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    • #124377
      Lookforward5678
      Participant

      So my abuse had been happening for (detail removed by moderator)  when we met I already had a daughter and we went on to have a son together the abuse escalated from control over all aspects of my daily life and turned physical from time to time. The abuse then went on to the family pet which is when the relationship ended and me and my children left but it didn’t stop there it continued to get worse it went from admitting what he did and how he thought he would change to then saying it was all in my head he then broke into the house his (detail removed by moderator) with him assaulting me and trying to drag me out and I went back to get my son who was witnessing all of this (detail removed by moderator) who was also there encouraged me to pack some things and leave during this a friend rang the police, he then tried to take my house keys to lock me and our son in the property until he returned and moved himself back in he was arrested (detail removed by moderator)  but didn’t have chance to take my front door keys . I guess my question is does it get easier will I eventually not be terrified at every car driving past thinking it’s him and he’s coming back? Will I stop shaking and crying every time I hear a bang or loud noise , will I eventually be able to live a normal life without fear for myself and my children ?

      Sorry for the long message I’m knew to this and I’m just interested in knowing how people have overcome there fear or if they have .

    • #124380
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hello and welcome. The answer is YES. It was the same question I asked myself when my ex was arrested. Absolutely zero contact with him is a priority. If you do have to have contact over child arrangements then use a third party. If he doesn’t have bail conditions, please get a civil non molestation order. Contact your local women’s aid for support and advice. Talk to your GP about counselling. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s very common as it an escalation of abuse after child birth when abusers see us as extra vulnerable. You can absolutely recover from this. It’s difficult and it’s a rollercoaster ride. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. These men are predictable so keep posting as asking questions as sadly most of us will have experienced what you’re going through and there’s a pattern of their behaviour. No doubt he will be trying to discredit you, and play the victim himself so it’s important that you report his abuse to your GP and keep a journal. This will be good evidence when he decides to involve the courts over child custody. Do not allow him access to your child until you have a legal primary carer document because he has as much right to keep your child as you do until something is in place. Be very kind to yourself. Don’t take on any more tasks or chores. Keep life simply just now. Eat and drink. If you can’t eat then keep drinking. The trauma and stress causes a huge sick knot so mindfulness, walking and anything that can help you destress. The adrenaline will still be coursing through your veins. Get some good counselling in place too. I promise you will get through this. Take all the help offered and in my experience blood is thicker than water so be extremely careful round any of his family. Do not trust them x KIP Knowledge Is Power 💕

    • #124382
      Lookforward5678
      Participant

      Hello kip

      I’ve cut all contact and he’s currently on bail (detail removed by moderator) . Child contact has been stopped it was supposed to be supervised by me or a third party but the abuse continued in front of him and carried on getting worse until his recent arrest and there’s no trusted third party so he has to take me to court for any further access and that be looked at by a social worker. The solicitors will be applying for the urgent non molestation order (detail removed by moderator) incase he tries to gain entry or continues his behaviour again (detail removed by moderator). I’ve spoken with the gp today as I’m currently on medication due to anxiety and depression but they said appointments were full and gave me the domestic violence helpline number which I’ve already got . I’ve blocked all his family on all levels possible so they can’t harass or contact me going forward it would just be a case of turning up which scares me . I’m hopeful things will get better just doesn’t feel like it right now and I feel really guilty for my two young children not understanding why there mummy is really sad sometimes .

    • #124385
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey please be kind to yourself. There’s a good book called Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas and it talks you through the stages of healing. We still have to grieve for the relationship as I’m sure at one point you loved him and shared happy times. That’s how they hook us in. It sounds like you’re doing everything right. And everything you can to protect your children. Just concentrate on yourself and take all the help offered with the little ones. Build a good support network around you. Grieving is healthy and it will take time. The anxiety comes from the abuse and it too will get less and less. Remember the confident women you were before you met him. She’s still in there. Have you spoken to the police about a police marker on your home and phone number. It might make you feel a bit safer if you have that added security. Victim support are a great organisation and helped me with extra security free. I remember hearing about how on the airplanes when they oxygen masks come down you are told to get your own oxygen mask on before you help others. That’s what you need to remember. Get your own oxygen masks on and be honest with the kids. There’s no shame in being sad. Have duvet days, watch mindless cartoons with them. Just little things to let them know you’re still there for them. It’s a horrendous thing to go through but you sound really strong x

