of the time, but when he is triggered, the negative emotions or personality traits he is suppressing come to the surface.

      If he is like this with football, how might he be later, about you going out alone, or a crying child, or illness?

      I am saying this because how men behave under pressure shows how they will deal with hard times in the future.

      He has crossed a line he should never have crossed with you. These abusers think we are their property and that they can victimise us as and when they feel the need.

      We are all here for you. Remember, never blame yourself. It is his lack of self-control and his inner anger that is making him behave like this. He is just projecting it on to you. X*x

    • #20350
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Thank you ladies,

      I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful, ( as I’m unsure myself what to believe), but my bf isn’t anything like men whom hurt me as a child. / teenager, its just since the football, he’s so mad, I’m keeping quiet as not to get him to look my way, my bruises will fade, but I wish my brain would too, I’m ok, just look like had a fight with Bruno , and a cracked bones, but he didn’t apologise this morning, just looked like a coiled spring, asking me to not bother with any tea, he won’t be home until late, but not to go out or call anyway as hell know, not sure what he meant, but doing as he said, have tried most of day to call WA , but no reply, and can’t leave a call back, just hoping I’m able to calm things down.

      L&H
      x*x

    • #20351
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi, good to hear from you, did he physically hurt you again last night are these new bruises and cracked bones from last night.
      M<y WA told me that you can give a time and day that its safe for them to call you back on your message , have you tried your local one or the national one.
      Abuse comes in many many forms and it may be differ to to anything you have experienced before, the fact that yo have been abused before can make you much more vunerable to further abuse even in a different way.
      Has he told you no to go out if so this is also a sign of abuse as well. You say you are doing as he said do you feel fearful of not doing what he says. Take care keep posting and keep trying WA or leave a message for them to call you at a safe time when you know he is not around x*x

    • #20352
      KIP.
      Participant

      Take photos of your bruises and make a note of time and date. Get your GP to note what happened. It’s you this man gets a kick out of abusing. If it was a friend of his, or a family member or anyone else near him when he was watching football, he wouldn’t attack them. It’s only you he will attack because that’s what abusers do. Don’t blame the football. Blame him. Cowardly men. Now your scared of him, walking on egg shells and he has the control. As for going near you with a knife. More scare tactics. My ex used to cry after an assault. Oscar winning performance. Swearing on his daughters life it will never happen again. Until the next time. Keep trying the helpline or visit your local WA ❤️

    • #20372
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Ladies,

      Yes the injuries were from last night, after all England lost badly by all accounts, as for the injuries, I’ve been told if I had them they can’t be used as evidence ( previous relationship ), tried speaking to live chat, (idas ), but wasn’t open, ill try WA again. , just afraid, as don’t want to believe he’s a abusive man x*x

    • #20375
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi brokendreams,

      Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing. It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out so I hope you find the support you are looking for. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through because of your boyfriend, it is a very confusing and frightening time for you.

      Unfortunately what you have described is serious physical abuse. Has he been abusive to you before? Maybe not physically but behaving in a controlling way? You have said you have injuries, do you need medical attention? I am worried for you. Do you have supportive family and friends?

      I am pleased to hear you have tried to call the Helpline, if it is the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) then you can leave a voicemail to receive a call back at a safe and convenient time. Can you try again when he is not at home? Or can you contact your local support group? You can find your local group here.

      Keep posting to us when you can. Only you can decide what to do next but there will always be support here for you.

      Take care,

      Lisa

    • #20406
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa,

      I have read a lot of information about abuse, and I am quite shocked as I didn’t believe he was ever abusive towards me before, now I realise that he has been since shortly into our relationship, as I now believe he was sexually, financially and emotionally abusive, but I just thought he was caring, but things like I have to make his tea, it has to be at the right temperature, what to wear, not to go out, I feel stupid for not realising, I don’t have any friends or family, but with the family, that’s due to what happened when younger,
      My eye is swollen and keeps watering, but guess its just bruising and the pain will ease, I called WA last night and asked for a call back, as I’m not sure myself of my own feelings, but I do feel afraid more now.

    • #20408
      godschild
      Participant

      So good that you have realised broken dreams, I suspected that maybe there was other abuse and dont feel stupid at all, ive been having abuse for decades and only realised that it was abuse about 4 years ago, keep posting and reading and learning it is a shock and very painful when you realise but we are here for you and so will WA be , you may need to get that eye checked as well, would be a good idea to see your GP or A and E and have it documneted as well. take care xxxxx

    • #20411
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Please go to the next A&E and refuse to go back home. You need to go into a refuge asap.
      You are being abused badly and there is NO excuse for this.
      Please, please, save yourself! x*x

    • #20412
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Thanks ladies,

      I’m at the doctors in the morning, I really don’t think it’s necessary to bother the A&E department with a black eye, after all I feel they’ve got more important issues to deal with, and at the moment it’s just swollen and red, yes I am afraid when WA call, as not sure what to say or feel.
      I feel sick, but guess that’s with nerves, as I am in shock that I allowed this to happen.

