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Even if you don’t post you can still read what others say. I quite often scout around for posts I identify with and see what advice others give. I find comfort just knowing there’s others who have been where I am now and understand what I’m going through. It’s so hard when you feel isolated, afraid and fearful of talking to anyone incase they don’t believe you, don’t understand why you stayed or judge you or worst of all what he will do/say if he finds out.
On here I know that even if I slip up and reveal too much the moderator will remove it and keep me safe. Everyone understands here. I feel free and sane on this forum even though I’m still in the marital home. It’s like my very own sanctuary and has been an absolute godsend. I’ve been away from the forum for a while and didn’t realise how much I missed all the support. I feel so much better and stronger today. So thanks stillinit and everyone else who has posted recently 😁❤️ -
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Hi WE,
I’m in the process of executing my escape after dithering around for well over a decade, trying to find a way to get out without any support. It was impossible too many obstacles, too afraid of how he’d react etc. I started a 3 year plan to get myself prepared, fitter, save money etc, build my confidence up and be able to convince myself I could do this before he sent me into yet another meltdown.
I was doing brilliantly, I’m not normally one to blow my own trumpet, but every one kept telling me how different I looked and happy etc. Decided to bring my plans forward and just go for it. Started paying for private counselling to help me with confidence problems as I started panicking about whether I could cope. Wham!!!!
I knew I had a cr*p marriage but to be told it was abuse (not for first time), made me sit up and take notice. This time I googled abuse, took the test to see if I was in abuse relationship and fell apart. Since then I’ve been working with women’s aid. I have an emergency plan just incase but am working towards my long term plan. Started divorce process about to view house to rent and have been sorting out financial support until divorce settlement comes through.
It’s been hard and taken it’s toll on my health causing delays and stress but I’m nearly there. I’m terrified he’s going to find out before I’m ready, but realising that it’s so close now it doesn’t matter. I can just switch to emergency plan for short while.
Actually quite excited about future for first time in decades and actually believe I can do this!
For years I’ve believed this was it, that things would just get worse as my physical and mental health deteriorated more each year. I was trapped and nothing I could do about it.
I was writing stories about my life but with a happy ending of being rescued. Then I wrote one where I rescued myself because I felt so fat, old, broken and ugly, no one would ever want to rescue me. I was feeling rather low at the time! Anyway, here I am just over a year later 6 stone lighter, smoking 1/2 the cigarettes I used to despite the stress and about to fly the coop and begin the next chapter of my life. It’s not quite like I planned it, but hey beggars can’t be choosers 😁 -
Freedomfighter, you are such a brave person. I admire you immensely. I thought I was actually going to do it this time, for the last fortnight I’ve felt so much better thinking this is it, come what may, I’m going to do it, and then tonight, the Jekyll and hyde has turned from being his usual nasty and mean self, and I mean beyond mean, to actually trying to be nice for a few hours and now I’m confused again. What’s worse is, a very close relative had a stroke at the beginning of (detail removed by Moderator). and I want to move to be closer to where this person is, and this was it, I was going to do it alone, and then wham, my husband has gone and landed himself a job interview within miles of where I want to go, and because I am dependent on him for income, it would be easier just to go and do it together, but I know in my heart it’s not really the solution, because he’s so abusive to me, psychologically and financially, and on occasions, physically also. I am such a giver, and I’ve given so much to this man, and he is a complete taker. At the moment I am financially wrecked because of him and it scares me because I’ve never been in as bad a position as this before. I went for counselling, had one session, and the counsellor told me that he thought I would reinvent myself again, as I had to do once before in the past, but that was a different situation entirely then to this now. I just think you are so incredibly brave. How did you manage to sort out financial support? I have assets but no income if I did walk away and it’s the having no income bit that scares me the most.
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WE,
Yes, I know what you mean. They get us trapped and dependent on them. They take away our independence, confidence, and self esteem, convincing us we have no other choice. When you have a physical and/or mental health issues like we do it seems like we have no option but to stay with them and survive the best we can.
