- This topic has 21 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by
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Feel dirty, sad and useless.
I was using his apple id (with his permission) to put games on our sons computer and in his purchase history was tinder.
Ive looked into the app and its not the sort of thing you would download to wind a friend up or some other excuse he could use – but I’m too scared to confront him.Why am i so scared? We lived apart for several years due to my job and he had ample opportunity to play away if he had wanted to. Ive looked on his phone and its not on there now, i don’t know what to do.
TTMO x
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I’m not surprised. A month ago you wrote that you refused him sex and that he was all moody and rejected by it.
this is what we do when we are emotional. Do something stupid. But with an abuser there is the intention “to get back” at the person for what ever perceived rejection/slight they feel.
Abusive men feel entitled to seek sex else where if they can’t get it at home. Then they blame you saying that you rejected them and didn’t give them the sex that they “need”
Hogwash.
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Vile vile vile disgusting man I found all sorts in my husbands phone. They just don’t care who they hurt or what they do as long as they get what they want. Selfish!!! Why would anyone woman want to have sex with a man who abuses them? You want to give your heart, body and soul to a man who loves every single bit of you and treats you with respect, love, humane and and as an equal! They are deluded to think we would want to have sex with them they are deluded to the maximum level they really have such an ego because they really think they’re something that they’re not and can never be and that’s something special. Don’t flatter you’re free is something that springs to mind!!! Xxxx
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Sahara- you are spookily accurate. I didn’t want my ex touching me at the end, as he was so arrogant and unkind to us all, and he stayed out one night, leaving a week later. In his rants he says I didn’t let him touch me. Tellingly, he said we hadn’t had sex for three months ( untrue- these abusers rewrite history to suit them), suggesting he’d been seeing someone for that time.
There is no respect for the woman, for all she’s put up with, giving birth and raising his kids, endless cooking, washing, toiling for years…it means nothing to them.
They are so shallow and entitled, they just want their urges satisfied.
Time To Move On: I can imagine your shock. Please take some strength from this forum, where so many good women have been treated the same. There seems to an abusive breed of person who lives on such a selfish, shallow level.
I don’t know what you want to do, but it will be the elephant in the room if you don’t ask him about it. At the same time, you risk his rage if he is exposed.
Knowing what you do now, with him looking at Tinder, what does this mean for you? I think once trust is gone, you can’t get it back, I think. Maybe use this latest thing to assess further what you want to do long term.
Hugs X
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If you confront him he will twist everything and accuse you of spying on him. I can just imagine how the conversation would go. How he was just messing around, looking for a date for a friend. Or he may just say you’re not giving him enough sex and he’s going elsewhere. What do you want to come from confronting him? You’re scared because you know his reaction and you know he’s guilty. You’re scared to face the truth that he is an abuser and a cheat. It’s painful to accept that someone you love and you think loves you in return, would abuse you this way.
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I had a strong suspicion that my ex was using online dating whilst we were together. He once accused me of doing it (projection), I wasn’t. I was 100% faithful and committed all of the way through. These men are absolutely dirty dogs and we DO NOT NEED THEIR S**T!!!
I can guarantee to you this: When I was with my ex I had severe crippling anxiety, insecurity, doubt, fear, all day every single day. I could not sleep and had to use sleeping tablets, even they did not help. When I did get to sleep I would scratch my face, grind my teeth and rip my sheets in my sleep. I would wake up with shredded sheets and scratches. I was a complete and utter nervous wreck. He on the other hand, was calm, supreme and powerful (he believed) a king of the castle, a calm relaxed exterior and a content smile on his face. He slept like a baby.
I dumped (detail removed by Moderator) months ago now. I sleep ok, I feel calm, my breathing is regular and normal, I have concentration and focus. I feel optimistic and I am making concrete plans for my future. This has taken time, full No Contact and reading and researach on abuse, I have tons of resources I can send to you in a private message. Life is good, positive and calm, we don’t need these lies, cheats and lowlife users. If you have doubts about him my advice is to get rid of him.
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Thank you all so much.
I haven’t confronted him – and I know I should but it’s almost like there is a mental block that is stopping me from challenging him. If I think about it as if a friend had confided in me, I would advise them to speak to their other half, but at the moment I just can’t. I know that if he had been on there and even cheated on me the once I would have the green light to kick him out for good (and I know that I have that in other ways but this would be so final and not subject to interpretation).
I know he would deny and make me out to be the crazy one if I dared even suggest it, or would come up with some stupid excuse as to why it was downloaded. I feel like a prisoner – does that sound over dramatic? I feel trapped in this relationship and I don’t know if I can get out.
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Dear TTMO, when I read your post I too wondered if he had put the app on there to test you. If he knew that you had free access to his phone he may have been deliberately seeing if you would look at it (screwed up thinking but they are screwed up). Once my ex left his phone in my house, my mum said to me do I think that he deliberately did that, to see if I would snoop, it never occurred to me at the time, I thought he had just accidentally left it there. There are quite a few ways of checking to see if somebody is cheating on you, checking their phone, email & social media is one way of doing this. There are also other ways if you do want to find out. I am free now, but I feel for you, I do not miss the sheer crippling anxiety, suspicion and doubt. I said to myself when I got out, if you have that level of fear and doubt, something has to be wrong. When I was with my ex i was so suspicious of him, i spent a lot of money on reading material and considered hiring a private investigator, I just did not trust him, I had no concrete proof just a gut feeling. With a normal healthy relationship, one party shouldn’t feel so on edge all of the time. I think my ex was a complete liar & possibly a con-man, I caught him lying to my face, he may have lied to me all of the way through and been cheating for much of the time, i do not know as he was a covert abuser who was good at blame shifting & covering his tracks. But gut feeling and intuition is invaluable at these times. X*X
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Maybe you need to feel brave enough to start trying to find out if he is cheating. I wasn’t brave enough to do this, I think in my heart I knew he might have been up to something, and to find out would have just been too hurtful so I put my head in the sand instead. You have said this will give you your green light to get rid of him.
