Frequency of abuse, is it enough to leave?

[dirtylaundry]

hello, I posted earlier today but can’t find my post. Here I go again…
married for decades to high school sweetheart. my husband is kind, engaged, loving a majority of the time. about twice a year he has an outburst. yelling, judgements, criticizing, anger are over the top. his frustration with my parenting ALWAYS comes up. accused of coddling our sons and turning them into (derogatory phrase insert). i’m given a list of all the ways i’m not measuring up. it follows the cycle of abuse for sure-tension, outburst, silent treatment and reconciliation. most of the time we make up because I apologize for my failings and beg forgiveness. of course, myself and my children are always on edge because we don’t know when the hammer is gonna drop. there’s little warning. it’s disgusting.

on (detail removed by Moderator) my husband attacked again. (detail removed by Moderator) In the past he’s questioned my fidelity with zero cause. So annoying and insulting!
I left for (detail removed by Moderator). Said the next time I’d talk to him was with a therapist. Got manipulated into coming back home to “work on our marriage.” He reiterated he is unwilling to go to therapy. He offered a blanket apology “sorry for everything.” I told him I am not going to allow him to treat me this way anymore. I told him it was mean and inexcusable. He said he’d love to tell me it won’t happen again but that’d be a lie. He said it will. I told him we were not okay. I

It’s been over(detail removed by Moderator) now. We only speak out of necessity.
This guy has been my rock, best friend and partner for soooo long. We have had so much love, connection and enjoyment of life. We are parents to 2 chronically ill children. This has added a high level of stress to our lives. The continuous grieving process and frustration is high. I’d like to say this caused his behaviors but it’s been going on for years, to be honest.

i’m very aware of trauma bonding in our relationship. he’s the only one who can take away all my worries and make everything okay : (

I have a therapist and solid support network. financially I’ll be okay. My hurt just hurts and I’m so confused.

I’m in the process of writing an ultimatum. Therapy or bye…

I’m struggling to accept this is abuse due to the frequency (twice a year) and validating it’s bad enough to walk.

Thanks in advance for your input and thoughts.

xoxo

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. Be very wary going to therapy with someone who is abusive, it’s not recommended as they can manipulate the therapist to their means and it can make matters much worse, if you do go to one make sure they are trained in handling domestic abuse. Regards the outbursts, there’s no set rule around frequency and being ok/not, they are not ok however often they happen and it sounds like you probably walk on eggshells as you’re unsure when the next one will come. That’s not to say ‘normal’ relationships don’t have arguments and angry words and depression/stress could factor in but with abuse the way they treat us afterwards is also a big difference. There’s a lot of red flags in what you say, perhaps seek therapy/counselling for yourself as it sounds like you have a lot to handle with your children’s conditions? Ultimately you need to be happy and feel safe in your relationship, your home should be your sanctuary not somewhere you fear and your partner someone to rely on, not fear. If you haven’t already read some of the books then Lundy Bancroft’s’why does he do that’ and Pat Craven’s‘living with the dominator’ are great tools to start with.

[dirtylaundry]

thank you for your reply. I have been seeing a therapist by myself for a couple years. I realized after reading your post and the other that marriage therapy is not needed. HE needs therapy by himself. this is a “him” issue. you’re correct. myself and our children walk on eggshells and have forever. thanks for the recommended reading. appreciate it!

the most horrific incident was recent (removed by moderator as it had too much detail and could’ve been triggering.) it went ugly far.
i’m sure if it had been read I would be told by everyone to leave now.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi dirtylaundry

I’m glad you managed to post, and I’m sorry you are in this position.

What you have written of him shows him to be cruel and yes, abusive.

The frequency isn’t relevant. Lets say he were to punch you in the face, or to slap your children, but only once each year. The physical and the pscyhological/emotional, are all extremely harmful, highly damaging, abuses, regardless of the frequency, the result is the same, fear and mistrust.

Fear and mistrust is not the basis of a loving relationship, of love. The basis of love is care/respect.