That’s how I’ve felt for over a decade. How ever that’s what our abusers have brain washed us to think. You say I’m brave, but I’m no different from you really. A year ago I would have been saying the same, but it’s only because I took a huge leap of faith and reached out for support. Women’s aid the helpline ladies, my local branch workers, the information on this site and the wonderful ladies on this forum have given me the courage and strength to reach out further to the brilliant lawyer I met through women’s aid, the extremely friendly and supportive Citizens advice bureau workers, and job seekers plus who have been so kind patient and helpful. I’m a very shy person, always was but now and with the impossible task of having to divulge long kept dark secrets I thought I’d never be able to explain to a stranger the difficulty I was in and ask for the advice and support I needed. But it turns out I can!
I find that phoning up a department or place first and explaining the problem to an anonymous person over the phone is best for me. I get so nervous, keep putting it off for ages, etc but then I get my dad,a photo and put it in front of me and eventually phone up and start explaining. I always end up sobbing and making a complete fool of myself, but it’s so hard for me to open up about what’s been going on. I get myself into such a state, you see. Logically I know it’s just him in my head telling me I can’t, but I’ve been listening to him and believing his lies for so long it’s hard to shake it off. Anyway I promised my father when he was dying of cancer that if ever I felt I couldn’t cope with living with my husband anymore that I would leave. He had believed that I had a good marriage and was happy- the illusion I’d created for my family and friends. My mother had known differently for a couple of decades that was a lie, but I made her promise not to interfere or tell anyone else. She broke that promise when he was told there was no cure. She only said I wasn’t as happy as I appeared. He asked me himself and I told him as much as mum knew, just that he was controlling and lied etc . The bare minimum but said I’d got it under control and could handle him and that I hadn’t told him the truth because I loved my husband and didn’t want to leave. Not entirely true, more like I couldn’t at that point, but I didn’t want to upset him.
I tried to leave a little while after dad lost his battle against cancer, but I couldn’t take my two sons with me so told them they would have to stay for now but as soon as I was settled I would give them the choice to stay with me if they wanted to. My eldest cried and begged me to stay and talk to my husband. I couldn’t refuse it broke my heart to see him so upset. They were only teenagers then, I had no clue it was abuse back then or that their father would use them to control me.
The ladies on here and women’s aid believed me, something my husband had convinced me no one would ever do. He’s been telling me I’m paranoid and delusional for over two decades and denies any wrongdoing, saying it’s all in my head and because I push him away. He tells me I’m mentally unstable, over sensitive and hysterical. I was convinced that no one would believe me, but also that they would believe him and he’d have me committed to a mental hospital and I’d have to try and prove I wasn’t insane. I have a long history of anxiety, stress and depression where as he has been building up a public image of an all around good guy! To have people believing my strong and telling me I could do this and finally escape was such a boost. I started taking tiny steps to keep reaching out, keep researching, keeping asking for advice on how to get past each of the hurdles stopping me. One by one I’ve found a solution to them and now I’ve found out about universal credit through job centre plus I know I can afford to rent a small place close enough that I can easily get back home to help my sons if they need me, but far enough away that I can feel safe from him finding me, I know I can do this. I promised myself for so long, then I promised my dad and I should have done it years ago, but finally I’m going to do this. It’s all planned, I have my date, some where to go and a means of financial support to help me and I just need to be patient a short while longer and keep my head together. That’s why I knew I had to come back here and start phoning the helplines to talk and get the support I need emotionally. So many other brace ladies on here have done it, who better to turn to for support? If I can do this, so can you when you are ready. Sorry I’ve been long winded- dyslexic you see I witter on a bit 😁 Hope this helps. Keep posting and reading and try talking to the ladies on the