      L&H,
      X*x

    • #20414
      godschild
      Participant

      WA will help you it takes time to talk and address it all they will understand that, your local one may be able to give you someone to meet up with in secret to help you work through this, but its not just your eye that is of concern its the abuse and it needs documenting, make sure the GP documents it as evidance which may be needed.
      You cannot go on with this level of physical abuse he is dangerous xx

    • #20416
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Yes I understand that, I just hope he doesn’t see that I now realise what he’s been doing, know sounds stupid but like he can read my mind, think that’s why I’m so nervous, he didn’t come home after leaving, so not sure what mood he’ll be in, and I don’t know his trigger to get angry with me, after all I just thought it was because of the football, I just feel physically sick x*x

    • #20423
      Ayanna
      Participant

      You need to get out of there.
      Make sure you have your mobile on you all the time, put it on silence. If he starts it again make a silent 999 call and let the police hear everything.

      Abusers are the worst when they see the victim knows what’s going on and tries to leave. Be very careful!

    • #20522
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Ladies,

      Need advice please, went to doctors this morning, she checked injuries, and asked if convicted police, said no, she then said she has to inform adult social care, as its her duty of care, as injuries and vulnerable? What does that mean? She said they may contact me? I don’t know what she meant, and don’t want anyone coming around here!, can anyone explain please?.

      L&H
      x*x

    • #20532
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi brokendreams, I was thinking about you this morning and how you got on at the Doctors.
      I have been asked more than once over the years if I wanted SS contacted but I have never had physical injuries.
      Proffesionals do have some duty of care at times but I thought you may have been given a choice.
      I had Adult care round at the start of they year, they did a marac test that is a risk assesment of the abuse and the effects on you. They ask you a series of questions and rate the risk. They could have helped to rehouse me if I had wanted it, they gave me a personal alarm and out of hours phone number to call 24 hours per day.
      They will contact you but tell them it is not safe for your abuser to know about it as when the abusers get wind that something is gong on the abuse can really escalate so if they call when he is there dont speak to them.
      I think they can meet you somewhere other than your home if you want to do that. Im not sure if are obliged to see them ,if children are involved there may be no choice but they hopefully will be able to offer you some kind of help. xx

    • #20541
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Thank you,
      No no children involved, but she said they may contact me, but I am more stressed out and worried incase they just show up!,
      I didn’t get a choice with my doctor, as she said because I haven’t got the police involved, she has to contact them, I said I didn’t want that, but she said with me being vulnerable, ( as I have a (detail removed by Moderator) and blind ) she has too.
      I’m hoping they don’t contact me, ( as they didn’t last time, just was aware and was on their books.
      But feel better knowing what they do, thank you godschild ()hugs)) x*x

    • #20546
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi, I very much doubt that they would just turn up when its abuse as it could cause you more issuies. I am sorry that you have health isues and blind that must be very hard to cope with in this situation, hugs back to you xxxxxxxx

    • #20563
      brokendreams
      Participant

      I am broken,
      Been told by my local IDAS, that they won’t offer me one to one support, and that’s who the WA advised me to contact,
      Local IDAS explained to me that because I have had support from them previously, and been told about triggers, safety plan ect , that there’s nothing more they can offer!, I have no family or friends, and I just wanted to talk to someone who knew what I’m going through!, never been rejected by a organization before, but least got here, but seems that’s all I’ve got now, so they too believe it’s my fault, I should’ve known better, feel so upset.

    • #20586
      godschild
      Participant

      That is awful to refuse you help , have you tried refuge they may be able to help. :You are bound to feel upset its awful to be treated like that, had you been physically attacked when they gave you support before.
      If you ask to go to a refuge, you should get support there and you will be protected from him as he will not know where you are. You can call the National domestic violence helpine any time 24 hours to just talk to them.
      Call them and tell them what you have been told by IDAS, im very concerned for your safety with how he has attacked you physically, has he come back yet.You said you are blind im not being rude but can you see at all.
      Do you feel able to go to a refuge for safety and support and a chance to see what you can do to get away from him, do take care and re call the helpline they will not leave you without help im sure xxxx

    • #20591
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Can you call Rights of Women? Speak to them. You are highly vulnerable. You need to get out of there.
      They cannot leave you there.
      That is irresponsible.

