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    • #61469
      fridges
      Participant

      Hello, ladies,
      Can you tell me if you have experience the coercion to sex ? with demands, with force, with manipulation, with disclosing very private things to family and friends, public too.
      Like some times you need to comply with demands, as things could go very bad for you, if you do not do it.
      How you deal with it?
      Any advice would be highly needed.
      X.

    • #61470
      fridges
      Participant

      And number of times – not letting you to sleep, or did in the sleep, or did on you when you are sick? or even when you cried? or not letting you to rest until he gets what he wants.
      I had number of times – when i said no, but there also number of times where i knew he would not stop and leave me in peace, if i will keep refusing the advances.
      Does this make a rape too? or to make you to do it, in the fear?
      If making you scared, to get this, and you did it, does it still make rape?
      or how you call this situation.
      As it was still not on my will.

    • #61474
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      I experienced this too ladies, and was the catalyst to me leaving my marriage. It took me a while to stop calling it sexual coercion, and call it what it was – rape. I did not consent. Being made to repeat consensual phrases does not make it consent. Being threatened with worse sexual acts if I didn’t comply, did not mean me giving in was consent. Fearing that if I kicked up a fuss, he would get violent did not mean I consented. My crying while performing sex acts means that he knew it was not consensual. It was designed to be controlling, punishing and demeaning. He knew exactly what he was doing. He raped me. Over and again.

      As to how I dealt with it, fridges? I’m not entirely sure. I went inside myself, it was like I was someone else; I made plans, I changed his dialogue in my head, and then I escaped. When my gut was screaming at me that I could put up with no more; I ‘said’ enough. Not to him. I called the police. But please, call women’s aid, rape crisis, your GP, domestic violence unit at police – getting out on your own is very scary and very dangerous. Make a plan, get out and make sure you get some specific rape/DV counselling.

      Stay strong, you’re a survivor.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #61482
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hideous abuse seeps into every aspect. Financial, emotional, physical, mental, and yes sexual. I rationalised it by thinking of it as just another form of abuse to add to all the others. It seemed to fit right in there.

    • #61483
      Confused-and-alone
      Participant

      Just to say I have also experienced this. My husband will pester for sex and in the past has physically pushed me out of bed for refusing – or has got up and slammed doors purposely waking our young children so I have to get up and deal with them in the night if I say no. I know now not to say no as it’s over quicker than the fight that comes after if I refuse.

      I have also woken up in the early hours several times to find him already starting to have sex with me – I say no and he carries on and ignores me. I too struggle to label this as rape. However he has a few months ago physically forced me to perform acts I’m uncomfortable with and performed acts on me whilst holding my wrists to stop me from stopping him. I have explained afterwards that I didn’t like it and he hurt me but he seems to think it’s all part of the game and I do like it really.

      I’m planning to leave very soon. It only escalates so please don’t put up with this sort of behaviour from him – as soon as you are uncomfortable with something and he carries on regardless it’s rape, if he pressures you knowing you don’t really want to do it it’s rape. As iwillbeok says you need to make a plan to leave.

    • #61487
      Imfree
      Participant

      HI
      I left my partner a few months ago, one of the things that he did to me was to have sex with me against my will!
      I also struggle with classing it as rape, I had been out excersing with a friend we then drank some wine on empty tummies and I was very drunk, I came home fell over whilst getting undressed and he firstly helped me then undressed me and did it, despite me saying no it hurts.

      I literally don’t know how to move on from this, I was having physco sexual counselling before I left him, this id asked for as I couldn’t cope with him touching me at all even non sexual. How can you ever trust a man again?

      I’m interested to hear if anyone has taken their ex’s to court to get justice for this? the police want me to support it, I’m scared as I don’t know what will happen and its scarey to goto court. I also wonder what happens for my children how they will take any sentencing if he went to prison etc.

    • #61491
      Itwastimetostopit
      Participant

      I didn’t always want sex with him. But if I said no he would have a go storm off the proceed to be a t**t for few days.
      Sometimes it’s easier to give in.