helplines- they really are so supportive and understanding and helpful. So are the ladies at my local women’s aid group. In fact everyone from my bank to my lawyer to job centre plus, every one I’ve spoken to has been so incredibly kind and supportive. I’m so lucky and glad I plucked up the courage to come on here and start posting and reading everyone’s advice and support and the way everyone not only believes me, but believe IN me too. I’m doing this for my dad and mum and to be able to offer my sons an alternative and for all my friends and family who constantly worry about me, but for the first time in decades I can honestly say I deserve better, what’s more I actually believe that!!! None of us deserve to be treated like this not you, any woman or child. I’m a woman too and as old as I am I’m still my parents child too , there for I too deserve better than this. I’m God’s child too and deserve to be treated with love and respect, just as you do, just as everyone else does. God says we should love others as we love ourselves. Well I love and respect others, but I haven’t loved or respected myself for decades. It’s time I right that wrong! I will be free ❤️ -
Hi Freedomfighter, you are such an incredibly brave person, without a doubt. To do what you are going after decades of abuse takes real guts. I’m still on the long road of I’m going to do it but then, when he’s been particularly bad and his friends speak to him and give him a jolt about what he might lose, he becomes nice for a few hours, and then returns back to his normal nasty self. I have no doubt my husband is a n********t, I’ve told him so to his face, and he doesn’t answer, so I get the impression that I am not the first person to tell him this. I didn’t even know what love bombing/gaslighting was until last summer when someone whose sister is one, told me in no uncertain terms. The police had never mentioned it to me on the occasions that they have arrested my husband, had they warned me, I wouldn’t have taken him back after all his pestering and manipulation after he was released on police bail with conditions. That, with hindsight, was the best chance I had to bring it all to an end, but no one warned me that he would probably attempt to wear me down and I was foolish to be taken back in with all the promises that have never materialised. The last time I walked, it was late at night, he reported me missing, the police eventually picked me up, I asked to go to a refuge, but they couldn’t get any answer from the refuge service and neither could I, and so they took me back home and dropped me off outside! I ended up walking the streets at 3am for a few hours and eventually returning home after he had gone to work.
For the last 3 weeks I had been promising myself that this is finally it, I’ve finally had enough, even though I had been doing everything to push him for a promotion as he wants to move up the career ladder, rather late, but he needs to be doing it. I found a position for him, contacted the people, and he has an interview soon with them. It will be a good position for him, and it will take me back to be near where I want to live, but now I’ve trapped myself again, because if he gets the job, it might be worth one last try, although I know he is incapable of change, and I am just his slave. The biggest mistake I made, and this would be my essential piece of advice for any woman is, that I allowed myself to become financially dependent upon him. After working for (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life having my own salary, I allowed myself to leave work to take care of an elderly relative, and then to help this n********t. I keep thinking to myself, I wish there was somewhere where women could go for a break from it all and see how they really feel, away from the manipulation of their partners. I don’t mean a refuge necessarily, but almost like a foster home scenario for adult survivors of abuse. Just a few nights away in a safe and comforting environment could be such a life line for many. Today I feel weak, but on Monday I will feel stronger when he is back at work, and we are apart for 8 hours or so, but I’m not far enough down the road as yet to walk out again and finally finish this exhausting battle. I always learn the hard way, for fear of failure on my part I suspect, and so everything has to collapse around me before I finally see the error of my ways!
Do keep me in the loop as to how you are getting on freedomfighter, you are a very special person with a huge amount of courage. Your children in years to come will see your courage and determination and will thank you for it, and it will give them the strength, support, courage and hope they will look for in the future.