    • #20630
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Stale mate,
      Didn’t want to, and feel guilty, but made a complaint to IDAS, got email back saying I know everything about domestic abuse and if in danger call police,
      I feel like a pile of broken glass, so alone and discarded away,
      Only problem is there’s no other organisations in my area, took me a lot of courage to call WA they were great, isn’t their fault only IDAS in my area.
      Thing that has really deflated my hope of help, was idas manager said, ” You can call the Samaritans to talk to someone?! ”
      Am not mental!, thank god I have here, thank you 😊.
      Off now as after the assault yesterday am sore, but now my brain is in bits, and I need to appear normal for when he returns, god it’s the weekend too,
      Thank you again for your support.

      A defeated broken dreams.
      x*x

    • #20634
      godschild
      Participant

      This is not good, you need more help, did he assault you again yesterday. Have you seen if your local police have a DV unit that can help you or a refuge for you to go to, if you are fearful of the weekend you need to get away x*x

    • #20645
      Ayanna
      Participant

      That’s why I said you need to go to your next A&E and refuse to go home. They can arrange a place in a refuge for you. The police will be involved. You can complain about the lack of help and the danger you are in.
      The consultants in a hospital are more powerful and mostly better educated than a GP.
      Take care, I am so worried about you.
      Please be safe!
      Keep your mobile on you and make a silent 999 call if he attacks you.

    • #20654

      Hi Brokendreams, sorry I only answer now but I did read your post straight after you sent it but time didn’t allow me to answer.
      I woke up to my own situation over three decades later, suicide and resignation threats galore, some financial abuse though now it appears to be full blown, slapping, strangling, knives thrown in front of me, drunkenness on purpose and when self indulged he looks like he wants to kill me, intimidations emotionally or physically, disrespect in front of my kids, sexual coercion and historical rapes, etc.
      If you were my daughter and you were telling me what he did to you, how do you think I would feel? You have been strangled (assault) your eye is swollen…i won’t mention the rest.
      I am glad you rang WA and found information. Don’t become a long term victim, the longer you Sta the less likely you are to think clearly, that’s how it works. We have all been there.
      If I coup turn back time, I would live my life otherwise, I would not be where I am, who I am, my kids would be happy. My kids and I are victims of abuse.
      Please listen to the advice. When people say it will get worse, they are totally right. It will!
      Listen to Lisa, she has given you the right perspective and you have been seriously assaulted. Drunk or not, I know a lady whose husband did exactly the same. She has kids and she ended up in serious danger. He was put in prison for what he did while drunk. Social services got involved because of the children.
      It is the same for me and my family, but I fought for too long with my own doubts. Please dont doubt one moment that what you are living is a serious sign of something truly wrong. The longer you stay, and the harder it becomes to lift the fog caused by abuse in a relationship. It took you a while and the correct information to even realise it is abuse to control someone with going out, food temperature, clothes etc…listen very carefully, and if you plunge into any doubt, read the information again and again, share on the Forum and you will gain clarity.
      We all want to believe it is fine, it is because of the drink or something else. The fact is relationships fog your vision, so repeat the scenario you lived as f you were his neighbour, and ask yourself what you would do and think…the police, justice system and the law would prosecute him.
      Abuse is a crime, whether you love him or not. Good normal healthy relationships are not built on this. Run.

    • #20722
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Morning ladies,
      Can’t stop long but good news is after I made a complaint to idas, they are going to ask a senior worker to do a risk assessment form! Feel guilty for complaining though, hope you lovely ladies are doing ok, back later.

      L&H
      x*x

    • #20864
      Prisoner
      Participant

      I have just read your story and it struck a cord, many on here no my story and i wont go into it now. But please please look at leaving this man before it gets any worse. I spent years not leaving the house or phoning anyone. You are worth so much more.

    • #20866
      godschild
      Participant

      I actually thought of you prisoner and what happened to you when I read this ladies case. How are you now are you feeling any better. So good ofyou to post your support when you are struggling so much yourself
      Brokendreams you can read prisoners experience if you click on her name then on forums you can read it on then it may encourage you to get out ,hugs to you both xxxx

    • #20869
      Prisoner
      Participant

      Thankyou Godschild itbis so hard. But i had to post when i read this ladies stiry it reminded me so much of my situation.

    • #20894
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Dearest prisoner,

      I have sadly read your heart breaking story, and am so sorry, and yes it does sound familiar, but like you, I try to have my own mind, but when he’s home he isn’t always angry, although the assaults have increased, I try to make him understand I won’t put up with it, but he then tries to hurt himself, he did this weekend, and the guilt I feel is overwhelming, and I now feel guilty for getting ( well trying) to get help.