If he felt any compassion, he would walk away for fear of hurting you further, but he has shown by his continued support for his own attitude, that he doesn’t have compassion for you.

As bananaboat has already said, couples therapy is used as a further tool for abuse and manipulation, so if you do receive therapy have it for you alone, for you to manage and cope and build your strength, so you can prioritise yourself, and your needs, look for and expect better for you all.

If he wants therapy for his behaviour, he will need to do that for himself (its like an alcoholic who has to first acknowledge there’s a problem).

Welcome here and I hope this is the start of change for the better for you all. I have huge sympathy for you managing all this along with the daily challenges your children bring and how heart-breaking that must be. Keep talking here and grow your supports, rely on those aroud you irl too. You need all the support you can.

warmest wishes

ts

[dirtylaundry]

copying part of my reply to you because I’m mentally fried. your wise words and compassion and support has me crying.

thank you for your reply. I have been seeing a therapist by myself for a couple years. I realized after reading your post and the other that marriage therapy is not needed. HE needs therapy by himself. this is a “him” issue. you’re correct. myself and our children walk on eggshells and have forever. thanks for the recommended reading. appreciate it!

the most horrific incident was recent (removed by moderator as it had too much detail and could’ve been triggering.) it went ugly far.
i’m sure if it had been read I would be told by everyone to leave now.

[Twisted Sister]

sometimes it helps to let it out, to have a release, but its all exhausting until you can be free of it, and start to move on for a better life for you all, leaving him in your past, leaving the abuse in the past.

You will never know whether it is finally over, because you can never be sure whether there’ll be a next time, again.

You will not stop him, only he can do that, IF he accepts responsibility for the damage he is causing and IF he decides he wants to do something about that. Trying to use various means of getting him to have therapy won’t work. This is something he has to do because of the harm he’s causing, and he’s not.

Do keep posting and talking this through, feeling support, kindness, without judgement, is something we all need so much at this time.

warmest wishes

ts

[Eyesopening]

Hey, sounds like my parents relationship… there are outburts about twice a year. But that doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. It basically means he can control her with those two outbursts well enough. Why bother doing more when you have the control you want? Your partner is probably is abusive in other ways during the rest of the time. Also, your so afraid of those outbursts your basically doing whatever he wants to keep him happy all year round.. So he has what he wants.
About the pain, I hear you and understand.. I left my abuser a while ago. The pain is real, it hurts, I am mostly ok but I have bad days when I do wonder if it was worth leaving. I know 100% it was worth leaving, 100% it is better to put myself, my mental and physical health first. Its a long process, but they have brainwashed us, we deserve better and we deserve to be free of their voice in our heads. Better to be away and healthy then be in an abusive relationship x*x

[dirtylaundry]

thank you for sharing your family’s history and your story with me. the undercurrent of fear is always there. it is no way to live but the only way I have. I am so scared to leave but terrified to continue living this way.

the most horrific incident was recent (removed by moderator as it had too much detail and could’ve been triggering.) it went ugly far.
i’m sure if it had been read I would be told by everyone to leave now.

[Eyesopening]

Hey hun, that’s what we do, we share.
It’s so easy to look at someones life from the outside and know 100% for sure that the situation is unhealthy and that person should leave. But when we are inside it, it’s so difficult to see (due to the abuse). Only you can make that decision and only you can do it. It is the hardest thing I ever did and others on here will tell you the same. Being in that situation yourself is like being inside a tornado. Thoughts are coming and going. I continuouly switched between wanting to stay, to wanting to leave. Even after I left, I was glad I left then I wish I had stayed. It’s proof of the abuse, the cognitive dissonance. This is what makes it hard, that and the trauma bond. But the trauma bond you can start working on as soon as you understand it, by gathering up your support network and using them instead of your partner as your support. I can’t believe how isolated I was at the time, without even realising I was isolated! But I really gained strength by reaching out to people other then my partner. That gave me the strength to leave I think.
Keep posting and learning,
x*x

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