Forgiveness and moving on?

[Graysky]

I spent (detail removed by moderator) in a abusive relationship. To cut a long story short I left for good  (detail removed by moderator) ago. I am so much happier now but things feel kind of weird.
My ex accepted the fact that I left quite early on and has been nice to me and contacts me for a chat or email at least once a week.
However i know he blames my eating disorder for me leaving . Towards the end of out relationship it was what caused alot of arguments.
I don’t think he realises what he did to me. Never sorry always somehow my fault.
Sometimes I go over in my head what it was like to live with him and recall how I just wanted him dead and this makes me sad but talking to him now it’s like nothing happened. I actually feel sorry for him.
He has been really helpful to me and made it clear he still wants to be friends. I worry if I ever met anyone else how he would react.?
Its nice that we can still be friends after (detail removed by moderator) and I never imagined he would be like this and accepting of me leaving. Sometimes it might be easier if he didn’t.
I kind of want to be angry and want to talk about and remember the past.
I don’t want to just let it go as if none of it happened but know I need too.

[Scapegoat]

Hi Graysky, (detail removed by moderator) is a longtime to be with someone, you made the brave move to leave but you had still shared moments together over the years so you were going to have some kind of bond together. It sounds as though you don’t trust the situation because you know it of old. You’re happier now which is great and your ex has accepted it even better but it sounds like you still have warning bells in the back of your head. Of course he blames you for what happened it’s easier that way. He doesn’t have to feel responsible then. I’m still with my oh and he never recognises that his actions contribute to our relationship. Sometimes I think he’s playing games, other times I feel like he genuinely doesn’t think it’s him as he feels he tries his very best- it’s mind boggling and a question that bugs me and frustrates me. I feel just like you did, wishing something terrible would happen just to make the situation stop. Then I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way. But you did it you moved on. Of course you still relive the past and you’re angry, could you speak to somebody else about it as bottling it up will only end up in it being buried deep and re-emerging at some point. I also get that you want answers. I saw a counsellor last year as I wanted questions answering as to why?I wanted to know strategies of how I could fix it. Sadly all I learned was I could never fix it and I would never get the answers I required. Then I tried accepting, trying to forgive- it doesn’t work but I haven’t got the bottle to go so I just bumble along.
Just take care of yourself and be wary 💖

[Graysky]

Thank scapegoat for replying to my post. I was thinking of getting some kind of counselling but feel it would be just somehow be self indulgence as there are so many people is need of this help and really just get on with my new life.
I bumbled along for far too long and the longer I did it the more regret I felt.
I pray that one day soon you will find the courage to do what you know you want to do with your life. I promise you it will be worth it xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Graysky,

So glad you left and got out of that relationship and that you are much happier now.

However, if things feel weird, they feel weird, trust your gut.

He is still blaming you for things why the relationship failed. He is not accepting the relationship failed, he is blaming you. Even if that was the reason, it is not something that happened to you by choice. It’s no different to blaming someone for getting cancer. You can’t.

So what is the ‘weird feeling’? Do you worry he is trying to worm his way back in to your life? That because he’s being ‘nice’ you may have to agree to meet up with him or be his friend? That the more of the little things you give in to he’ll just push the boundaries and want more?

Like you, I also wished my ex would die when I was with him. I thought that would be my only escape too. There is no way I could be friends with my ex, fiends may be, but not friends!

Realign your boundaries. If this isn’t what you really want then don’t do it.

[Graysky]

Thanks wants to help for your reply . Yes I think I should trust my gut instinct reduce my contact with him.x

[Anonymous]

Eh, he just hates to lose. It was an investment of his afterall. Tons of manhours put in to brainwash, gaslight, coerce, blame, etc. He must get more bang for his buck here. It’s alot like still going back to the same butcher when you know you got poisoned meat there before and became ill from it. Still buying meat there? Not nearly as often you say..?

There is this thing in us that says – but, but, but….I did sooo believe in the illusion of him and sooo wanted it to be true and so loved the charm….maybe I was right about him afterall and it is all me!!!

And he sits back feeling all puffed up now, very self satisfied that you took the bait…again, even after you are out. He just wants to see if – he’s still got it? They have no real pride. Just arrogance and the love of the – hunt. Trust me, he disrespects you even more because he could reel you back in this far again. A friend to you? How so? I’d do a total turnabout, tell him nothing why. Drop his friendship in the gutter, block him from phone, email, wherever and have total apathy in his direction. He’s messing with your head again.

[Camel]

Hi Graysky

Forgive me if my comment comes too late and you’ve already cut all ties with your ex. (detail removed by Moderator)

You say ‘he made it clear he still wants to be friends. I worry if I ever met anyone else how he would react.’

Can you see that he is still in control? This continued contact is at his insistence. You wished him dead yet here is, hanging around like a bad smell. You worry about how he will react if you move on, despite it being no longer his business.

You say ‘my ex accepted the fact that I left quite early on and has been nice to me and contacts me for a chat or email at least once a week.’

Do you think he’s really accepted that you’ve left? How is continuing to contact you ‘nice’? If an ex (abusive or not) insisted on emailing and calling I’d be telling them straight to stop it. You can tell him that now if you want to.

You say ‘I know he blames my eating disorder for me leaving.’

Why are you and him still playing the blame-game? You’ve left. It’s over. What he tells himself shouldn’t really concern you. You’ll never get him to accept blame or responsibility for his actions. Isn’t that one of the reasons it ended?

You say ‘I never imagined he would be like this and accepting of me leaving.’

I don’t believe he’s accepted you leaving at all. He’s involving himself in your life. He’s portraying himself as ‘reasonable’ and maybe making you question how bad things really were. Did you want him sticking around, being your ‘friend’, or were you too polite to ignore him or tell him to get lost?

But more importantly, why is it you think need his ‘acceptance’ to leave? Do we women need permission to end relationships? Does the final say on these matters rest with men?

[Author]

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