      As for my local idas, and me complaining,the senior managers, also agree that the past help and support was at is as much as they can / will offer, so in a way, its my fault, and my partner is right, nobody will help, and I’m lucky to have him, he’s off work this week, so heart always racing, because I don’t know why or when he will snap, as he doesn’t have a trigger, not that I’ve noticed, so its just holding breathe and hope,

      But I don’t have family or friends to seek assistance, he found my phone and smashed it, I luckily have two spares, but I won’t be posting much this week, hugs prisoner and god xxxxxxxx

    • #20900
      brokendreams
      Participant

      The tea was too hot,

      He’s out now, probably getting drunk, which could be a good thing – he sleeps, and jolly, or go crazy about something in his head, and want love without permission.
      But the tea, I always make sure its equally portioned, and never allow food to touch each other, so he sat down, and started eating, and next thing all hell broke loose, plates flying, telling me I was trying to kill him by burning him, ( wasn’t that hot! I was eating same), he just went for me, seems a blur, all happened so quickly, then he ordered me to clean up before he gets back, I have cleared up, but knew can’t call anyone, so taken pain killers, and crying, may get a bath, because I know he won’t be back for ages, well hopefully, I am just confused at what’s happened to him? He never raised a hand, or his voice to me until football came on, I just thought was his passion for the game, and now England out, would go back to normal, but he’s got worse and I don’t have a clue what I’ve done wrong, maybe he found out I told the doctor? But how?, got to stop crying x*x

    • #20902
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s absolutely nothing you have done. Abuse always gets worse. They get away with hurting you and just hurt you more. Mine used to blame his diner not being on the table but even when it was, he would make up something else to abuse me over. It’s never anything we have done. They just tell us that so that they can hurt us and justify it to themselves. They move the goal posts all the time. They threaten to hurt themselves as a good way to control us, make us feel guilty for their actions. If it’s your home, the police will remove him. Can you secretly record what he is doing to you. Then report him to the police? You must take photos of your injuries, take them of the mess he made. It is very very important. It can go along way to evidence your claims of abuse and it paints a bigger picture x

    • #20907
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi brokendreams,

      I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like a very upsetting and dangerous situation for you. Please do try and phone the helpline when you get a safe moment. The will not judge you or tell you what to do but they will help you to safety plan and hopefully start thinking about getting away from your partner. It would also be amazing if you could phone the Police and tell them all about your situation, I know it seems very daunting but it would be a huge leap in the direction a life free from abuse.

      Waiting for him to come home and wondering what mood he is going to be in must be very frightening. Do you have a friend you could go and stay with and perhaps look to going in to a refuge tomorrow night? If you spoke to the Police they may also be able to keep him away from you so that you can be safe.

      We are all here for you. Please keep posting to let us know how you are.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #20914
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Yes KIP he seems to be exactly like you say, doesn’t matter what I do, seems to be something else.

      Lisa, I have no friends or family, my ex made sure of that, and I tried to contact family, but they have changed their number, and as I know my ex, he will have made me out as mad, mentally unstable, and they disowned me.

      My partner called a while ago, asking if I was ok, he said igi called for help, he would kil myself and him, then he said something that’s quite honestly scared me, he claims he has put hidden camera’s in the place, and knows exactly what I’m doing, I’m frozen with fear, and not sure if its a empty threat or true? I hear a car door, I freeze, hear a siren I panic, the helpline just gave me my local idas, who say bluntly they can’t assist anymore, as with ex, they supported me for ten years, and I should know the signs, well I’m sorry, I don’t know his signs, triggers, or mood like ex, but because even senior management agree I’ve had all the support they can give, am still hurting badly, but least stopped crying, pain relief has worked, but when I caught myself in the mirror, wasn’t me looking back, just a swollen mess x*x

    • #20916
      godschild
      Participant

      You really need to call the police if he is making threats like this to you, he is very dangerpus, pleae call them before he gets home, they can arrange somewhere safe to take you, your life is in danger with this man, you must get help or call the ambulance service they will assist you xx

    • #20925
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      I have just seen your last comment and have to agree with godschild. He sounds so dangerous. I hope you’re ok and safe. Don’t ever think you should have known these men are clever and know how to worm there way in. Please find some where safe to go. Maybe a refuge? Call the police or an ambulance youre so precious and deserve so much more.