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The thing is that the app is no longer actually on his phone as I have checked. When you download something from the App Store it stays in your purchase history. What makes things more complicated is that at one point we lived a large number of miles apart from each other. During this time he told me that he had fantasies about having another man in bed with us – he says he has no attraction to men but what he described would lead me to believe that’s a lie. I can’t say much more without giving too much away but it could be that I’m talking about him having an affair with a man! I could be way off of the mark, and anything he’s done would have been for the time we were living apart – but unless I can prove it there is no way I can confront him. I could join the dating site under a false profile (male and female) and see if he is on there still – but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. I feel like he is making me do crazy things and I don’t know what way is up!
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All what you have said points to gas lighting (have you seen the 1945 film Gaslight?),it available to download from Amazon. He might have deliberately put the app on to get you to see it to purposely make you worried. And then equally quietly remove the app, again to make you feel like you are crazy. The film Gaslight is all about this. The female character feels like she is going mad, seeing things and then not seeing them. The male character, her husband is deliberatly moving things and criticizing her and putting her down. She is reduced to a nervous wreck. This is not to say your partner isn’t cheating. I guess if you felt brave enough you could do some more digging. You would possibly need to be prepared for what you might find. If I had discovered my ex was being unfaithful when I was in the relationship I was have been absolutely distraught. I think it was probably an subconscious self protection mechanism i put in place when I kept my head in the sand. He was an accomplished liar though & i just did not trust him, my gut instinct told me that time and time again.
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I feel numb, like if I pretend it hasn’t happened then I won’t have to deal with it. But at the same time I feel like if I actually let myself feel it I will explode and he won’t know what has hit him.
I feel like I’m going crazy at times, every night is littered with nightmares. Dreams about me trying to keep my kids safe from all sorts of my worst nightmares – fire, falling down flights of stairs, car crashes etc etc. Sometimes I’m desperately trying to keep them safe and he is doing something stupid that endangers them.
I literally cannot make a decision on my own, I’m forgetting so much – simple things that I should be able to remember, I get confused easily and my anxiety is through the roof.
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Dear TTMO, I am so sorry, I really feel for you. I was EXACTLY where you are now, I felt exactly the same and experienced the same things. I got rid of him some time ago. Nowadays I feel calm, I sleep ok i feel focussed, positive and I smile and laugh sometimes. What helped me was achieving an element of closure when he and I officially split. Prior to this he was treating me like s**t but we were still together. When we actually finished I felt in a way a sigh of relief as I could action plan my way forward. Then I was an avid reader of anything abuse related, there is tons of stuff available. I posted on here every hour of every day. I maintained full no contact. I allowed time to pass by and tried to look after myself. AS the time goes on you will heal & feel better I promise you. I have an absolute wealth of literature & info, I will PM you with it all. In the meantime you may want to look on here at these threads:
1. Can anybody give any examples of gas lighting?
2. Plausible Deniablity
3. Silent treatment
4. Intermittent Reincforcment -
I would really appreciate a PM with all of that information in it – as and when you have a chance. Today i have realised that i have come to dread the weekend as it is when i have to deal with him without a break. Today has been awful and i have come close to reaching my limit.
I went back into his Apple Download history and found that he had downloaded an app that tracks people. Sadly it doesnt tell me when it was downloaded, but it has put the fear of God into me. I can’t see any reason he would want to download it unless it was to keep tabs on me. The app itself could only be used if i gave it permission from my phone – which i have not, but i will be checking my phone to make sure it has not been hidden on there without my knowledge.
(detail removed by Moderator)
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Just makes me realise the way his mind works! And to be honest it worries me greatly x
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I’ve had a look and i can’t see anything. The thing is, before I realised what he was REALLY like I had a different phone which he had free access to. This one he has never been able to touch. He thinks the reason I have a passcode on it is because I am having an affair, the actual reason is that I think he was reading my emails and I want to be able to come on here without fear of being caught or having to clear my history every time I come on here.
I am going to see if anyone can recommend somewhere that can have a look over my phone – if he has been tracking me then I want to be able to do something about it!
Thank you for all of the love xx
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Dont confront him! I confronted my ex over a number that was calling him (it wasnt a contact as it didnt have a saved name) he claimed it was this guy he knew but guess what that number and name was already saved in the phone.
He went off the wall, called me a liar and sai i was checking up on him ( this was all in front of my nan) then after he was all over me but acted weird when we got home.Its always the womens fault, it wi be like i got that app as u werent putting out kinda thing, they love to twist things.
Ignore it hun xx
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See, that’s why I have been reluctant to confront him. I need to work on my exit strategy, I can’t even tell you how long it will take me, but I’ve made up my mind. This is done.
I sat at my desk today and asked myself why the hell I let someone treat me the way I let him treat me. Often i justify it by saying, well it’s only me and I don’t matter. But I DO matter and he needs to see my self worth. I’ve slowly dragged my self confidence from the floor and although it’s not sky high it’s enough to make me see a bit more clearly.
TTMO X
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Hey HUn
Good luck on focusing on your exit startegy, again u r rigth u deserved to be treated with respect, yhey do break our confidence , but dont worry good sign is u r recongising it is wrong, i think we take it just to keep peace as dealing with their confrontation is horrible, but we know deep down we have to stand up to them
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