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this is a weird train of thought – after watching something that i wasnt sure would trigger me. i did find this very very gruelling and also poignant to watch – the ‘victim’ on bbc. it is about a woman seeking justice and closure when she looses her son (he is murdered) the thread that ran through was that she needed to know everything – why this happened.she in the end protected her sons murder from the same fate. i felt that i was comparing my situation although hers far more extreme and irrepairable obviously. it did come to the conclusion though that forgiveness is the only thing that can heal you. i am searching and so desperately want to heal from this – but i have to admit the thought of ever forgiving is beyond me. maybe in time i will forgive and i know that this makes me the better person. i know also in most faiths this is the key. any thoughts i know this is a little on the edge to be talking about and i cant say im there yet by a long shot xx love diymum
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Hey DM, yes I have thought about this alot, and have reached the conclusion it seems it’s the only way to be truly free of this – to forgive him; but I am not there yet either. How does it go…forgive them because they know not what they do or something like?
It’s forgiving him for your own sake really though isn’t it, but unfortunately to get there it means forgiving him first. No I just wont do it lol!
We can work on forgiving the self, which I have done. It means understanding why I stayed, my part in it and how I got there. I have let this go now and that was a huge chunk of forgiveness that I def needed!
I’m always struck by those who forgive the murderer for such a heinous crime. There is a scheme where these people can be brought together and has proven much help to both parties, the victims have questions they need to ask and the person behind bars didnt realise it, but he needed to hear how this has effected their lives and to take this onboard, which in turn seems to enable him/her to take on the personal responsibilty required to start their healing. It’s quite often the case that these people never considered the impact on others until this point. They set this up with burglars too – when both parties are willing of cousre – bet you could find some stuff online about the outcomes if you’re interested.
He didn’t murder my child, but he did damage her and our relationship – he has disbaled me as her helper at times, quite a lot of the time tbh, and I am as yet to see how this will turn out; we will try our hardest to help them grow from this hey, turn it into strength; but we have no idea yet how things will turn out and there are many days spent feeling like we are losing the battle.
One arguement maybe that most of us impact on our children negatively one way or another, that they use this for growth, that they take from us and their expereince of us and decide that’s not how I’m going to do it with my children or how I want to be in the world. There’s no such thing as the perfect parent really is there.
I think the key difference here is that these families have been given justice. The murderer does pay for the life behind bars. We often only have karma – which for me means, he will never be happy because a person cant go through life being selfish and uncaring of others and reach contentment or feel any kind of forfillment; sadly though, it also means while he is still breathing he still impacts on others hey.
I have thought about him and the start he had in life and pity this; and I do think he has very limited capacity for growth, maybe even a peronality disorder, which I see as a learning difficulty.
I also beleive we are all human and make mistakes, blunders, have regrets, get through, do what we need to do at that time, feel we have limited, rubbish choices sometimes; know now what we didnt know then…
I also know that I can only control the person I am, develop me, that I like to consider others, I also know not everyone is like this and that’s just how it is – we are all different and often that is a great thing. I’d love to be in a position where I can love the selfish people anyway – still working on that, developing compassion – I think this is a part of finding forgivness too.
I guess that the first step is about accepting that I dont need him to pay for his crime, because it still feels like he got away with it and continues to do so.
I do know he is what he is and that when I’m not angry with him, I pity him, as he never feels the joy of giving just because you can and for no other reason, he’s not free to love and he can’t be in the moment as he’s working overtime trying to hide stuff all time, he isnt free to be – he simply doesn’t have this with in him – and he will never experience a meaningful, intimate relationship with anyone – which is all really sad hey.