    • #20952
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Afternoon,

      Just wanted to say thank you for your support, am ok just bruised and sore, but expected that, he returned home, and was loving and apologetic, he has been lovely this morning, but can’t be here long, just wanted to let you know xx

    • #20954
      godschild
      Participant

      Glad to hear that you are ok, although bruised and sore is not ok, he may be lovley now until the next time and it will get worse, he has made very dangerous threats to you and you really do need help, being sorry means not doing it agin , otherwise its just a worthless word that they all use at times ot make themsleves feel bettter xx

    • #20955
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Am hoping that he means it, I did ask him if he meant what he said about the cameras, he just laughed and said that it may be true, I would just have to behave, I did tell him I wouldn’t put up with him hitting me again or returning home and using me again , he then started crying, promised if he raised a hand again, he would contact the authorities himself, so am thinking he may be genuine, but I still feel nervous x*x

    • #20957
      godschild
      Participant

      brokendreams they all do this and say so many things that they dont carry thro, crying is another manipulative tactic they use. Question yuourself no normal non abusive man would consider cameras to make sure you behave yourself thats obsurd, its hard to cometo terms with thefact that he is abusing you, its painful and very hard to digest, they draw us back in with words but he will do it again and he threatened to kill you last night, please take advise and prepare to get away xxxx

    • #21059
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      How are you feeling today? Hoping you are safe.

    • #21075
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Have just finished cleaning, as requested, isn’t easy with the injuries, but thankfully it’s done, but I guess hell did something wrong, as can’t see too well, least he’s out for a while, but I always worry his mood on his return.
      I have secretly white cleaning, looking for camera’s, but can’t find any, and he will call soon, he always checks in home regularly, its better when he’s at work, as can’t call as much, but today already had 17 calls, difficult when hoovering, as if don’t answer I think he’ll be mad.
      X*x

    • #21113
      brokendreams
      Participant

      God am so stupid,

      I have behaved all day, but I didn’t expect this, as usual did tea, washed up, and went to put the rubbish out, I always check nobody is around before going to the bin, and nobody was, but entering back in to the home, the neighbour was coming in, and spoke to me, ooh god I wanted to run, but politely said hello back, but then he continued to say if everything was ok, my heart was racing as knew partner would be growing angry,
      He then said was everything ok, as he had heard a lot of smashing and shouting, and he doesn’t want to be involved, so won’t call the police, but seemed concerned,
      With that my partner came out, and I couldn’t move, I just was hoping a fight wouldn’t start, but it didn’t he just said mu phone was calling, so neighbour went, and I entwined shaking, as he had phone, but he laughed and said wasn’t anyone calling, as nobody would want to talk to me, then he grabbed me, and hit me over and over, but worse thing was he dragged me to the bedroom, grabbed me by my throat, and with one hand, somehow ripped my clothing off, forcing himself on me, with his hands tightly around my throat, saying I am trying to leave him, he will train me not to cry, or scream, then his fists spoke, saying I fancied neighbour, was having a affair, then I blacked out, now he’s gone out, left a note saying he’s off to authorities, ( yet I don’t know if true as not aware how long I was out ), so am hoping he has, as I shouldn’t have spoken to the neighbour, am so painful, any home remedies for pain and bruising? x*x

    • #21118
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Why do you not call the police NOW??? And demand to be brought into a refuge rather yesterday than today?
      Hunny, you really need to make this 999 call and get this man arrested and yourself out NOW

    • #21119
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      Brokendreams are you ok? He wont go to the police its all a game. But please please phone the police or call an ambulance. I am so worried about you. I don’t want to be blunt but he Will end up killing you my husband strangled me i was yold redeatch shows if they strangle you you’re 7× more likely to be killed. What he did was rape. If you blacked out you could have a head injury please get help asap.

      I am really worried about your safety, you’re worth so much more than this.

    • #21127
      godschild
      Participant

      brokendreams you must get help, can you speak to the neighbour who has heard the things going on, he is so dangerous, you cannot live like this any longer, he is getting worse. The neighbour could call the police for you, please as the others say get out , you cannot go on like this, please listen to us call WA and get help x*x

    • #21142
      brokendreams
      Participant

      I did it,

      Morning ladies, apologies if writing bad, but can hardly see,

      I went to the hospital yesterday evening, as was in a lot of pain, and know was my fault, but I think I was in shock and pain, I didn’t tell them everything, probably because I felt humiliated, as embarrassed, but least I got checked out, before I left, I was given a leaflet with dv helpline, ( well I know the number), so disposed of it,

      Thank you for your support am very grateful x*x

    • #21143
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      I can’t believe they just let you go. But well done for going. You really do need to contact the police and get out.this man is so dangerous and i really am worried. I do hope you’re ok what did tge hospital say.

