For the first time in forever!

[Winterblues2]

I have been out for around a year and am still back and forth to court over child contact.

I saw him drive past me on (detail removed by moderator) (going to collect our child from a third party who does our handovers) which I always semi expect as I have to drive back the route he comes. As usual my eye was caught by the colour and make of his car (I notice every single one that passes me) and I realised it was him, I saw him through the windscreen as we passed. Usually my stomach would turn and I’d feel shaky and it would effect me for the whole day, but for some reason it didn’t this time!!!! My non-survivor friends don’t get what a big deal this is.

The next day when he returned them to the house, I didn’t exhibit any of my usual behaviours… pacing, heart racing, shaking, feeling nauseous, feeling irritable and needing to wee every 5 minutes for the hour before they arrive. Instead I was really calm and controlled and just got on with it.

I think it is because he has a significant indication that I will not be putting up with any more breaches of court orders and so brings them back exactly on time (to prove his exemplary behaviour to the courts). So at least I know exactly when he’ll arrive and that he won’t approach, talk or even look at me.

I won’t get complacent however, nor can I guarantee that I won’t be anxious again next time or the time after that but at least for now, for the first time in forever, I can look at him without feeling scared and actually feeling like he is the one who should be scared of me!

[Serenity]

I feel so proud of you and for you!

I have been there too: the trembles and shakes when I hear his engine, the throwing up after he has taken the kids off…

And then, fast forward a year, being able to sit alone with him for over 30 minutes at opposite ends of a large room, without panicking, ignoring him and flicking through a magazine!

You don’t believe the fear will ever dissipate, but it does.

Well done, you x*x

[Winterblues2]

Thank you Serenity, I am usually ok at Court which is where I see him most, and have less anxiety symptoms than handover. Probably because I feel safer and know it is unlikely that he will do anything daft. But that was the first time I felt nothing.

xx

[one day at a time]

Yay! Big pat on the back for you! That’s a huge sign you have taken control of your emotions instead of having them controlled by him.
It’s a great feeling to have no feeling – just calm.
Keep strong. Xx

[Winterblues2]

Thank you, one day at a time! I am feeling more empowered and stronger, surprising given that I had an emotional crash the week before Christmas! xx

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