    • #124386
      KIP.
      Participant

      Lundy Bancroft has a good book I think called ‘When Daddy hurts Mummy’. It might be worth a look x the NSPCC have a good helpline too if you need advice and Barnardos I think. When you get your energy back. Meantime my favourite saying from back when I was traumatised with abuse was ‘this too shall pass’💕

    • #124400
      Lookforward5678
      Participant

      The police were in touch today asked why I didn’t press chargers before when feeling scared of potential outcomes from doing it. Just feel like they don’t believe me and think it’s all in my head . We’ve had a duvet day today as my heads just been a wreck tried the doctors but they were very unhelpful . I’ll check out the books though a friend got me one as a birthday present and that was my first insight to how much control my ex had over me for a long while and other abusive acts he had done to me

    • #124401
      Lookforward5678
      Participant

      The police were in touch today asked why I didn’t press chargers before when feeling scared of potential outcomes from doing it. Just feel like they don’t believe me and think it’s all in my head . We’ve had a duvet day today as my heads just been a wreck tried the doctors but they were very unhelpful . I’ll check out the books though a friend got me one as a birthday present and that was my first insight to how much control my ex had over me for a long while and other abusive acts he had done to me

    • #124403
      [email protected]
      Participant

      the police (old school ones) dont always get it. its rubbish but ive seen this a few times. th dv police team are better if you can manage to speak to one? when were feeling at our lowest its hard to keep pushing to get the help we need. its so important to push ahead regardless then take wee breaks in between. determination will get you where you need to be. im sad to read you felt you werent believed because i/we do. the police should know that in dv women are scared to report due to fear of repercussions. often they see it as a mutual fight or argument between a couple. dv is a power struggle with one person seeking that power. keep going and keep learning you will get there and some people will listen thats what i found through trial and error xx

    • #124405
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi, Welcome to the forum.

      KIP has been helping ladies on the forum, probably for more years than she cares to remember so there is nothing useful that I can add at this stage except to ask if you have tried your local DV charity?

      You can find your local support on the Womens Aid website. Sorry I can’t seem to copy the link. They might be more use than your GP (who should be ashamed of themselves!)

      Please stay with us on the forum. The ladies here will understand you like no-body else will and they’ll walk with you through your journey.

    • #124407
      Lookforward5678
      Participant

      I was spoken to by the officer in charge of my case (detail removed by moderator) then just felt beaten down by the end of the phone call that because I never pressed charges (detail removed by moderator) which I were told too by domestic abuse services to have a record built up of abuse in case things got worse which sadly they did the officer I spoke with said obviously it didn’t look good that I hadn’t pressed chargers prior even though I was too scared to do this in fear of repercussions with his family or him playing the victim or saying it was all in my head.

      I tried to get in touch with my gp but they just gave me the domestic violence number.

    • #124413
      [email protected]
      Participant

      This is going to sound abit mad but the only good thing i learned from my abuser was be persistent as this pays. They need to realise that your scared to speak up. Abusers engrain this into us they rely on you keeping the abuse a secret. thats how they get away with it. Its your right to ask for a different officer. we hate feeling like were pestering someone but its not you thats misunderstanding here its them! you could say youll complain to their governing body that usually works.

      Has your GP written all of this down in your records? xx

    • #124415
      Lookforward5678
      Participant

      I believe my gp has written it all down they were the ones that advised women’s aid a while back and sent me a link along with a sick note . Yeah he said to stop talking to his family member who was my (detail removed by moderator)   and we just eventually stopped speaking and I just lost myself and didn’t speak to many people anymore.

    • #124416
      [email protected]
      Participant

      sounds like it made you more isolated but no contact is the only way if theyre in touch with him. i think you cant still press charges now tho cant you? i was told o could for historical abuse

    • #124433
      Lookforward5678
      Participant

      I can still press chargers but they were asking why I hadn’t before so had to explain that I was obviously afraid too press chargers before but know it’s never going to stop until I do and measures can be put in place to keep him away from me and my children.

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