    • #21153
      godschild
      Participant

      brokendreams. none it it was your fault at all , you should have told them everything they are used to seeing DV, they could have assisted you in some way , you cant go on like this x*x

    • #21158
      Ayanna
      Participant

      No way, how could they let you go back?
      Make that 999 call and tell them firmly that you need a safe place to live. x*x

    • #21211
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Waiting

      A (removed by moderator), or maybe more, sadly my bf assaulted me then continued to be forcefully intimate with me, then allowed his friends, afterwards I accidentally cried, which caused another beating, so I awaited for him to leave with his friends, I then called the police and told them what he had done earlier, they came around and arrested him, and asked me for a statement,
      So now am awaiting a phone call from the police, or my bf will return, wither way am terrified x*x

    • #21218
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      oh brokendreams you have had horrific assaults in the last 2 days. well done for calling the police. What he and his friends did to you are severe criminal acts. You did the right thing. You saved your life. But are you on your own now? Of course you are terrified. You need to have someone with you. You can’t be on your own after being assaulted and raped by your abuser and raped by his friends as well. Not to mention the severe assaults you were subjected to only yesterday.

      Can you admit yourself into hospital for the night. You have been raped and badly beaten. And that’s on top of a ‘blackout’ yesterday after him assaulting you. A blackout means head injury and you have been beaten on top of this. Ring an ambulance to help you. We get so used to not asking for help. I was like that. But I had to learn to ask for help, to use the supports available. Many way less serious cases will be in A and E tonight. You are a serious rape and assault casualty. You need to be in casualty.

      You have been so brave to ring the police. Now you need to be brave to ring an ambulance. Once you ring and tell what happened, they will take over. You will have to do no more for tonight. And you will be in a safe place, with other people to look after you and care for you and where they will arrange for proper care and counselling after the rape.

      And your feelings of terror will go. Please keep posting

    • #21219
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. You have been so brave to call the police. I hope and pray they will look after you and keep you safe. Is there any one safe who could be with you? Do you need medical attention? X*x

    • #21220
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      Broken Dreams. You have done the right thing. I am so proud of you! They will phone you they won’t just release him. Do you need medical treetment? I would really suggest you look at refuge. give you time to recover and be safe. feel free to pm me if it would help.

    • #21223
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      or could you ask your neighbour who expressed concern for you to ring for an ambulance. Its not too late to knock. you just can’t spend the whole night alone after being beaten and assaulted and raped 2 nights in a row by several men.

    • #21229
      godschild
      Participant

      I agree call an ambulance they will help you, if they have taken him away , they dont usually let them out the same night, dont stay alone after this, do call for an ambulance they will support you, the paramedics are usually very kind and they will have seen this before, this is your chance to get help now once and for all take care x*x

    • #21238
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Oh Brokendreams, I am so sorry that you had to experience such a horrible, traumatic experience. My heart really goes out to you and I wish I could just help you to get out. I am glad you called the police. Please be safe and call the ambulance as the other ladies suggested. He wont be able to hurt you in the hospital.

      Sending all my love and prayers. Please take this opportunity and leave this man.

      xox

    • #21249
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      brokendreams,

      Thinking and praying for you that you are not alone at this moment, that you reached out for help and support for your injuries. You have been badly beaten and hurt in the last few days and raped by several men yesterday evening.

      You will heal from this and well done for calling the police as this is the first day of your freedom from your abuser but you will need a lot of support to process your emotions and cope with your freedom from your abuser. You cannot do this alone. You have been through so much.

      All us ladies are here for you as well.

    • #21264
      Eve1
      Participant

      Hi, I have just read your posts. Thinking of you and hoping you have taken the advice on here and are getting treatment and finding a way to stay safe, away from this man.

      Love and gentle hugs
      Eve
      X*x

    • #21272
      godschild
      Participant

      brokendreams , do let us know when you can, how you are, did you go to hospital, have the police been in touch, we are all here for you and thining of you , take care xxxx

    • #21279
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Thank you for your support,

      Just wanted you all to know am safe, my injuries have been seen to and fixed,
      As for bf, been told awaiting court time sometime today, but assured they would keep me informed.
      Will post when I can, thanks again, and hope you ladies are ok too. x*x

    • #21280
      godschild
      Participant

      So glad to hear from you and that your injuries have been attended to , did yo go to hospital. Do let us know what happens in court, hopefully he will be bailed with conditions to not contact you at least, take care xxxx

    • #21297
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi brokendreams,

      You have been incredibly strong getting through these horrific days and getting the police involved. You have done the right thing. I hope you are able to get some rest so that you can start your recovery from this serious trauma.