      He would do something’s I didn’t want but then if I voiced it then he would have a go. Then still expect to carry on while I felt like c**p.

      I became more uncomfortable and vulnerable during it.

      He used an object that it wasn’t until it hurt that I found out. He stopped but this effected my trust in him sexually.

      I’ve spoke about it but I’m still blocking how it makes me feel.

    • #61493
      Poodlepower
      Participant

      My partner used sex to make me feel terrible in really odd ways. He would, for example, initiate sex and we would carry on and , I thought, both enjoy it. But afterwards, he would often berate me for how bad I was at sex- how I didn’t move enough and so on. I world cry every time… At other times, he would suddenly scream at me for touching him, but on other occasions he would shout at me for NOT touching him. I began to avoid sex with him as it was so stressful and upsetting.
      I’ve had quite a few relationships and never had problems of this kind so I was confused at his accusations that I was uncaring and selfish in bed.
      As I began to avoid sec with him, he would shout st me for not wanting sex. He would shout at me for not “dressing up” for him but when I did, he would ignore my efforts, which left me feeling stupid. So I stopped trying, and he would shout at me…
      I don’t know what it was all about really. He had been sexually abused as a child so I was really careful not to touch him when he wasn’t in the mood.
      Our sexual relationship has left me very insecure about myself…although I’m in no way ready for a new relationship. Nowhere near.

    • #61494
      fridges
      Participant

      Thank you very much for sharing your experience and thoughts. Lots of love to all of you, hope with time we will grow as more strong and more powerful women.
      I’m safe now, I did not see him for some time. I started by cutting him out slowly, so it will not be obvious for him, what my plan was. For me it was good that we did not live together.
      I started my escape before I found womens aid, could not take it any more.
      The word rape was scary to say it for me, the first i spoke about it – i kept saying forcing himself on me…
      That it happened number of times with the space between the accidents, i also thought, i did not report it the very first time, I went back….And how I also explain this to the police or to someone? I felt very stupid and low about myself, like one time is not enough for me to figure it out, that it was actually rape. it need to happen number of times before i got it and saw the pattern of behaviour.
      When I started to eliminate him, the eyes started to open more and more with each day. I was looking for therapist to help me, as i could not deal it alone with what happened.
      From what I understand so far, reading your stories, it is about control. Rape one of the ways to control you too.
      When he tried to contact me again after some time – I got a big tsunami of past things, in my head it was all again, like i’m going mad. i’m feeling what he was doing on me. it was not going away. just on time i found therapist and seeing regularly, it helps to process. Also waiting the therapy from NHS.

    • #61495
      fridges
      Participant

      @iwillbeok – thank you for your support and all advice on the steps how to deal with it. I’m sorry that you need to go through this dreadful experience.
      That i was going someone else at these moments – i remember too, i did not feel the body it was mine, i did not feel that i’m inside the body, like i saw myself from the side.
      my therapist explained that it is normal reaction, even now i feel a bit alien with my body, i learn to connect to it and feel it is mine, it does belong to me.
      I did not go to the police back then, i was afraid what he can do if he will find out and he would find out. but there was a time when i called and was trying to get an advice.
      with GP i asked for help, after he tried to contact me again.


      @confusedandalone
      – i’m very pleased you are planning to leave, fingers crossed it all will go well. Hope you will be safe soon and fully free. What he is done, it is not right at all. He played with you emotionally to make you to do do sex with him.


      @imfree
      – i understand you very well. I did not go to the police and i feel very scared about this route. i’m afraid of consequences. what he can do to me, how i would be doing emotionally with it. it could take years for me and it will be draining. During this I will not be focus on anything at all, let again have family or have children. Pregnancy will be not be possible. I’m already floating emotionally and what it will do to me, investigation, evidence, then to be in court. I’m not that strong. plus other ifs…then what to expect from him, as he will do the revenge on me, about this i have no doubt. Like you do not know what can happened, they do give you huge surprises.
      But i also understand and feel, that it is not the first time, what he did. the level he went up with me, it is not the amateur. Professional i would say.

