Found a house, now to tell him & kids

[searchingforhope]

So I’ve found a house, quite unexpectedly, I hadn’t really planned it. It’s nice and I’m dreaming of being at peace there. I was nervous viewing it but then quite ok with the whole process of it.
However then when I got to bed last night I couldn’t sleep, mind racing as to all the things I’ll need, what if he doesn’t let me take things I want to take, what if he loses it when I tell him I’m actually giving in and leaving the house, how will the kids take it . . . I know I need to slow it down and take it one thing at a time.
I’m sure in time things will settle, but I’m absolutely terrified of the next step now & the transition.
Has anyone any advice?

How do I tell the kids? I know it’s best to tell them together, but I’m terrified of what he will say.

Do I give him much notice, and I don’t mind like as if to a landlord? I mean do I tell him I’ve found somewhere or just tell him it is over I’m leaving and I need a few weeks to just organise myself and i’ll be gone by (detail removed by moderator) with kids.
Do I just try get out fast as I can once I’ve said it?

I’d really appreciate any help or advice at all

thanks x*x

[KIP.]

Do not tell him you’re leaving. Not a word. Not a hint. Get all your ducks in a row. Plan to take absolutely everything you need and move when he’s out. Get the kids stuff moved too and get some legal advice. Make sure you’re the resident parent. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a woman. Do not believe a word he says. Everything changes when he loses control and he will make your life unbelievably difficult, turn the kids against you and bad mouth you to anyone who will listen. I know this feel drastic but these men are not reasonable human beings. Once you’re out and safe and legally and financially out of his reach you can reassess.

[Bananaboat]

As Kip says if you can do it covertly then do,, but I get it that’s scary. I’ve told mine it’s over and one or both of us needs to leave, for weeks he’s tried every tactic to convince me it’s not over and now he’s realised it’s not working and I’m sticking to it, his abuse is escalating. I know what you mean about taking things as they are yours but maybe also have a back up plan if you can’t take them, things can be replaced after all and aren’t worth risking your safety. If you feel like you want to tell him then I’d say give as little notice as possible and make sure others know so that you’re safe.

[searchingforhope]

Ok thanks very much. That does seem drastic. I guess I’m still hoping he will be reasonable and accept it. But the chances of that are God knows what!

I’ve a few days to play with anyway, so must just figure it out. I’m really hoping he will just give me time to pack and sort myself out, least he could do when I’m going to leave.

This is just torturous! Feels too much to deal with, it really really does.

[nbumblebee]

OMG you are amazing and wow yes this is fab.
Scarey but fab go you.
Now take a deep breath and calm your boots first.
You need to be calm.
As the others say he doesnt deserve any explanation at all does he explain why he treats you the way he does? No you owe him nothing and he will do all he can to stop you so dont let him
Get all your ducks in order line em up ready to go then GO GO go.
Talk to your kids altogether explain as best as you can to them once you are out you can then tell him through a second person.
Your main worry must be your kids and your safety get safe first then tell him.
This is gonna take alot of bravery alot my goodness I think you are increable and i hope you feel it too, this is the start of a free life sweetie go grab it xx

[Grey Rock]

Like others said, presume that he won’t be reasonable (if our abusers were reasonable firstly they wouldn’t be abusive and secondly we wouldn’t feel the need to leave them).

Also do not give him your address. If you can set false trails to different areas so much the better. Join groups for villages that are likely but not where you’re going. Presume that he will spend time stalking you to locate you. I felt very silly setting false trails but it paid off big time!
Also, get the most important stuff out now. Passports, medication, certificates, driving licences, car documents. All in a folder and out to be stored in a safe place.
Take time to change passwords to everything. Social media, online accounts where he may be able to financially sabotage you. Remember that Amazon in particular can be linked to Smart TVs. I tripped on that one.
If you’re unsure how to block messages and calls on your phone have some practice now. A lot of us have had the unfortunate phone bombing experience where an app is used to send countless messages which can overload the phone when you most need it and render it useless.
All this sounds very dramatic and scary, but it’s best to be prepared.

Also, there are lots of grants available for people having to resettle due to Domestic Abuse. Get in touch with your local DA / Women’s Aid and see what resources and support they can offer. You can search for grants to apply for online. I’ll find the link later and add it.

Please act with stealth and care.
As others have said, when we leave is the time that can be most dangerous.

GR x

[Grey Rock]

Ps if there is someone that the kids can go to for a little holiday / sleepover for a couple of days, so much the better. Someone you can trust to be discreet if course and where he won’t go looking for them.

Xx

[Grey Rock]

If you Google
grants turn2us uk domestic abuse that should take you to the info for applying for financial support that may be available to you. This isn’t just for people on benefits or low incomes, as many of us come out of these relationships financially ground down and without all of our possessions and need some help to get back on our feet.

GR x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for all your advice. All so valid, but also so daunting.

[Grey Rock]

Sorry it seems daunting Searching. It’s best to go into it with your eyes open and prepared for the worst. Hopefully it won’t all turn out to be necessary, but it’s best to safeguard yourself as much as possible.

I also sent you a private message.

GR xx

[Teaandcats]

…when I tell him I’m actually giving in…

WHOA WHOA WHOA. you are n o t “giving in”, you are doing an amazing, courageous thing.

As everyone else has said, secret = safe.

About the kids, it might be worth telling school you’re leaving, and when, first. That way they can support the kids and might even be able to offer wrap-around or alternative pick-up/drop-off times for the first few days, just incase he comes looking for you. This is where things for me feel scariest – school pickup and drop off.
For me, telling them depends of their age. If they’re young and might accidently tell him, that could be bad for you. But if they’re older and know a bit about what’s going on, then I’d say tell them a few days before. They knight be able to help you with some packing. Or arrrange to sleep over a friend’s house the night that you move, to give you a bit of headspace.

Re: storing things over the next few days – if you work, keep a box/bag or two of things there maybe if possible – clothing or things that you need but wouldn’t mind leaving in a more public place. And a trusted friend or family member the same. If you’re not ready to tell other people, you could just tell them you’re having a clear out and it would be helpful if they could store a bad or two of things you’re keeping for x-days while you ditch the junk?
And those super important things, on your person at all times or you can post them to your new address for a day or two after you’re moving in – you can ask the postoffice to ‘hold’ sending thing until a specific date. It’s a bit more pricey than some options, but secure. That way, you know that stuff is safe, and will act as a preventer to you deciding to stay last minute.

Good luck – you’re doing an amazing thing.

[Author]

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