Look after yourself and keep in touch. x*x -
Thanks for your encouraging words Wits End. I’m afraid I allowed my husband to take away my financial independence over a decade ago, so I know how trapped you feel and how hopeless and impossible it might seem. But it really isn’t. They don’t take the house into consideration so as long as you don’t have a lot of savings or good income from work or anywhere else you will more than likely be eligible for legal aid for your lawyer and universal credit to help rent a small home or flat as well as support you with living costs. You can also ask the council to find you emergency accommodation- they are obliged to offer you something, but that could be a room in a house share or flat in a high- rise or a little terrace house which might suit better. You don’t have to accept what they offer, but then you have to wait until something more suitable comes available. At least that’s what I understand from what I’ve been told locally. Your local Women’s aid group will be able to advise you better or citizens advice bureau or your local council office, but ask to speak to someone who deals with abuse cases. The same goes for your local job centre plus. They have all been fantastically supportive, understanding and helpful. They will even help you fill the forms in. I haven’t involved the police yet, but WA have advised me to let them know I’m moving and am afraid of how he will react. I don’t have to make a complaint or anything, just inform them of the situation so that if he told them I’d gone missing and he was afraid I might self harm they wouldn’t waste valuable resources looking for me. I don’t really want to, but I think I will have to. At least as far as that goes. I don’t want to mention abuse though as both my sons are still financially largely dependent on his support
I’d urge you to research all these avenues as soon as you can. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can. Know your options. You don’t have to do anything until you’re ready, no one has made me feel pressured or like I have to do anything, well my first GP did a little, but I went to see a different one in the practice and he’s been most helpful and supportive.
I’m not trying to pressure you, but I was very nervous and reluctant to reveal my secrets to strangers and I have to psych myself up to take each step. Then there’s been delays due to my husband being around on days off, the stress playing havoc with my mental and physical health. It’s taken me 14 months to get to this point where I’m ready to leave. You also probably need time like me to build up your confidence and self respect. I found that each time I achieved another goal I felt a little stronger. Yes you need an emergency escape plan, but I have one of those, but chose to follow my own plan over a longer period so I had time to prepare myself mentally to be able to cope. I didn’t feel in any physical danger and am keeping my plans quiet. This I believe is the best way for me personally. Women’s aid can help you put a safe plan together and give help, advice and support. I think it would help you to be clear about your options. Fear of the unknown was a huge problem for me.
You deserve to be happy. I wish you luck with your journey. Keep posting 🤗 -
Freedeomfighter, you are such a tonic. I wish I had your tenacity. It’s 2 steps forward and then 1 back again with me, so I just go round in circles. And how you have managed when you have children as well is a testament to how wonderful you clearly are. Keep shining freedomfighter, your pathway to freedom will be lit up for you. Don’t look back, I know you won’t, take the opportunity by the hand and walk down that path to enlightenment. You will be an absolute inspiration for many.
For me, for some bizarre reason, I am still trying to help this guy. I should never have married him, but I was brought up to put others first before myself and so I just can’t help myself, it’s in my nature, and if he tried to strangle me again, I’d probably still carry on trying to help him. I’m now on a scary path of beginning to run the risk of losing everything I’ve ever worked so hard for but he told someone 5 years ago that his intention was to take over financial control of me, and slowly, he’s doing it, and stupidly, I’m giving in to him, because I’m so far down in myself, that I haven’t the energy to show him the door, and I don’t like confrontation anyway, it’s not for me, I shy away from it.
It’s the silly things I miss. I have to be so careful with money now. I haven’t had my hair cut in 7 years, I do it myself, and it looks awful, and I’d love to have a facial, but that would be far too extravagant with the way things are for me now, and I buy second hand clothes, whilst he buys new suits. All my writings are negative, yet I just can’t fully close the door on this man. I’ve told him tonight if he gets this new job then I will give it one last chance and move with him, and if he doesn’t get it, I’m going anyway. It’s good to have written it here in black and white, where I can see it, because I can remind myself what I’ve actually said to myself and to him.
If you haven’t read it, there’s a great little book called End The Struggle And Dance With Life by Susan Jeffers. I have an army of books, they keep me sane right now, but I love this one, and you can get a second hand copy on ebay or try your local library and see if they will order it for you if they don’t have it. There’s a saying in there, one among many, which says “Okay Universe, Take over please. Take me where you wish. I’ll enjoy the ride”. I’m dedicating that saying to you freedomfighter. You will be liberated. Stay in touch. x*x -
Wow! Reading your last post makes me feel like we’re identical twins or something. There’s differences of course like my sons and I handed over 3/4 of the control of our finances from the start but my husband has the same personality disorder (at least he has all but 2 of the 15 traits) I also avoid confrontation when ever possible, can’t help caring for and helping others despite how they treat me etc. But then that’s exactly what these predators look for in partners and associates. Mine doesn’t consider anyone he knows as a friend
I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling as you described. I felt like I had no choice either, I couldn’t provide for our sons like he could and I couldn’t bring myself to make them suffer just so I could be happy, there was no guarantee I would be. They are the reason I’ve stayed so long, but I’ve also worried about how he will cope without me to do everything for him.