This makes me think that it is also about being in the best place possible ourselves – before we can forgive, maybe when we know and feel we are all we can be and feel content in the self, then it will be the time we can truly forgive? xx
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maybe its getting to the point of acceptance – like when we understand why it happened and realise that we couldnt change whats happened – to sort of embrace it, let it go and be free again? this is a deep one isnt it? in the TV show her husband says to her your giving him all the power back by being so angry and she is thinking an eye for an eye. in forgiving what has happened she does get closure – i think first and fore most i need to work on forgiving myself xx and when i write that i know alread we have nothing to forgive do we? god my heads in a spin now after watching that!! lots of love fizz 🙂 x*x
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Just watching the last episode now DM.
Yes reckon acceptance is a big part.
I have a friend who was gang raped when she was still in junior school, and it was her own mother who knowingly set it up, possibly even took a payment. She was also violent and kept her locked away in her room for the best part of her childhood; due to the abuse she unable to ever conceive later in life. I’m telling you this as she can not be identified but also because I know she absolutely wouldnt mind if she knew I was telling her story to help others.
She forgave her mum, she says she loved her. I struggle to understand this a great deal. I think what she is saying is that yes her mother was often a dreadful person, a victim herself in many ways, but she loved her anyway. Not for the person she was, more because she wanted love not hate in her heart and the freedom this gives her – because this is her choice she feels a self empowerment in the decision; guess this has also helped her in other situations in life as well, when she has needed to find forgiveness, if she can forgive her mother for this, then there is not a lot else that she cant forgive hey. She also believes in not aportioning blame, she’s only concerned with working out what next, is there a lesson here? What needs to happen now?
I admire this woman a great deal, she is the wisest and most compassionate being I know, she has struggled with adversity and overcome. She makes me think there is a way for me and for others to find forgiveness and feel free – but that maybe we need to want it first x
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yeh i didnt think it would be but it is nice to share your thoughts 🙂 its what im gonna aim for eventually because ive wasted so much energy being angry and its actually got me know where physically ill maybe? 🙂 always an option especially onve we come to the conclusion it wasnt anything like love anyway – kind off makes it even easier to let it go xxxx onwards and upwards fizz 🙂
i mentioned ths tv series to a few people and they said no im not watching that it sounds depressing – must admit it was hard going to watch but it did make the hairs on my arms stand up xx hope you guys are good were enjoying the holidays 🙂 im unrecognisable after much splashing at swimming lol xx take care
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Forgive them not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace.
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I like that @Landy, it shows compassion to yourself.
I’ve not watched it yet @DIY , better get a move on before I leave for good.
@Fizzy, I find people shy away from difficult topics conversations and circumstances, I guess, admitting and seeing ugliness in the world is too much unless you HAVE to deal with it . Look at all the negativity that bombards us daily, 24/7 access to news via t.v., internet and newspapers. for sanities sake many choose not to watch or read in order to protect themselves.
My personal feelings because of what we’ve gone through is we will read and watch just about anything in order to make sense of why, or to maybe find out how to leave or get them to change.
We have learned in order to go on, we have to forgive, as hate and guilt keep us trapped, in limbo.
Good thread DIY.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Hiya ladies,
I’ve read all your thoughts and comments regarding forgiveness. It’s my biggest problem. I just can’t do it. I can’t move on. I’m living a new life now with a new man and our lovely wee child. But my hatred and instability regarding my ‘previous life’ keep coming up and interfering with our happiness.My hatred for my ex-husband is vast & deep. He took away the one thing I treasured – being a mum. He knew that was how to break me. and it did.
It kills me to know he’s living quite happily …all he did was pluck me out of his life and replace me with a new woman. He made sure that his life remained exactly the same – he kept everything….our children, our home, our life. I left with nothing. I lost my MIND. Ended up in someone’s back room with no job no money. It’s called rock bottom. Major breakdown. Still on a LOT of medication just to take me thru every day.
WHY DOES HE GET TO BE HAPPY?