      @kim – you had the courage to do it, this is amazing. i have left some details about my situation, i think if there will be a women in the future, who he will do it, i will be possibly contacted. But he is intelligent, first he will get something on her, so she will not be going to the police. some kind sensitive information – to make you to do things. He plans this ahead.


      @itwastimetostopit
      – you are blocking, as you are not ready to deal with it, and admit this even to yourself. That was my survival tool – i was blocking all, i was denying, i was running away from it, as it was too hard to face it.
      when your mind will be ready and you will be ready to open up in the safe way, you will do on your own time.
      more likely you are still blaming yourself, but you should not! It was not your fault!


      @poodlepower
      – your story, reminds me of my first abuser, lots of similarity. I never was good enough in anything for him. There was time when i had vaginismus, it become impossible to have physical. He blamed me for this, but i understand now – that it was his abuse, who made my body react this way.
      if you are not ready for a new relationship, then you are not ready, no need to rush. no need to full feel any expectations of others.
      we need to learn how to come to terms first and heal. Or we can be in dangerous ground again.

    • #61532
      maddog
      Participant

      It’s horrible. The whole thing. I too struggle with the R word. To my ex consent was an alien concept. I was not safe in his presence. He assumed that if he had an erection he could stick it in me on me or at me and I would like it. I would very much like an apology from him. No matter what I said about not liking it or asking him to at least make sure I was awake it fell on deaf ears. I was often afraid to tell him know what I really thought. I also wanted to believe him that it really was his way of showing affection. It wasn’t affection.

    • #61567
      fridges
      Participant

      @maddog – i’m sorry that you went through this, i hope you are safe now. Remember your body is belong now to you and only you.
      I can understand you very well, as in my case he was blaming me for being too beautiful and he can not control himself. This is total absurd! It was not affection – it was rape and force with the excuse ‘affection’
      You made clear about what you like and do not like – he choose to ignore you and i was ignored as well.
      Now I will not let anyone to ignore me like this anymore.
      I have not been intimate for a very long time and I do not want too.

      About apology – i understand, but i was getting apologies about this behaviour and then just to be raped again, as i was stupid enough to believe, he meant it. It is not real apology – as he would do it again, despite of promise he will not behave this way to you.
      The best way is to give yourself closure – it is you can give yourself. I’m not looking validation from him, as i understand he is not able to admit what he done, or when he shortly admitted, then he would go into denial and turn all upside down. As he wants to keep this ‘perfect image ‘ for his own ego.

      I remember how he used to brag – that his friend, treats women… he was a businessman and was using women to get business done.
      Back then i have questions…you have a friend like this..but you tell me that you are so different from him. Then if you are so different? How you can have a friendship with this man?
      Also he will constantly will brag – i never beat a woman, or rise my hand on her. I would prefer that he would do it to me this way then with emotional abuse and coercion. At least i would see much faster!
      Often he would describe horrid actions what was done to women by men.

      in one of the research from university – i read this is one of the signs of abusive men. He will try to divert you with this information from his abuse to you. That what others do, it is much bigger, and he is not like that.

    • #61586
      enofadov
      Participant

      I’m so sorry you have had to go through this, so glad for those who are free and hopeful for those who are making plans to leave.

      I still can’t call it rape, I still say it only happened once but others are telling me the (Detail removed by Moderator) years of coercing me to have anal sex by making me feel guilty and ruined because I was not a virgin when we met was not quite right, that being generally aggressive until I satisfied his needs and then being living was not how I should have been treated, that constantly asking half way through mutually enjoyable sex for things to happen that I wasn’t comfortable with wasn’t a loving thing to do, that having sex with me while I cried isn’t normal, that spending long periods of time crying alone after sex shouldn’t be how I feel.
      And yet why can’t I hear them? Why can’t I report him? Why do I worry he doesn’t know what I was unhappy with? Why can’t I remember when he laughed in my face when I mentioned my councillor had used the word rape, why can’t I be mad about how he tried to include in our divorce reasons (Detail removed by Moderator) Why can’t I forget his face as he pinned me down and yet I can’t do anything about it?
      I’m free in theory but my mind is still his and I hate it

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