I’ve been promising myself I’d leave for over a decade, but he always sensed the changes or something and would start being nice and thoughtful and I’d start thinking maybe he was right and it was just me and I was imagining things were worse than they really were. Classic abuse cycles! When I recently started googling everything I felt such an idiot, why hadn’t I seen it? Why hadn’t I listened to people when they told me he was an abuser?
I felt so ashamed of myself and felt that no one would ever believe me or understand why I stayed. But I thought his nasty and cruel behaviour was due to stress and booze, he kept telling me a good Christian wife would forgive and forget. I felt like a terrible person because I kept trying to, but every time he hurt me I kept remembering the previous times.
I think what has given me the strength and courage this time is constantly reminding myself of my promise to my dad that if it ever got too much I would leave. I hate breaking promises, but I just couldn’t see how I could do it when he’d already told me he will never allow me to divorce him which meant waiting 5years before I could even apply for a divorce. I had no means of supporting myself for that long and didn’t think I’d be eligible for legal aid and housing benefit etc.
Knowledge is the key! That’s why I urged you to arm yourself with as much knowledge and support as possible before you make any long term commitments. I can only work part time due to health problems, I’m doing everything I can to get myself as fit and healthy as I can, but I can’t quit smoking until I get myself away from him. You know how stressful living with a n********t is. When I read that it’s extremely rare that one even wants to change as they don’t see anything wrong in their behaviour and even then and after years of therapy they are not like normal people… I had to decide whether I could survive like this until one of us dies or do I take a mammoth leap of faith and leave? Again my sons were holding me back, but then someone reminded me what the flight attendants tell you in case of an emergency. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. She asked me to think about how I can help my sons as I am still trapped and how I might be able to help if I was free and safe from him. Obviously I realised escaping myself is the best way of helping them too. So that’s what I’m doing.
I gather you don’t have children, but I’m sure you have friends and family who worry about you like I do. If it helps for now can you not escape for their peace of mind as well as your own? I’m saying this simply because I feel we are of very similar nature as are many women on the forum. Most of us are either finding the courage to leave either for our children or because we are terrified after our abusers have tried to kill us, or hurt us badly.
I’m not trying to push you into making a decision, we each have to make that choice for ourselves, in our own time and way. I just got the impression you really want to leave, just don’t know how and haven’t yet given up hope. In my experience and everyone else says the same, they get worse, not better. They make it appear like things are getting better, but that’s just because they choose to be nice for a time to make you stay and confused. They put doubts in our minds and pull at our heart until we give into them to stop the pain and suffering. But this is not living, we are merely surviving. N*********s are incapable of unconditional love. They feel they have a right to take- they deserve it. But they don’t see that we have the same rights or any rights for that matter. We belong to them like possessions and they have the right to treat us how ever they choose. You can not make them see how much they are hurting you or that the reason you are nothing more than an empty shell because they have drained the life force and will to live from you. I’ve tried explaining this to my husband. Begged him to work with me to salvage our marriage. He just tells me there’s nothing wrong with him, it’s all in my head!
I might seem terribly brave to you and you can’t see yourself being in my position. But it’s only a short time ago when I felt like that myself. It’s only through knowledge and support that we’re able to break through the barriers they create to keep us trapped. My mum, like me had resigned herself to thinking I would never leave and she couldn’t help me. She’s even more worried than ever about me at the moment, but that’s just another reason why I have to succeed. I have caused her too much stress and worry already. Logically there’s no reason I can’t do this, so with my heart in my mouth I’m going to try my best. At least then I won’t be plagued by if only’ and I wish I could!