      You should be getting specialist one-to-one support (I know you have tried). If the police have not arranged this you could ask them if they have a specialist domestic abuse officer or what support they can refer you to.

      You may not feel like talking at the moment, but please remember that you can call the helpline 24 hours a day if you want to discuss anything; your feelings, the court process, his sentence or how to go to a refuge.

      We’re all here for you,

      Lisa

    • #21300
      brokendreams
      Participant

      He got a year suspended sentence, as no previos arrests, and no bail conditions, except he has to attend a anger management program.

    • #21307
      godschild
      Participant

      That is outrageous, he has been offending against you for a along time, where is he now are you having him back, this is not about anger its about control and the judge has missed that. How do you feel about it, what about the rape and his friends rape of you feel so angry about what he is getting away with and his friendsxxx

    • #21311
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      I agree it is outrageous and dangerous for you the judge’s sentencing. He raped you. He brought his friends into your house to rape you. He has beaten you several times since you started posting 10 days ago. He’s assaulted you. Ok you cannot control the judge’s ruling although he is wrong, very wrong. This man is a danger to you. He carried out extremely criminal acts against you.

      However, you can control whether your abuser and rapist has any access to you. You can choose to go No Contact with him. Today is your first day of No Contact and your first day of freedom from the abusive relationship. Your abuser though will try to worm his way back into your life. He has spent a lot of time priming you into a victim who he can ‘hurt’ to satisfy his need for Power and Control. Anger management course will not work for him. He will only do it to get the court off his backs and as a tactic to convince you he has changed.

      No Contact is not easy so gather all your supports around you. DA officers for one-to-one counselling as Lisa suggested. Phone Women’s Aid when you need to. And definitely posting on here and reading the other ladies posts.

      There is a full life awaiting you from this day forward and I can see from your posts that you have a lot of spirit. He didn’t manage to break your spirit.

    • #21314
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Please be patient with me ladies,

      Sorry but right now am crying, angry, scared, worried, you name the emotion, I’m feeling it, am still in hospital due to broken bones, but from this afternoon onwards, just been bombarded with questions, doctors, nurse’s and I feel dizzy and mixed, luckily been prescribed something to help me sleep, and know am safe , but pain bad.
      Ironically, my local IDAS wouldn’t help me, when asked, now police have informed them, am getting support, ( although can’t begin until (detail removed by Moderator)), but I feel so confused right now, only have you ladies at present, sorry x*x

    • #21315
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi, there is nothing to be sorry for we understand, just feel so upset for you at what has happened, so glad you are safe in hospital and that you are getting the much needed help at last.
      You will have all sorts of emotions going around your head and it is so hard for you but with support you will come through this, hope you get a good nights rest and the pain gets better ,if only IDAS had given the help earlier , lessons need to be learned here sending you a big bless you xxxxx

    • #21318
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Thank you godschild, and yes lessons missed, I sadly asked for help weeks ago, but I can’t go. Back.
      He has already tried to contact me, and sorry to say, I love him, but I don’t want any more pain, my head is so confused, but I have a weekend alone to decide my next step I guess love and hugs and thank you x*x

    • #21324
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      brokendreams,

      So glad you are safe and of course all those overwhelming emotions are going to come up. Its normal and good they come up(although awful to feel I remember), if they come up they will eventually dissipate. It will be an emotional rollercoaster for the next while. Just let yourself cry as much as you can, don’t fight the tears. Sob as much as you can. You have been physically and emotionally hurt very badly and then there’s all the emotions you have pushed down while you were just trying to ‘survive’ in the abusive relationship. They need to come out of your system, the fear, the worry, the hurt, the distress, the sadness, the anger, the rage. Don’t be afraid of them Your feelings are your friends. They will help you heal. Just allow them to be. Allow yourself to not be on top of things. All you have to do is rest and let yourself be minded and take whatever action needed to block your abuser so he has no access to you.

      Remember he does not have your best interests at heart. He will feign sorrow for his actions. He is not sorry for what he did to you. He is sorry he got caught and he is sorry he might be allow to lose his ‘victim’ (you) that he has spent a lot of time and energy priming for his abuse of you. He does not want the hassle of having to search for a new victim where he can get his ‘high’ and his ‘kicks’ from hurting.

      Try and block him or change your number so you don’t even know he is trying to contact you. You even knowing he is trying to contact you will weaken your resolve to stand firm against breaking totally free from this abusive relationship.