He callously and calculatingly ripped me to shreds. I was an easy target as I had zero confidence, I’d had lots of abuse as a girl as both my parents were alcoholics – my dad was the one I was scared of who’d beat me up…. Hahah I thought I was better off coz my new husband Didn’t HIT me. Stupid young woman looking for affection. He was charming good-looking cocky….. He made jokes about me all the time, bullied me, made me feel like I was worth s**t. I was a bad mother, a bad cook, a c**p wife, I was common, I was an embarrassment, I was a flirt, a w***e….The number of times I ended up in a ball on the floor in a corner…..hmph…..my only happiness was my two children…..I got pregnant with a third but he made me have an abortion. Och eventually I just cracked…my head felt like moosh, and I couldn’t breath, I was beggin for help…and you know what the b*****d did? he went and fetched his fancy camera and took photos of my breakdown. He used those photos to blackmail me….either I signed the divorce papers giving him everything and custody of our children or he’d show the judge just how nuts and unbalanced I was , and he’d get me declared an unfit mother.So I sit with nothing because my father and my husband did a real good job of abusing me. HOW THE F**K am I supposed to forgive them? to move on? to get rid of this black bit in my heart? How do I forgive myself for NOT standing up to them all that time….for indirectly not being there for my children?
If you met me you would NEVER guess all this was going on inside my head. I’m chirpy, smiley, helpful ….. the meds work very well. But I can feel when the depression is bubbling up to the surface …..and it’s hard to cover it up. But I refuse to let it ruin my life.
Hopefully writing this here will make you girls and ladies realise that you must not take one bit of cruelty from any man. If they hit you or bully you, THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. no matter what they say. you are there for a purpose and that’s to make THEM feel powerful. If they can be mean to you , get the hell out. Don’t listen to his soft sweet words of apology. It’s all c**p. If he loves you he will treat you nice, respect you and trust you. I know because I now have a man that really loves me. And it is heaven. I didn’t know it was possible and still I worry that I’m gonna wake up and it’s all a dream….and those 2 b******s are standing laughing at me for being so stupid as to think someone would love me…
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im the same – and been so angry for a very long time, but probably to my own detriment because i get physically ill dealing with all these emotions. its been nearly 2 decades and a half ive been dealing with his abuse. its a long time xx i just feel that i need to try to get on with my life and not let this affect me anymore (if i can) but first i have to forive myself, i will never forget what he did and i know that it was evil beyond belief =like yourself he took/destroyed everything – but im determined to move on and be finally free from him especially in my own head – if that means rising above what he did im hoping that is the answer x*x love diymum
we know we are the better person xx
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I forgave him. I still do get angry at him though some days but once the anger dissipates, there is forgiveness left. I like what Landy said; to forgive for ones own peace of mind, not because he deserve it.
He also took absolutely everything leaving me with nothing – kids, social life and house – he did leave me alive though. I now have my life and my freedom and the will to rebuild from scratch.
I need to understand before I can forgive anyone and I understand that abusers steal, cheat and lie so it makes sense that he took everything because that’s what he is and what abusers do. Sad him. He will never be happy and that’s his punishment.
Once I get my depression and anxiety sorted out, preferably out of my body for good this year, I will be able to live a happy life and experience joy with new friends and hopefully a new family of my own. -
We can’t change the past, anytime spent invested in anger with what happened before only effects us and those around us, never him; try to shelve the past, put it to one side for now – deal with it later, then maybe later will never come and it will get smaller and smaller as time passes.
We need to work on removing him from life and the mind. It is possible to train the mind to think other things when he pops in – meditate or do anything other than think about what he did or how did I let this happen. Tell yourself ‘nope, not going there anymore’.
Please forgive yourselves, this is something you can do, you know now what you didnt know then! You cant hang yourselves for not knowing. We all make mistakes and unwise decsions in life – no one gets through life without doing this – they are also known as lessons. We all feel our choices are poor and limited sometimes, do what we think is needed at the time. This is the anger you can let go of now, you did nothing wrong, all you did was try to love.
You made a mistake letting him in, you wont do this again, because you have promised yourself that you will always listen to your inner voice now and respond to it, and give yourself what it is you need now and always, you learnt this the hard way, but you have grown and learnt a great deal so you really can forgive yourself now x
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