Keep researching and finding answers, never stop looking for your next opportunity Wits End. Even if you just arm yourself with knowledge to protect yourself. Knowledge and support are the key to success. One step at a time and you will keep moving forward. I gave him one last chance in October, but he’s promised myself and God that if he helped me see the truth from his lies, if he didn’t keep his promises this time I would leave. I have to keep my promise to God, he helped me see that my husband really doesn’t love or care about me. If he did then he wouldn’t just be saying I love you but breaking all his promises, wouldn’t still be lying to me and would be doing everything in his power to make sure I was happy, to talk about our problems, admit his lies and deceptions etc. God kept his side, so I have to have faith that he will guide me and keep me safe. I’m sure he will do the same for you. God bless -
You’ve hit the nail on the head. I think we are very similar in a lot of ways. If you lived nearby, I would love to meet, but as we don’t know where each other is, that’s difficult. Such a shame.
I’m in a terrible state tonight, he has taken nearly all my money away from me with lies and deceit, and now the shower has given up the ghost today, and the boiler is nearly on it’s last legs, and I just don’t know how I’m going to afford to replace them. I need to sell the house, I should have sold it (detail removed by Moderator) when he was away from the home for a short while, before persuading me to take him back, I was offered a good price, but I reneged, because he said it wasn’t the right time. Yet I knew all these worn out things within would be coming home to roost and cost a fortune to fix and replace which I just can’t afford any more. I’m maxed out on everything, and he saves his money and no doubt sends it home to (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t even know how much he earns and I’ve never seen his bank statements, but he’s seen all my financial documentation time and time again, because I’ve had to produce it for authorities, to help him out.
I have no friends because of him, none of them like him, and so I keep myself to myself most of the time, and yet before I met him, I used to socialize, but not these past (detail removed by Moderator) years.
I’m in so much a mess financially that it’s been stressing me out for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years and I’m so trying not to let it get to me, because I don’t want him to have the pleasure of killing me from stress through a stroke or heart attack, and then getting my assets. I’m sure that’s what he’s after. As it is I’m having to lose a property because he promised he’d help me with the running costs and then reneged on his promise, as he does with everything. He treats my home as if it is student accommodation and I used to be so house proud but I’ve given up, he just damages everything.
I’m not working at all and I don’t think I could hold down a job right now, my levels of concentration are so poor, I don’t want to go out, and if I tried working, I think I’d just run out as I’m not in the right frame of mind to cope. I can’t go back to my GP because he told me over a year ago my husband was an abuser, and spent an hour with me, and I’m so grateful, but I just feel such an idiot if I go back and say I’m sinking even further in to the quagmire and am still in this relationship.
I know he won’t change, and that’s why I don’t understand myself. I don’t think he has ever loved me because as soon as we were married, he turned his back on me in bed and has done so every night since except for when he thinks it’s his divine right to have sex. I don’t even get a kiss, I have to beg for one and I’ve given up. If it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t want him to get my assets, if I’ll have any left by the time he’s finished with me, I think I would just call an end to it all.
And you are so right, it gets to breaking point, and then he’s suddenly nice for a few hours, and hooks me back in again, and it’s a constant merry go round and it’s so stressful. Like you, I’ve also had all the things such as, what sort of a wife are you, and I’m not a Christian in his eyes, when in my eyes, I’m more of a Christian than he will ever be.
I so wish I could help you, because I can tell you are a kindred spirit and a kind soul, and we should all be there for you. If I could, I would, I really would. I feel such a failure, I can’t help you, I can’t help myself at the moment, which is absolutely stupid, because in the past I’ve helped countless others, and despite everything, I’ve never been in a mess as bad as this, and without any support. I suppose all I can say is to those looking in is, (detail removed by Moderator) I am the more careful and cynical than most probably, but this one well and truly suckered me in hook line and sinker. (detail removed by Moderator)
One day freedomfighter I hope we shall meet. You deserve the very best, and I sincerely hope you will find what you so much deserve very soon, and a better life will follow, without a doubt. God bless you too. Please stay in touch 🙂
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