      Please keep posting over the weekend for support. Your posts help us as well. We all need to be reminded how horrific abuse is and how hard it is to brek free (google trauma bond with an abuser). We think we love our abusers, we don’t. We are just trauma-bonded to them. Strict No Contact with him will break the trauma bond.

    • #21329
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Thanks God you are out! I am reliefed. Stay strong now hun and do everything you can to get rid of him. First of all look after yourself. X*x

    • #21382
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      Brokendreams
      Hi lovely brave ladyHope you are ok and resting. you have been so incredably brave.

    • #21554
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi brokendreams , how are you today, do yo get your eyes looked at, been thining about you a lot and hope you are coping, has anyone from IDAS been to see you , take care we all care about you xxxx

    • #21561

      Dear Brokendreams, I have just read all of your posts here, I am so sorry for the situation that you are in. You are in such a terrible situation and the worse thing is you can’t really see it or deal with it. I know how difficult it is, to be in a situation which seems different to what it really is. There are so many things which prevent you seeing reality. Fear of being alone, fear of breaking away, loving someone just for someone to love, accepting rubbish as rubbish is better than nothing, having an abusive past so that what you have now feels normal, maybe even nice and comfortable, being brainwashed and manipulated so that you cannot make decisions. You think you depend on your BF, he is your life and world . All of these thoughts are beliefs are distorted & as a result of the abuse and what is happening all around you. Psychological damage goes deep, into the deep part of our soul and can take years to repair. When I was younger I was so naive and shy, i remember being part of a group of boys and I thought that they were my friends. I felt a sense of belonging to the gang and I felt like something. I was naive and didn’t have many social skills i suppose, I was very shy, i was happy to belong to the gang. All of the boys were manipulating me to have sex with me. This has happened to me a few times growing up. I have a new life now and I am free from men at the moment. I would like to tell you that it is possible to feel good, experience contentment and feel excited about the future. You can have these nice, warm, healthy feelings too. You need to go through the break away and trauma bonding but you can have a bright future. Please do keep posting on here as this forum will really help you. XXXXX

    • #21594
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi brokendreams,

      I hope you get some rest tonight. Just take it one day at a time. That’s all any of us have. You are safe tonight. There is no way he can have access to you tonight to assault you again. Each day just try and be away from him so you can stay alive, and stay free from being attacked.

      You are so brave. Just hang on in there despite being hurt and injured so badly by him. You are not alone even though it may feel like you are. We have all been where you are. There is life after abuse. I have been abused but I got away from my abuser. You can make it. Have hope. You are a strong courageous lady full of goodness.

      Take it one hour at a time if you have to. Keep reaching out for support.

    • #21601
      brokendreams
      Participant

      Never felt so alone and upset as reign now, I didn’t mean to do anything wrong by posting, just needed to exp, understand why was deleted, am saying too much and realise I need to not come here for a while, unfair to upset you ladies, am truly sorry

      • #21608
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Morning Brokendreams

        Please do not feel that you upset anyone, because you havent and you havent done anything wrong. I am sorry that you are feeling alone, I wish that I could support you more and I hope that you are OK where you are.

        It is okay if you feel that you cant post right now, you are going through a lot and need to heal, but please dont delete your account because you feel you upset us, that is not the case.

        Please do let us know if you are safe.

        Sending all my love

        xox

    • #21605
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi brokendreams, We havn’t seen your post , maybe it was removed by lisa if there was detail that may have identified you, you must keep posting and letting us know how you are you, you are not upsetting us at all and you have nothing to be sorry about, please send me a private message explaining what you had put in your post if you want to, I am here for you, so you write whatever you need to xxxxx

    • #21701
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      brokendreams,

      I am so glad you got some sleep and I hope you got plenty of rest today. I got to see and reply to your post yesterday. Your posting can never upset us. It is the truth. Yes the truth may be painful to hear but nonetheless it is the truth and the honest sharings that will cut through our denial and our abuser’s manipulations (pretending to care and be nice).

      Your postings of where you are at will have helped so many to realize the horrific reality of abuse and how ruthless and cruel our abusers are. Your guilt feelings I can identify with. I battled with those feelings big-time when I had to go No Contact with my abuser mum.

      Your feelings we all share as we’re human. And I too battled so much with ‘letting go’ of a man who who was hurting me.

      Please keep posting. We all help each other. There is strength in our numbers. Lean on our strength to help you stay away from the man who assaulted and raped you and damaged your eyesight and got his friends to rape you.

    • #21707
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Hi, I was definitely not upset.
      Your post was most likely deleted for your own protection.
      We are all here for you.
      Keep posting.
      You can send me private messages too. x*x

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