For All You Ladies Who Blame Yourselves!

[Serenity]

I have just been watching a programme about bullying. It explained a lot.

When we are enmeshed in a relationship with an abusive partner, it is all too easy to question ourselves and blame ourselves, our confidence is crushed, etc.

We all go through this, it seems. It seems part and parcel of being a victim.

I blamed myself for months and months, hated who I was, felt like nothing- I didn’t even feel human.

At the end of the day, I think it helps to take the romantic involvement bit out of the equation ( this can cloud judgement) and just see the relationship for what it was: an example of pure bullying.

The tactics abusers use against their partners are those a bully uses.

I remember, when I was quite emotional some way down the road of my divorce, I went to a session with a lovely female solicitor, and I asked her, as she was so experienced: why has he behaved like this? Why is he continuing to behave like this?

Her reply was refreshingly simple and I have held on to her words: “because he is a bully.”

Bullies like to wreck the lives of successful, happy people; bullies like to exploit people who they see as weaker than them; as cowards, they use covert ways to weaken their prey, and only when they think they have the upper hand, their abuse becomes more obvious. As cowards, they don’t like to compete on a level playing field, they don’t like to compete with others unless they feel they have a real advantage, as they need to win. So they work to weaken others they are involved with.

Your abuser, who caused you so much pain, did so not because there is a problem with you. Quite the opposite. He is jealous of something you have. You might have more patience than him, more friends, a more supportive family, a more enjoyable job; your kids love you- which might anger him; bullies bully because the other person has something they lack.

Your a user might well treat other people in his lifestyle same. Or he might be the type of abuser who puts on a good front to others, and saves the bullying just for you. Whatever his way, he is still pure and simply a bully.

Their tactics are those found in bullies in playgrounds. Or in workplaces. Or in families, where a parent or a sibling bullies. Your partner’sbehaviour is no different.

I have researched and read no end of things in a desperate attempt to ‘understand’ why my ex treated me as he did. I’ve learned a lot about psychology along the way, about personality disorders, about abuse tactics, etc. The information is empowering, but at times can be overwhelming, and if you read stuff that is too close to home or too dark, it can be depressing.

I think in our mission to move towards peace and freedom, we can at times give our minds a bit of a rest, and stop spinning so much, by saying the simple and the obvious: I was involved with a bully.

Our abusers may have used different tactics – some may have used physical aggression, others just mental- but they are all merely bullies at the end of the day.

Maybe seeing them in this very unattractive light will go some way towards loosening the grip of trauma bonding. 💛

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Serenity, thank you for this very helpful post. It made me feel sad to think back over my life and realize that quite a lot I have been the victim of bullying and still am now at work. What is worse is that this is likely to have caused me some psychological damage growing up as I always thought that I was different and I became quite reclusive as a result. Still to this day I feel that I am different than others. These days I actually like being different & choose to be that way. I decided a few years ago to embrace my feelings of being different & I actually now feel this is more of an asset than a hindrance. When I was younger at school I was picked on & it gave me enormous confidence and social problems. This continued throughout my working life and I turned to men to give me confidence boosts as I viewed them as safe. I felt powerful and in control if men liked me, they were mostly just after sex but I didn’t know that at the time. Sadly I have only ever had a couple of successful happy relationships so opting for the safe option of men wasn’t the right thing. I feel i’m now at a stage in my life where I’m at the right place in most areas. I have stopped turning to men as i’ve always done and have no male romantic presence anywhere. I also love my difference and have not followed the herd for some years. I have lack of confidence issues which is likely the result of bullying, your post has made me realize this was actually a behavior and a problem. I always assumed I was the problem and just didn’t fit in. Thank you Serenity. XXXXX

[Ayanna]

Yep, I felt so ashamed when the ex abuser beat me and raped me and humiliated me. For a long time I blamed myself and tried to change so that he was happy with me. But this never happened. He always found a reason to abuse me.

Nowadays I do not feel guilty at all. I do not blame myself anymore.
I blame the system, the abusive family court, the uneducated health care professionals, the corrupt lawyers, the useless judges, the ignorant politicians, all those who support patriarchy.
My approach has changed completely.
I am not afraid to give anybody a peace of my mind if they dare to display patriarchal traits.

[Author]

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